


Either your head or your heart, you set the other on fire.

by SovereignChicken



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Multi, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-07 04:03:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 68,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5442650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SovereignChicken/pseuds/SovereignChicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“People don’t just change, Lexa.” She stated bluntly looking anywhere but at her.</p>
<p>“No, you’re right. They don’t. It’s still hard for me to deal. It’ll always be hard but I’m doing it. And I want nothing more than to show you.” Clarke felt Lexa’s fingers brush her own as she gently clasped it. “Clarke, please look at me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. There's nothing quite as black and white as you.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. This is tough to write for many reasons. Hits close to home and I wanted to make sure that I was true to these characters and the subject matter. Hope you like it. Let me know what you think below and feel free to come visit my fledgling tumblr @sovereignchicken. Thanks for reading.

Clarke was tired. So tired. She’d spent the whole day chasing a lead on an arson case before she  apprehended the suspect, a 17 year old boy.

_“Got him.” She yelled out to Blake who had her hands full trying to hold back the mother of the boy. She cuffed him as he lay his head calmly on the ground, a far cry from his prior panic as he tried to evade arrest.  She mirandized him and helped him stand up as he nodded solemnly, eyes on his mother the whole time._

_“Thank you ma’am. We’re just gonna take him down to the station and have him answer a few questions. Whatever the outcome, you’ll have an opportunity to see him.” Blake said to the woman._

_The woman ignored her turning to her son, “Be smart kid.” she directed towards him before turning to Clarke who was slowly starting to lead him away. “He gets a lawyer correct?”_

_“Yes ma’am. You can come down to the station..”_

_“I will once I get someone to take care of the rest of my kids.” Blake nodded and walked, joining Clarke as they led the boy to the car._

_“Wait! Wait!” a young girl screeched running up to them, her mother hot on her heels._

_“Listen, you have to go back to your mom, we’ll take care of your brother.” Blake placated._

_“_ _No you don’t understand!” the girl yelled fighting against her mother who had caught up to her. “I burned the house. I did it. He’s lying.”_

_Clarke stopped, heart pounding._

_She hoped the girl was just trying to protect her older brother. Not that she liked to arrest any kid, but the younger they were the harder it was. This girl couldn’t have been older than 11._

_Please please._

_“Charlotte shut up!”_

_“No! They’re gonna arrest you forever. I did it. I did it. Ellie lives there and she’s always so mean. And I hate her. I hate her. So I did it. I did it.”_

_Clarke looked at the boy and saw on his face the answer she dreaded. She glanced at Blake, whose face was set in a grim line. Blake stepped forward hesitantly._

_“Ma’am, I’m going to have to take her in for questioning.”_

 

She stood in front of the elevator and let herself hate her job for a minute.

When she received her promotion, she knew there was nothing more she wanted to do than to be a juvenile detective. She wanted to help kids who were helpless. Unfortunately part of the job meant that sometimes the kids were the criminals.

She hated that part. She hated the fact that the girl, Charlotte’s confession at the station had fallen in line with the items discovered at the scene of the crime. She hated the fact that the girl was now in a detention center waiting for trial. She hated the fact that the fucking elevator was taking forever.

“Shit.” She cursed, finally noticing the out of order sign on the elevator.

She sighed heavily and made her way sluggishly to the stairs. Each step felt like a mountain as her exhaustion set in and her hatred for gravity was magnified every time she lifted her feet. Four flights of mountains later and she finally was at her floor. She stepped out of the stairway, relief oozing out of every pore as she thought of how great her bed would feel. One step in front of the other and head down, she walked to the end of the hallway where comfort awaited her.

“Hey.”

She looked up.

Her heart stopped and all the blood was drained from her face. She felt cold. So cold. And confused. And angry. And Lexa was sitting in front of her door like she belonged there. Like she had never left. And she was beautiful.

“You need to leave.”

“Clarke.” Lexa said calmly holding her hands out.

“Get off the ground, away from my door, and out of this complex.”

“Clarke. Please just listen.”

“What do you want Lexa?” Clarke said trying to regulate her breathing despite feeling like she’d had the wind knocked out of her.

“I want to make amends.”

“The time to make amends has passed. You can leave now.”

“Clarke hear me out..”

“I will call the police.”

“Clarke, you are the police, please just listen.”

Clarke shook her head roughly, eyes on the dull grey carpeted floor, finding it harder and harder to breathe. She hadn’t seen Lexa in..

“Clarke, listen it’s been almost a year. Things have changed. I’ve changed.” Lexa pleaded getting up and advancing on Clarke. Clarke stiffened hitching a breath at her proximity.

“People don’t just change, Lexa.” She stated bluntly looking anywhere but at her.

“No, you’re right. They don’t. It’s still hard for me to deal. It’ll always be hard but I’m doing it. And I want nothing more than to show you.” Clarke felt Lexa’s fingers brush her own as she gently clasped it. “Clarke, please look at me.”

Clarke shook her head, “I can’t Lex.” she let out, voice cracking. “You nearly ruined everything for me. And I’m not saying it wasn’t my fault too but..you’re just destructive, Lexa. And I can’t do it anymore. I can’t. I have too much to lose.”

Clarke panted lightly with the exertion of her words and squeezed Lexa’s hand tightly before she took two steps back, still avoiding Lexa’s gaze. She heard a wet sigh emanate from Lexa and her chest tightened.

She always hated it when Lexa cried.

She was always so strong.

So brave.

So when she broke, it was devastating to see. But Clarke needed to be strong. She needed to be resolute.

“Congratulations on the promotion. I hope it’s everything you ever wanted.” Lexa finally said, breaking the silence.

Clarke laughed harshly, “Everything I ever wanted. That’s a funny sentiment.” She finally looked up and saw her face.

Broken and hurt.

Clarke’s stomach fell and she tried desperately to maintain composure. “It’s great, really it is. Hard but great.”

Lexa nodded. “Don’t you want to know how I am?” she asked quietly as if she didn’t really want to ask.

“No, Lexa. I don’t”

It happened fast then. Her face flashed with hurt. The sight of which Clarke knew would follow her to her dreams. She doubled over like she’d been kicked, sucked in a breath then straightened back up and cleared her throat.

Her face was straight and betrayed no emotion but her eyes had always been a dead giveaway and Clarke’s heart broke because some things never change.

“Sorry for ambushing you. I just thought that…but I was wrong. I’m happy everything’s going well. Really I am. Have a good life.” Lexa nodded sharply at her own words before she walked past Clarke determinedly.

Clarke wanted nothing more than to say something.

Anything.

But she clamped her jaw shut in an effort not to. She heard Lexa’s footsteps dwindle as she walked on down the hallway. And then silence.

Clarke was sure Lexa hadn’t exited the hallway because she hadn’t heard the door open.

She waited.

It was eerily quiet as the seconds ticked by. “Be safe out there Clarke. For whatever it’s worth, I worry.” Clarke turned and was met with Lexa’s back at the end of the hallway, strained, waiting.

“It’s worth a lot more than I wish it was. ” Clarke sighed out and watched Lexa visibly shudder in response.

And then she was gone.

Pulled the door open and disappeared into the stairway.

It took all of Clarke’s effort to open her door and enter her apartment rather than give chase. She sank to the floor weakly, energy spent. She leaned her head against the door as she fumbled carelessly through her purse for her phone. Her movements felt clumsy and childlike as she navigated her way to the contact she needed on her phone before she hit call and let it clatter to the floor on speakerphone.

The rings felt endless, before finally a voice came through.

“Princess, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

“Lexa was at my apartment.”

There was a stunned silence for a moment. “Wait, what?”

“Bell, you have to go find her.”

“Clarke.”

“It didn’t go well, Bell. You have to make sure she’s okay.”

“Okay, okay. Alright Clarke. Just calm down for a second.”

Clarke stilled in realization that she’d been sobbing. She shook her head clear and spoke in a calm voice. “Bell, don’t worry about me. Worry about her. Please. I need to make sure she’ll be okay.”

“Got it, Princess. I’ll take care of her. I’ll send Raven over to you.”

“Please don’t. I just want to be alone right now. I’ve calmed down. I’ll be fine. Just get her Bell. Please.”

“Alright, Clarke. Alright. Just, take care of yourself okay”

“I always do.” And they both chuckled mirthlessly at the lack of truth in the statement.

“Okay. I’ll go find her, I’ll let you know if she’s okay.” He rushed out.

“Thanks, Bellamy.” There was a click as he hung up and the ensuing silence filled Clarke’s head with memories. She tried to shake her head clear for a minute before she finally allowed herself a moment of weakness and cried helplessly against her door.

 

_She should have known then but she didn’t._

_It took her months to catch up and even then, the gravity of the situation escaped her realization. It could have been put down to distraction, after all, everything happened so fast. It could have been put down to the fact that Clarke was drowning too, but unlike Lexa she knew how to swim. It could have been put down to any number of things._

_Everyone was at fault._

_No one was at fault._

_“Congratulations bitches!” Blake yelled tossing her shot back like a professional._

_Clarke and her fellow academy graduates followed suit and cheers erupted once the shots were finished. Clarke’s mind was hazy with the alcohol and she was giddy with pride. She couldn’t believe she’d done it, taken control of her life and done what she wanted. It had come at a cost of course. Quitting pre-med with only a year left and applying to the academy hadn’t made her mother quite jump for joy. Their relationship had been strained but the pride in her mother’s eyes at Clarke’s graduation was a sure sign that things were looking up._

_“Yo Griffin! Want another?” Clarke nodded eagerly, mouth falling open into a lazy grin. Blake laughed heartily at Clarke’s expression, “Maybe just a water for you then, Princess.”_

_“Piss off Octopiss, you better get me another shot!”_

_“I liked that one! Keep the names coming!” Blake yelled as she made her way through the crowd to get more drinks._

_Clarke’s eyes followed her to the bar as she sank comfortably into the booth listening to the excited voices around her. She watched as Blake flirted with the bartender, flipping her hair and laughing too hard at everything he said and shook her head at her antics._

_A girl suddenly stumbled gracelessly into Octavia before steadying herself and apologizing to her. She whirled around and raised her arms up eliciting cheers from a particularly rowdy group of people by the bar. They continued to cheer, adding whistles to the mix as the girl curtsied over and over basking in their mocking praise. Clarke smiled and watched the ridiculous brunette girl wave her friends off and say something to the bartender before she turned and leaned against the bar._

_Her eyes met Clarke’s and Clarke couldn’t help but cough in surprise. The girl was stunning. And then she was walking..towards Clarke. Clarke tried to scoot back but her back only met the unyielding wall of the booth and she was unable to do much more than watch the girl as she advanced. The brunette confidently slid into the booth beside Clarke, unnoticed by anyone but Clarke herself._

_“Did you enjoy the show?” the girl asked leaning towards Clarke, her voice low but resonating clearly despite the noise that surrounded them._

_Her eyes were green and Clarke had never much cared for the colour but now she was ready to write sonnets about the feeling the colour inspired in her._

_“You nearly knocked over my friend and fellow officer of the law; Not much of a show.”_

_The girl raised an eyebrow in shock, “I would have never figured you for a cop”_

_“Why the fuck not!?” Clarke challenged._

_“Well, the police are supposed to serve and protect right? I feel neither from you right now.” The brunette responded with a smirk._

_Clarke couldn’t help but blush at her words. She couldn’t help but blush at the fact that she was blushing. Fuck._

_“Well, what can I say? I’m not the most versed in the ways of copdom.”_

_“Copdom?”_

_“I just graduated from the police academy, we all did, and we’re celebrating.” She gestured at her friends who were all clearly inebriated as they tried desperately to talk over each other._

_“Is the word ‘copdom’ a part of academy curriculum?”_

_“Shut up.”_

_The brunette raised her hands in protest, “What!? Just trying to make sure that our servers and protectors are properly trained!”_

_“I’m gonna be great at my job.” Clarke declared, jabbing at the brunette’s shoulder._

_“I don’t doubt it for a second.”_

_Clarke froze at the softness in her tone and the warmth of her breath hitting her face. She closed her eyes and breathed in and for a moment all she could feel, all she could hear was the brunette around her._

_She opened her eyes._

_The girl grinned and wiggled a flask discreetly, “I’m Lexa.”_

_“Do you frequently bring flasks to bars, Lexa?”_

_Lexa shrugged, “It was in my jacket pocket.”_

_“Do you frequently carry around flasks in your jacket pocket?”_

_Lexa nodded, overly serious, “Absolutely I do, have you seen the world out there?”  she whispered, “A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to deal with all the..” she looked around exaggeratedly causing Clarke to laugh. L_ _exa leaned closer and whispered even lower, “People! They’re out there!”_

_Clarke pushed her back and laughed loudly, also drawing a laugh  from the girl._

_“Fine then.” She huffed faux hurt. “I’ll just put this back in my pocket then.”_

_Clarke grabbed at her jacket and pulled her closer still bubbling with laughter. “Wait! My name’s Clarke and I would definitely love to have a taste of that.”_

_“Would you?” Lexa dragged out lowly, leaning in, arms resting on the top of the booth seat and table trapping a very willing Clarke between them._

_Clarke leaned forward confidently, “I would.”_

_Lexa grinned wildly, retrieving the flask before she expertly took a swig and handed it to Clarke. Never breaking eye contact, Clarke dipped her head back and felt the warm liquid burn its way down her throat. She felt the warmth make its way through the rest of her body and her head swam pleasantly._

_“Hey.” Lexa said softly._

_“Hey, yourself.”_

_“Are you having a good night?”_

_“I am, everything is pretty perfect. How about you?”_

_“Everything was alright but now it’s kinda great.”_

_Clarke grinned wildly at her and Lexa grinned back._

_“Bitches! I introduce to you, fireball!” Octavia yelled putting down a tray full of shots, eliciting a groan from Clarke._

_“Dost thou judge my choice!?”_

_“Yes. Fireball is disgusting!”_

_“Tough, Princess, we just graduated and you are going to down this with a smile! You too lover girl, even though you nearly killed me at the bar.”_

_Lexa laughed and mirrored a reluctant Clarke, raising her designated shot in the air._

_As they took their shots, Clarke ignored the voice that told her that her morning would be a disaster and focused solely on the brunette beside her and her mischievous grin. They erupted into laughter after the shots and Lexa pulled out her flask, hidden by the commotion around them and wiggled it at Clarke._

_“Another?”_

_“You bet.”_

 

Clarke was woken up by a shrill insisting ringing.

“Fuck.” She cursed as she reached out to the source.

Her back was sore from falling asleep against the door and she stretched it out to no avail. Her fingers found the ringing phone and she answered it holding it between her shoulder and ear as she ran her hands through her hair.

“Griffin.”

“Princess, hey”

“Bellamy.” She realized, sitting up worriedly, “What happened? Is she okay!?”

“She’s fine kid. You can relax.”

“Where was she? Are you sure she’s okay?”

“Yes I’m sure Clarke. She’s fine okay?”

Clarke shook her head still not believing the reassurances “Where is she?”

“Clarke.”

“Where is she?” 

“Clarke, realize what you’re asking me.”

“I don’t care Bellamy, where is she?”

“Clarke!”

“Fuck. You’re right. Fuck.” Clarke realized, coming to her senses.

“I’m coming over.”

“Don’t Bell, please it’s..” she glanced blearily at her phone, “It’s almost one in the morning. I just panicked for a sec is all. I’m gonna go back to sleep.”

“Are you sure you’re okay Clarke?”

“Positive. Goodnight Bell. And thank you.”

As she dragged herself to her bedroom, she almost believed her own words. She slumped onto her bed suddenly very awake and willed herself not to think of those eyes. That grin. Because every time she thought of them, she remembered the number of times Lexa stumbled home late and drunk or every time Lexa beat Clarke home but was slumped over on the couch, completely inebriated by the time Clarke made it home.

Lexa was and would always be an alcoholic and Clarke should have known from the very first moment.

Instead Clarke laughed and laughed because Lexa was always funny and charming. And when Lexa drank, Clarke drank, until she nearly lost everything. And when Clarke worked at stopping, Lexa didn’t and Clarke had to let her go or sink with her. She chose the former. She’d never made a more selfish choice in her life. But sometimes being selfish is the only way to stay above water.

A ding broke into her thoughts.

**Unknown Number: I can’t stop thinking about you. I have no right. I’m sorry I disrupted your evening. Be safe out there and don’t worry, you’ll never see me again.**


	2. I never thought a sunrise could burn more than midnight without you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Told her she doesn’t need to worry, she won’t see me again. Dramatic, I know but I really think it’s best for her. She has a career and a life. And I’m still struggling. Far better than I was, for sure. But still nowhere near good enough for her. And that’s fine with me, as long as she’s okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Sorry for the long wait. You know, crazy holidays. I had a blast. Left town and partied it up with really good friends to ring in the new year. Just got back in town and finished this chap up. Hope you all have been enjoying the holidays. We're getting close to season 3!
> 
> Thank you so much for your kind comments on the last chapter! You guys are great! This chap was both harder and easier to write. Harder logistically and easier emotionally. Don't worry, I'm not going soft on you. I have plenty of angst waiting in the wings.
> 
> As always, here's [my tumblr](http://sovereignchicken.tumblr.com/). Enjoy and let me know what you think!

Lexa watched the dust particles dance around in the early morning light that made its way into the dim room with a harsh intensity. She couldn’t sleep for all the thoughts racing through her mind. She could barely even pick an individual thought out of the chaos. Instead she gave up on trying to wrangle her thoughts and simply lay on the bed watching the light change as the minutes went by.

The arm around her tightened and loosened as its owner navigated the realms of her dreams. It grounded Lexa. Almost fooled her into thinking that nothing had changed. That she hadn’t ruined everything. But when the girl’s hair shifted and her face swam into view, Lexa’s heart tightened with the realization that everything had changed. And the situation, despite her efforts, was beyond fixing.

A tear rolled down her cheek and slid down her face joining it’s now dried predecessors that had escaped throughout the night. She raised her hand to wipe angrily at it being careful not to shift the girl who currently clung to her. She had no right to feel sorry for herself and usually she was stronger but seeing Clarke the night before had chipped away at all of her strength.

Clarke had always had an uncanny ability to do that. Some things don’t change.

The girl shifted. “You can get off my bed now.”

“Gladly, if you’ll get the hell off me Anya.”

Said girl tightened her arms around Lexa in a hug that Lexa reciprocated in an attempt to convey her gratefulness.

“Alright you can let go of me now.”

“You initiated the damn hug.” Lexa grumbled as she released Anya from the hug.

“My sisterly duty.” Anya retorted as she rolled gracefully off the bed and sauntered into the bathroom. “Now go to your damn room, I want some privacy.”

“You realize my room is a converted living room complete with fireplace and no doors!”

“Nobody asked you to move in!” Anya yelled over the sound of the shower.

“Excuse me! Miss ‘I’ll keep an eye on you, Lord knows you need it plus it wouldn’t hurt with rent’”

“What!?”

“I said, ‘Excuse me Miss..Oh Fuck it nevermind.” Lexa sighed giving up her competition with the shower noise.

She stumbled out of the bed slowly, jealous of Anya’s ability to be so alive in the mornings. She made her way carelessly into her converted bedroom and tripped on a pair of jeans, landing face first onto her bed, which was just a mattress on the floor, with a thud. Five minutes of lying face down on the bed reinforced what she already knew.

Mornings sucked.

She could never sleep in and she hated getting out of bed. So she just lay there morosely remembering when mornings were her favourite time of day.

 

  
_Blonde hair was everywhere. Just everywhere. Lexa was constantly swimming in it in the mornings when she woke up. Clarke’s tendrils would manage to cover her face and Lexa would puff out a breath of air causing them to momentarily jump up in the air. She always complained about it to Clarke when she would finally wake up but Lexa loved it._

_Loved the smell of her chocolate shampoo on her hair. Loved the way the light hit her hair. Loved the way Clarke would sprawl out on top of her. Loved the way Clarke buried her face in Lexa’s neck. Her soft breaths as she breathed deeply._

_Lexa didn’t know how her body did it. Managed to wake up before Clarke every morning but she was grateful for it. Lexa was decidedly not a morning person but mornings with Clarke were like air and she consumed them eagerly._

_Clarke. Clarke. Clarke. She breathed, felt, saw, tasted, and listened to Clarke._

_She never felt as peaceful as she did on those lazy mornings where Clarke was all she could comprehend. No worries. No voices. No anxieties. Just Clarke._

_“Mmmmhhmm babe, you feel so good.” Clarke rasped still fighting the battle of sleep._

_Lexa smiled in contentment as her heart sped up at the sound of Clarke’s voice. “Morning gorgeous.”_

_Lexa tilted her head so she could see Clarke’s face._

_Clarke smiled, no doubt sensing that Lexa was watching her. "_ _Mmmm what?”_

_“Nothing just remembering how lucky I am.”_

_Clarke laughed. A low guttural sound that sent shivers down Lexa’s spine. “You are a big ball of Gouda in the mornings”_

_“_ _I prefer to think of myself more as an Aged British Cheddar.”_

_Clarke groaned in protest lightly pushing at Lexa but somehow managing to get closer instead “Stop it, you cheese nerd.”_

_“Well, I am a chef.”_

_“Mmmm speaking of breakfast.” Clarke suddenly rose off the bed in one quick movement and straddled a surprised Lexa._

_“I can make eggs, pancakes, French toast..”_

_“Mmm shut up.” Clarke interrupted pressing a kiss to Lexa’s lips._

_“I thought you wanted breakfast!” Lexa protested against her lips, faking innocence._

_“I was thinking of a special kind of breakfast.”_

_“My my, Miss Griffin, you can’t possibly be implying what I think you’re implying.” Lexa hummed reaching up to press several pecks to Clarke’s lips._

_Clarke let out a low chuckle, “Why? What’ll you do? Indulge me?”_

_“_ Y _up, Special K cereal coming right up!” Lexa exclaimed, chipper as she rolled Clarke off her, hopped off the bed and bounded into the kitchen._

_“LEXA, I SWEAR TO GOD! YOU ARE SUCH A TEASE! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!”_

_“What! You said special breakfast! What’s more special than Special K?”_

_Clarke groaned loudly in response and Lexa ignored it as she busied herself pouring cereal and milk into a bowl. Cereal making complete, Lexa paused, listening, “Lexa damnit get back in here!” she grinned and opened up the liquor cabinet and grabbed the closest drink. Whiskey._

_She opened it up not bothering with a glass and took one swig. Two. Three. “Lexa, I’m giving you five seconds!”_

_Lexa laughed feeling the light sting of the alcohol as it spread through her shoulders and relaxed her muscles. “Coming!” she yelled back bustling to put the whiskey in the liquor cabinet, cereal in the pantry, and milk in the fridge._

_She grabbed the bowl of cereal from the counter and began taking big bites as she walked to their bedroom. “Special delivery for a Miss Griffin.”_

_“Mmmm” Clarke responded sitting up on the bed and pulling Lexa into a kiss. “You taste like milk”_

_“The cereal is delicious, you should try it.”_

_“Fuck the Special K, I want to fuck you.” Clarke said, taking the cereal out of Lexa’s hands and placing it on the bedside table before she pulled Lexa on top of her._

_“Jesus, Clarke!” Lexa moaned as she licked her way into Clarke’s mouth, she shuddered as Clarke bit her lip and tried to regain her composure so she could tease Clarke._

_She loved to tease Clarke._

_“You know, Special K is high in protein, you really shouldn’t dismiss it like that.”_

_Clarke growled in frustration and rolled Lexa around kissing her way down Lexa’s body with a mad fervor, “The only protein I need is going to come from your cum.”_

_“Oh God, Clarke I don’t know how scientifically accurate…ahh God Clarke!”_

 

  
The memory elicited a sweeping heat in her and unconsciously, she began moving her hand to the heat that pooled.

“Yo, sis.”

She had never felt less aroused.

“Anya can I get some privacy?”

“No.” came the reply around the crunching of chips.

“Are those my pita chips you’re eating?”

“Yes”

“Anya?”

“Yes.”

“Please leave and take my pita chips with you and kindly return them to the snack cabinet and maybe perhaps take some of your own doritos that you constantly gush about and eat those.” Lexa mumbled into her bed in a sweet voice.

“No.”

“Anya.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“It’s 8am.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Damnit Anya what time is it?”

“9.47”

“Shit.”

“Shit is right.”

Lexa shot up from her bed, grabbing semi-clean clothes along the way and rushed into the shower. Mere minutes later, clean and clothed, she made her way past a completely unbothered Anya who was still eating her chips and walked out of the front door. She stopped in her tracks and turned around darting into the house just long enough to grab the bag of chips from a loudly protesting Anya before she walked out again.

  
She arrived at the nondescript grey conference centre late and weary. She hesitated outside for a moment before she shook her thoughts away and rushed quietly into the room she’d become familiar with trying not to draw attention to herself as she took a seat.

  
“…didn’t really realize I had a problem until I got completely drunk before Gracie’s recital.” The middle aged woman laughed heartily at her admission tugging at her necklace.

“I mean my logic for it was that I couldn’t bear to sit through all those other kids make shitty attempts at playing instruments before I got to see Gracie play. To be honest, even now I hate sitting through other kids play. It’s all much less interesting when it’s not your kid, you know.” She laughed again, joined by some of the other women in the room.

“But you know how it is, one drink is many and I don’t even remember her playing because I was so drunk.”

 

  
“..it’s never too late to be an alcoholic, don’t ever let them tell you otherwise.” The old lady, Silvia, wheezed to raucous laughter.

She was Lexa’s favourite.

“You know, like I’ve said before, they put me in a nursing home after Jorge died, ungrateful bastards. You know there is nothing more depressing than a nursing home. And I’ve beaten cancer, twice so I know all about the inside of the cancer ward. Nursing homes are kind of like jail, I should know about that too.” The room erupted in laughter.

“What you think this old lady isn’t hardcore? But seriously, they are. Make friends with the right people, get what you want. I had nurses bringing me alcohol and pretty soon I was running my own booze business. The success was limited. Of course it was. Any of you ever listen to Biggie’s '10 crack commandments’?” Lexa laughed loudly along with all of the other women in the circle.

“You.” She indicated looking at Lexa. “Do you know the commandments?”

“I do.” Lexa responded solemnly trying to fight off a laugh.

“What’s number 4?”

“Never get high on your own supply.” More laughter and Lexa gave up on her seriousness and laughed along.

“Precisely kid. Precisely.”

 

  
“I don’t know, if I can be considered an alcoholic, you know. I mean I feel like I have a problem but I’m also 21, you know? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up with no memory of how I got home. Or woken up in my car at 6am and driven home just to change clothes so I’m not wearing the same clothes to work. Or gone to the bar to have one drink after work and..” the girl trailed off wringing her hands before she took a deep breath.

“My friends are always like ‘Who gets wasted on a Monday?’ I guess I do. The thing that worries me really, is that I’ve started craving it, you know. It’s like I’m completely anxious during the latter half of the day until I get that first drink in. I don’t know. I may not be an alcoholic but I definitely have an alcohol problem so I guess that’s why I’m here.”

 

  
Lexa fidgeted nervously as all eyes in the room patiently watched her. She had never imagined she would be in a room like this after it didn’t work out the first time. Clarke had finally convinced her to go to AA ‘just to check it out’ because they were both losing control and she’d agreed. Even with Clarke sitting beside her at the meeting, she’d been unable to stomach their mantra.

She never went back after the first time.

Clarke went to two more meetings before she quit and brought a bottle of wine home to celebrate.

Many months and many more mistakes later, she found this group. Catered to women who were struggling with alcohol and focused on having people help themselves rather than trust in a higher power, Lexa had only needed one meeting to buy in. And she was so thankful she had.

“So I might have done something stupid yesterday. I did. It was stupid. I had to see her. See Clarke. So I did. She was so beautiful. She always is. She’s a detective now. A fucking detective. I’m so proud of her. I have no right to be, you know. But I’m so proud. Anyway, I went to see her. Waited for her on her doorstep. Only thing I needed to be more cliché was flowers. And she came in all her glory and told me to fuck off which kinda sucked.”

The old lady raised an eyebrow incredulously at Lexa.

“Okay you caught me, Silvia. It was emotional and devastating and I was just trying to fix things but she was right when she called me destructive. I ran home crying. It’s pretty funny in hindsight. No really, it is! Not trying to deflect with humour or anything. But I mean, our apartment..her apartment is about an hour walk from my house. And I ran non-stop, crying the whole way. By the time I got home, between the tears and the sweat, I was completely dehydrated.” Lexa laughed and shifted, her movement causing the chip bag to rustle.

“Shit, I forgot I had this.”

“I was wondering what the deal with the chips was since you’ve been cradling them and haven’t even eaten one.” Silvia spoke up.

“Yeah, I grabbed them on the way out cause my sister was being a brat and eating them.” She was met with blank faces.

“My chips. They’re my chips.”

“Sooo are you sharing?” asked the new 21 year-old addition to the group. The group laughed and chimed in with their requests for the chips. Lexa sighed dramatically before handing them over to the group.

Mongrels.

“You know what’s interesting about the whole thing yesterday? I didn’t want a drink. Crazy huh? I’m the queen of replacing tears with liqueurs. Damnit, that didn’t quite rhyme. Oh well. You get the picture. Not claiming to be by any means recovered, I mean after all I considered starting my day off with a tequila sunrise once I got outside the building and realized I was late. But I mean, yesterday, while I was full of grief, I didn’t crave a drink. Didn’t need it. And that’s….That’s everything.” Nods all around the room as these women who she’d come to know over the past several months eyed her with pride.

She wished Clarke were here.

She wished Clarke could be as proud of her as she was of Clarke.

She wished a lot of things.

“A lot of drama that visit caused though, let me tell you. My friend, Bellamy came over, one of the two mutual friends we have left. It’s been weird since things ended with Clarke. I guess they’re all still my friends. But Bellamy and Raven are really the only ones I see. Raven, I understand. Bellamy, I don’t. He kinda hated my guts when we met. Anyway, he called Anya like a hundred times but she was busy taking care of the sobbing mess that was me. So he came over and pounded on the door and wouldn’t leave until he verified that I wasn’t in a drunken stupor. What are friends for right?" Lexa paused, taking a deep breath.

"I was even more of a wreck when he left. Cause Clarke sent him. He didn’t say it but I know she must have made him promise to find out if I was okay. And that kills me. You know? God!..so I texted her. Reiterated my last words to her when I left her apartment yesterday. Told her she doesn’t need to worry, she won’t see me again. Dramatic, I know but I really think it’s best for her. She has a career and a life. And I’m still struggling. Far better than I was, for sure. But still nowhere near good enough for her. And that’s fine with me, as long as she’s okay.”

 

“Good chips.”

“I know, that’s why I saved them from my sister before you all pounced on them like the animals you are.” Lexa retorted as she held the spigot of the container, watching the stream of water cascade into her glass.

The other woman shifted, “Well, you were parading them around..”

“I did no such thing, Silvia!”

“We were tempted! We’re addicts!”

“Don’t you blame your demons for mercilessly devouring my chips!” Lexa chastised lifting the glass to her lips and drinking the water eagerly.

“You’re oddly possessive.” Silvia observed as she started filling up a glass of her own.

“They’re my chips.”

“You let them go. Sometimes it’s good to let things go.”

Lexa quirked an eyebrow at the older woman, “Is this life advice or chip advice.”

“Chip advice.”

“Got any life advice for me then?”

“Yeah, don’t let _her_ go.”

“I don’t know if I can take that advice. Sometimes the damage is too much to fix.”

“It’s not all your fault, Lexa. From what you talk about, even when you try to paint her in the best light, which you always do, it’s not all your fault.” Silvia soothed running a callused hand up and down Lexa’s arms.

“Doesn’t mean the damage isn’t still too much to fix. And I can’t just let myself off anyway. She messed up, yeah, but she was the one who fought to fix her mistakes. Not me. Never me. Till now I guess but it’s a bit late.”

Silvia let out a long suffering sigh. “Fine Lexa, maybe you’ll listen to me next week.”

“I guess I have no choice but to endure your harassing next week also.”

“ _Mija_ , you should be glad I bother to help you. You have more brains than my kids. It gives me hope.” Silvia declared before abruptly turning on her heel and intercepting the newest addition to the group as she tried to leave. Lexa chuckled as she watched the wide-eyed young girl nod profusely at Silvia’s words.

She loved this group. Loved the women in it. Real and raw and exactly what she needed.

 

  
_“Lex! Babe! I’m home.”_

_“Hey, gorgeous. Didn’t expect you in so early.” Lexa responded lazily from her reclined position on the couch._

_She sat up, muted the television as Clarke approached and leaned down to kiss her. “Mmm hey.” Lexa hummed._

_“Hey.” Clarke shrugged off her coat setting down her paper bag and walked back to the door to put the coat up on a hook._

_“Why are you home early? Did you play truant?” Lexa asked worriedly._

_“I did better than that. I quit!”_

_“_ _What! Why?”_

_“Oh, same reason you did.” Clarke explained, as she breezed back into the living room, “All that crap about ego’s and surrendering.”_

_“Oh.” Lexa responded, deflated. She had hoped, despite her own disdain of their methods, that Clarke would continue to go as it seemed to be serving its intended purpose and keeping them both sober despite the misery of it._

_“I feel freer already!” Clarke laughed as she pulled two bottles out of the paper bag._

_“Is that..?”_

_“Yes ma’am, cheap god awful grocery store wine at your service.” she responded excitedly setting the bottles down before she bounded into their room._

_“Clarke.”_

_“What’s wrong babe? Are you doubting my taste in bad wine?” Clarke called out._

_“No.” Lexa responded weakly eyeing the bottles and already relaxing in anticipation. She shook her head. Shook it again._

_“I don’t know about this.” Lexa let out half-heartedly as Clarke walked back in the living room in a pair of boyshorts and Lexa’s old t-shirt._

_“What? Having a drink?” Clarke queried as she grabbed one of the bottles and sat on the end of the couch._

_“Yeah, it’s been almost a month since I last drank, since we both last drank, and it’s been bearable. I mean I quit the stupid meetings and I still haven’t drank a drop even though I’m moody, shaky and just a mess but..”_

_“Exactly.” Clarke said calmly leaning in towards Lexa. “I think it was a bad idea to just quit like that.”_

_“You’re the one who threw out all the bottles and instituted a ban on going out for both of us.” Lexa protested, confused._

_“I know. And look how much it’s sucked. We’ve been fighting and not really talking and I don’t want that.”_

_“So?”_

_“So tonight we celebrate.”_

_“And then?”_

_“Easy.” Clarke rasped, matter-of-factly, “We cut down. We don’t have to stop or kill our fun or anything but like, two drink limit.”_

_Lexa remained silent, doubts written all over her face._

_“Listen babe, you’ve been drinking since you were 14, you can’t just stop like that. How much sleep have you gotten in the past 3 weeks?”_

_And just like that Lexa was compliant._

_She missed her sleep desperately._

_She’d been tossing and turning every night for the duration of her sobriety and had cut herself 3 times at work this week alone because she couldn’t focus._

_“Cheap god awful grocery store wine huh?”_

_“Yes ma’am. What do you say?” Clarke asked cheerily opening the bottle and pressing it teasingly against her lips._

_“God, yes.”_

 

  
A buzz to the left of her head woke an exhausted Lexa up and she let out a groan in protest. She’d stayed up late with an aggressive Silvia who had accosted her again after the meeting earlier in the day and insisted Lexa join her for bingo night. She opened one eye and squinted at her phone. 4.43 am. She groaned again at the time before the notification caught her attention.

Her heart dropped.

When she texted Clarke the prior week, she certainly hadn’t expected a response let alone a response like this.

  
**Clarke: I can’t stop thinking about you either. It’s getting to me. I didn’t hear you out. I at least owe you that. Meet @ Ark for brunch Saturday? Please?**


	3. Cause forgetting you is like ignoring the weather.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No goals huh?” Lexa said voice wavering as she turned around eyes expressing a hurt that made Clarke’s stomach flip uncomfortably.
> 
> Clarke sighed reaching out, “Let me get you to bed Lex, we’ll talk in the morning.”
> 
> “I’ll take the couch thanks, wouldn’t want to get in the way of your goals.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. This story has been so interesting to write cause it's so complex and jumpy time-wise, I actually had to map out a plan for this and the upcoming chapters which is honestly something I've never done in my writing but I'm excited about it! This one is flashbacky and angsty. Sorry, not sorry. 
> 
> As per usual, [my tumblr.](http://sovereignchicken.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments! I do so love reading them. Hope you enjoy!

_“Clarke! Clarke!”_

_Clarke could hear her name being called from a distance but her head hurt so so much and she just wanted everything to go away. She felt herself being shaken and the nausea overtook her at the violence of the movement._

_Oh God._

_She was throwing up._

_“Fuck, Clarke! We have to get you to a hospital! The radio’s out! Fuck!”_

_What radio? Clarke couldn’t think. Couldn’t figure out where she was. The voice was getting louder. She opened up her eyes. The first thing she saw was blood. She threw up again._

_“Fuck! C’mon! Stay with me Clarke!”_

_How could she when the world was so so hazy. She heard rather than saw the car door open. She was in a car? She felt herself get lifted and tried to hold on to her helper._

_“Octagon?” she slurred out recognizing the face of her savior._

_“That’s my Clarke! Stay with me.”_

_How could she when the world was so so.._

 

 

“Griff! Pay attention!” Blake chastised.

“I’m paying attention!” Clarke protested as she shook the piece of paper in front of her and settled deeper into her chair.

“Okay, so I was saying, both girls go to Mecha High School. Both went missing within a week of each other. We have reason to believe they ran away from their Facebook statuses, but we’re not ruling anything out yet. Griff!?”

“I’m listening Officer Blake, Goddamnit!” Clarke snapped and instantly regretted it.

Blake was unperturbed at Clarke’s outburst as she sat down on the desk opposite Clarke. “Okay let’s talk. What’s eating you?”

“Nothing!” Clarke insisted shaking her head. “Two girls, same high school.”

“We’re not talking about this case until you are with me completely so I repeat, what’s eating you?”

“I’m not edible.” Clarke said drily.

“Clarke.”

“Fine. It’s Lexa.”

“Lexa.” Blake stated rather than asked.

“Lexa.” Clarke confirmed.

“What about her?”

“She came to see me last night.”

“Last night.”

“Last night.”

“What did she want?”

“To fix things. Said she’s changed.”

“Changed.”

“Yes changed. For fuck’s sake Octogenarian are you going to keep repeating the words I say?” Clarke asked half exasperated, half amused.

“I’m just trying to make sure I’m hearing you right.”

“You are.”

“So..”

“I told her to leave.”

“Good. Settled. Back to the case.”

“Octavia.” Clarke said calmly, trying to get the other woman’s attention.

“The similarity in the statuses leads me to believe that there is a correlation but why..”

“Octavia.”

“You told her to leave and that was it.”

“Yeah, essentially. Then I asked Bellamy to check on her.” 

“Bellamy as in my brother?” Octavia asked leaning forward.

“Do you know any other Bellamys?”

“He didn’t mention that when we talked this morning.”

Clarke shrugged in response.

“No but why wouldn’t he?” Octavia pressed on.

“Why would he with the way you are about Lexa!”

“With good reason!” she exclaimed baring her teeth.

“Okay. Okay. I don’t wanna fight about this.” Clarke relented feeling exhausted from the exchange. She leaned further back into the chair and gripped the piece of paper with the pictures of the two missing girls on it tightly.

“I didn’t know he was still talking to her.”

“He doesn’t talk about her to me. I just guessed he was, mostly cause I didn’t want to talk to Raven.”

“Raven.”

“Yeah, Raven.” Clarke responded rubbing her eyes. “Okay, so Mel’s mother said she was being bullied and she was reclusive but Keenan by all accounts was doing well in school..”

“So what did Bellamy say?”

Clarke sighed wanting to be done with the conversation, “He said she was fine.”

Octavia scoffed. “Fine?”

“That’s what he said.”

“Look Clarke, I know you don’t want to hear it but you did the right thing. This stuff we’re doing right here..” she said indicating the papers strewn on the table. “This is important. This is what you almost lost.  Do you remember?”

“Yes I remember Octavia.” Clarke said rolling her eyes.

“You nearly lost everything. It took you months to fix shit. With the force. With me. And you did it. Fought for it. Came back. Earned yourself a damn promotion and you’re here doing this.”

“I know.”

“All she ever did was drag you down”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true.”

“Just. Don’t say that.”

“You did the right thing Griff.”

“Let’s just get back to the case.”

 

 

_"Officer Griffin, I can’t believe we’re doing this.”_

_“Sir.”_

_“I just.. can I get an explanation? Off the record? You to me? I know things are rough at home. I just can’t wrap my head around this.”_

_“I don’t know what to say Chief.” And Clarke really didn’t. She had no recollection of the events leading up to the accident. All she knew from the chattering at the hospital, was that Officer Blake was driving._

_Blake never drove. Clarke always drove._

_But Blake was driving. And that was the only thing that saved Clarke from criminal charges._

_“Well Officer Griffin, why don’t we start with how you thought it was a good idea to show up to work drunk. Have your weapon on you! And get in a vehicle with Officer Blake to pursue dangerous suspects! What if you had caught the suspects? What then? Huh? What kind of backup could you have afforded Officer Blake?”_

_“I don’t know, sir.”_

_Chief Jaha sat back in his chair looking perplexed and an uncomfortable silence filled the room. Clarke thumbed at the jeans that Maya had leant her because her uniform was covered in her own vomit and blood, wondering what she could say to get out of this situation._

_“Do you remember the accident?”_

_“Yes.” she lied, nodding and wincing at the pain from her head injury the movement caused._

_“Everything leading up to it?” She nodded again. Another lie._

_“Chief, I thought I was okay. Really, I did. I was drinking last night. And I guess, I didn’t realize how much.”_

_“How late last night?”_

_“Not sure.” Lie._

_“At least 8 hours before your shift this morning?”_

_“No sir.” Truth._

_Chief Jaha let out a frustrated sigh. “We have an 8 hour rule.”_

_“I know, sir.”_

_“How many hours?”_

_“Sir?”_

_"How many hours before your shift were you last drinking?”_

_“I’m not sure maybe 4 or 5.” Lie._

_Another sigh emanated from the Chief. “Clarke, listen, off the record, I’ve been talking to your mom, she tells me you’ve had a problem for a while now. I just didn’t ever think it would affect your work”_

_“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”_

_The chief pressed on, leaning forward and putting his palms on the desk. “Clarke, I know your mom and you don’t exactly see eye..”_

_“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”_

_He stood abruptly sending his chair rolling back into the wall violently and began pacing. “How many times have you been drunk on the job Officer Griffin.”_

_“I don’t know, sir.”_

_He stopped pacing and turned slowly to meet Clarke’s gaze, “Off the record, Clarke, how many times have you been drunk on the job?”_

_“Depends on what you mean by drunk.”_

_“Hungover. Buzzed.”_

_“A lot.” She whispered, feeling her chest tighten and tears sting her eyes._

_“How many times while you’ve been driving a patrol car?” he asked quietly almost afraid of the answer._

_“Sir..” Clarke trailed off._

_“Badge, ID, and gun.” He said sternly, rooted to his spot._

_This was it, Clarke realized as she carefully placed the requested items on his desk. She was losing her job. Her job she fought so hard for. Her job she loved so much._

_“You’re suspended Officer Griffin.”_

_“What?” Clarke shook her head in disbelief. She couldn’t have heard correctly._

_“Suspended. Indefinitely. Pending progress in counseling.”_

_“Counseling?” Clarke asked slowly, still sure she was misunderstanding him._

_“Your record is stellar, Officer Griffin. You’ve been an excellent addition to the force so far. I can’t express how to you how glad I am, that that these are the circumstances in which you were caught. If you had been driving..”_

_“I know, sir.”_

_“I will monitor your progress from your counselor and determine whether to allow you back on the force.”_

_“Sir, Thank you.”_

_“Don’t thank me. Get better. You’re at the beginning of a slippery path, one I’ve seen many go down. I would hate to add you to that list.”_

_Clarke nodded still in disbelief and stood up slowly and unsurely.  She waited for a moment but no more words from her chief came. She stumbled to the door and left the office, leaning against the outside of the closed door with her eyes shut. She breathed slowly, head still reeling with the gravity of the situation that had just now caught up to her._

_In._

_Out._

_In._

_Out._

_“Officer Griffin.”_

_She opened her eyes, heart beating fast at the voice._

_“Octavia listen..”_

_“I don’t want to do this here, Officer Griffin.” Blake said, eyes hard as she nodded at the desks of the other officers whose eyes were glued to the two women._

_Clarke followed her tense form as she led the way into one of the interrogation rooms. Blake walked in and turned slowly facing Clarke as she entered the room and closed the door behind her. The single light above them in the room hit Blake’s face in a way that only illuminated the lower half of her face._

_The room was quiet for minutes as they stood there table and chairs between them. Clarke was more afraid of this Octavia than she ever was of Chief Jaha._

_“Officer Griffin do you frequently back me up while intoxicated?”_

_“Octavia..”_

_“Do you regard my life so little..”_

_“Octavia..”_

_“So when you suggested I drive cause you had a headache..”_

_“Octavia, I don’t even remember doing that..” Clarke blurted out._

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_“You don’t remember?” Octavia asked, lowly, dangerously._

_“I don’t really remember anything since last night.” Clarke confessed, knowing that at this point, lying wouldn’t help._

_“You rode with me, chased suspects with me, while blackout drunk?” Octavia asked in disbelief and rage, stepping into the light._

_Clarke stiffened at the sight of her eyes. “Yes. I did.” she responded._

_Octavia nodded and tiredly slumped into one of the chairs massaging her bandaged wrist. “I knew that sometimes you were hungover but drunk, Clarke? God! How often?”_

_Clarke remained silent._

_“That often huh?”_

_More silence._

_"Did he fire you?”_

_“No.”_

_“He should have. I would have.”_

_“Octavia, I don’t know..”_

_“God Clarke! You know! You’re just like Lexa.” Blake exclaimed standing back up and looking around in disbelief._

_“Don’t bring her into this..”_

_“How can’t I?” Octavia yelled advancing on Clarke. “How the fuck can’t I huh? She’s the worst thing that's ever happened to you.” she spat out in disgust._

_“She..”_

_“No. She’s a fucking drunk. And you..I’m beginning to think you’re the worst thing that's ever happened to me.”_

_“Octavia..” Clarke whispered, hurt. “Octavia please..”_

_She didn’t even know what she was pleading for as the tears started to stream down her face. Her friend, her best friend, her partner, had always been stubborn and Clarke knew that. She knew it was pointless. She couldn’t fix this. But she tried. “Octavia let me just..”_

_"No, Clarke. I’m done. If you get back on the force and that’s a big if in your state, I’m not gonna be your partner. You broke my trust. You can go to Hell.” she stated with finality before she brushed past a sobbing Clarke and exited the room._

 

 

Clarke finished the last of the beer she’d been nursing for an hour and set the glass down gingerly before pushing it towards the edge of the table and settling back on the stool. It had been a long day of brainstorming on the case with the two missing girls and Octavia had wanted to unwind with a few drinks at the bar down the street from the station.

“Want another?” asked Myles the eager rookie as he leaned in way too close to Clarke.

“No. Thank you.”

“Oh come on, you’ve only had one. You only ever drink one beer then tap out. Just have more for once.”

Clarke felt Octavia stiffen beside her and she turned to the rookie and calmly reiterated her words.

“Look just have another, you can stand to loosen up. I’ll buy.” He said picking up her empty glass.

“Or you could accept that she doesn’t want another drink and fuck off.”

Clarke startled at the voice behind her knowing it well.

The rookie sputtered a string of apologies, before scampering off in fear. Raven tended to have that effect.

“What are you doing here?” Octavia spat.

“It’s a uniformed bar.” Raven responded walking to stand beside Clarke and gesturing around the bar. “I’m a uniform wearer.”

“Clarke didn’t need your help.”

“You can fuck off too.”

“I’ll do just that.” Octavia said angrily before she hopped off her stool and stalked off to the bar.

“Remember when she was my best friend?” Raven asked sarcastically.

“Hardly.”

“So, I got a call today.” Raven said pulling up a stool in front of Clarke and facing her.

“Who from?”

“The better Blake.”

“And he said?”

“Something about some drama last night.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t hear it from Lexa.”

Raven shifted in her stool and narrowed her eyes at Clarke. “Is this you being bitter? Cause it doesn’t suit you.”

“Sorry Raven. I should have called you.” Clarke sighed drawing circles on the table with her finger.

“She did text me just a bit ago.”

“Did she?”

“Yup. Nothing about you though, typical Lexa avoiding the big stuff, just an anecdote about Silvia.”

“I don’t know a Silvia.”

“You don’t know a lot of things Clarke.”

Clarke stilled her hands and looked directly at Raven, “Honestly, I’d been thinking about her so much since she left but I’d trained myself to ignore it, you know. And then here she comes and now I can’t even get my thoughts straight.”

“That’s probably because you’re not straight.”

“Funny.”

“It really was but you’re feeling sorry for yourself.”

She leaned back grabbing a guy by the back of his shirt. He stumbled back looking indignant and she grabbed his drink out of his hands and promptly took a swig. “Mine.” she declared. He grumbled good-naturedly but readily went to the bar to get another.

“Nice to see you treating your crew with respect.”

“Fuck that.”

“What should I do?”

“You’re asking me for advice?”

“Yeah.”

“My advice is to go back in the past and not abandon the girl you loved in her time of need.”

“Everything was falling apart for me.”

“Nobody’s arguing that.”

“I needed to not be with her.”

“You don’t need to _be with_ someone to be there for them.” 

“I know. I know. I should have tried.”

“You didn’t even keep up with her. Do you even know what’s going on in her life?”

Clarke sighed and shook her head. Raven took another sip of her drink and watched Clarke as she wrung her hands. “I needed _you_.” she almost whispered.

“ _Lexa_ needed me more. Besides we’ve hung out here and there.”

“It’s not the same.”

“No it’s not, and I’m sorry about that. We all could have handled things better.” Raven responded eyes trained on the bar where Octavia was standing. She ducked her head as soon as Octavia turned and began to walk back.

“Listen, Clarke, you don’t need my advice. You know what you need to do.” she stood up and downed the rest of the beer before she squeezed Clarke’s hand. “We should actually hang out some time. I miss you.”

Clarke squeezed her hand back and smiled. “I miss you too Rave.” 

Raven nodded once and let go of Clarke’s hand gently before she walked towards her crew. 

“Let’s not talk about what that conversation entailed.” Octavia said as she came up to Clarke, eyes trained on Raven’s retreating form.

“Okay.”

 

 

_Clarke sat on the ground shivering slightly in her borrowed clothes as she leaned against the beat up red truck that sat in the fire station parking lot. She watched the cars drive past in the street and wished she could be any one of the drivers in the cars. Maybe a mom driving her kids home from dance lessons or a woman driving to join her friends for dinner after a nine to five. Instead she sat, head throbbing after being slammed into the dashboard and pride deflated after losing both her job and best friend in one day. She took a deep breath in and out and tried to convince herself that she would find a way to make it better._

_Just as she was cursing the rain that decided to start up, a ray of light came in the form of Raven Reyes._

_“My, my, my, do my eyes deceive me or is this Officer Clarke Griffin in the flesh preventing me from keeping dry in my truck.”_

_"Hey Raven, sorry.” Clarke said, glad to see her friend as she stood up and moved out of the way._

_Raven stood silently for a moment observing her before she advanced slowly on her and pulled her into a hug. Clarke’s arms came up around Raven and she squeezed her tightly, grateful for the contact._

_“I’m guessing you’ve heard.” Clarke said softly, looking anywhere but at Raven._

_“C’mon, hop in.” Raven said, too chipper for the occasion as she opened the driver’s side door. Clarke walked around to the passenger side and hopped in immediately putting her hands up to the vents to consume the warm air that came from the heater._

_For a moment, both women were silent as they warmed themselves up before Clarke finally spoke. “So, Octavia called?”_

_“Called she did.”_

_“You don’t seem to hate me.” Clarke mumbled looking down._

_“Oh Clarke, no I don’t. And she doesn’t either. She’ll come around.”_

_“She has every reason to be mad.”_

_“I didn’t say she didn’t. You did a really dumb thing. And not just once. But we all do dumb things, Clarke. It’s what we do after that matters, defines us.”_

_“She said Lexa was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”_

_“Do you think so?”_

_“No. I don’t.”_

_“Well, okay then.”_

_“How was work?”_

_“A whole lot better than your work day considering that I still have a job.”_

_“Raven.”_

_“Sorry..bad jokes in the face of not so good things are kind of my thing. Work was..you know, the usual. Fought fires, saved kittens.”_

_“Did you actually save a kitten?”_

_“Nah, but there was a college freshman with his head stuck between the bars of a gate so really, same difference.”_

_Clarke laughed heartily, glad for the relief in her day, “Maybe I should change careers.”_

_“We don’t like cops in general, all they do is get in our way, but you specifically, suspension and all, hell no!”_

_“Gee, thanks for the cheering up.” Clarke said, amusement gone._

_“Not trying to cheer you up. Trying to be here for you. Two completely different things.”_

_“Yeah, I know.”_

_“I’m guessing you haven’t talked to Lexa.”_

_“You’re guessing right.” Clarke leaned back in her seat, no longer cold and closed her eyes as she listened to the patter of the rain against the roof of Raven’s car. She felt like she was in an unpleasant dream that dragged on and on and on. She took a deep breath knowing the day was far from over._

_“Hey Raven?”_

_“Yeah.” Raven responded softly._

_Eyes still closed, Clarke took another breath and asked the question she’d come here to ask, “How did you do it? With your mom and all and then you when you got caught up in all that?”_

_Raven was quiet for a moment before she responded, “Boy next door, Finn. He took care of me, made me realize I didn’t need any of it. That I could rise above it. That I could be whatever I wanted to be.”_

_Clarke opened her eyes to see a smiling Raven and she smiled back, happy for her friend. “That’s great Rave.”_

_“Yeah. It is. C’mon Princess, let’s get you home.”_

_The ensuing drive was too short. Clarke needed more time but none was forthcoming. She fidgeted nervously trying to draw out the seconds as Raven’s truck idled outside the apartment building._

_“You know you have to go in right?”_

_“Yeah, I know.” Clarke took a deep breath to steel herself and hopped out of the car and into the rain._

_“Hey!” Raven called out before she could close the door behind her. Clarke leaned back in to the truck and Raven leaned over and grasped Clarke’s shoulder giving it a reassuring squeeze, “You know, there were days when it was so shitty that I genuinely could not comprehend it ever getting better.”_

_“Is this a pep talk?”_

_“Yeah, if you’ll stop being a little shit!” Raven exclaimed with a grin, “I’m honestly not too worried about you.”_

_“Thank you?”_

_“No, really I’m not. Cause I know you, and I know your grit. You’ll get through this, just don’t doubt yourself okay.”_

_“Thanks Raven.”_

_“No problem Princess.” Clarke smiled at her friend and backed away from the car before she was struck by an afterthought, “Wait Raven! What about Lexa?”_

_“Am I worried about her? Yeah, I am but I know you have her back.”_

_Clarke’s heart sank at the words because as angry as she was at herself, she’d been prepared to blame Lexa for this._

_How fucked up of her?_

_“Thanks again!”_

_“Hey, not even a problem, I love you!”_

_“Love you too, drive safely.” Clarke said shutting the door and turning to face the apartment building. The rain pounded mercilessly around her and usually she couldn’t wait to get out of it but it seemed safe compared to what she might meet._

_Walking into the building, entering the elevator, walking down the hallway was all a blur. She found herself standing in the entryway, door closed behind her for a minute._

_“Do you feel as shit as I do right now?” Lexa’s voice came from the couch with a giggle._

_“I feel worse.” Clarke responded still standing still._

_“I doubt that babe, I’ve been drinking all day and this hangover is still killing me.”_

_At her words Clarke was suddenly irrevocably angry._

_“Did you find a job today?”_

_“Did you miss the part where I said I’ve been drinking all day?”_

_“You need to get another job.”_

_“Relax Clarke.” Lexa snapped, standing up and finally coming into Clarke’s view, “I only got fired a week ago. I’m still in celebration. Besides it’s not like there’s an overabundance of restaurants looking for Head Chefs.”_

_“How would you know when you’ve been ‘in celebration’?”_

_“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Clarke.”_

_Clarke ignored her and walked forward into the room angrily, spotting the empty bottles on the counter._

_“Clarke! What happened baby? Are you okay?” Lexa tutted, seeing Clarke’s face and rushing over worriedly to examine her head. Clarke’s eyes closed at the soft touch of Lexa’s hands on her face. She leaned in, as Lexa’s arms wrapped around her and she felt a soft kiss pressed underneath her bandage. “What happened baby?”_

_“There was an accident.”_

_“Is everyone okay?” Lexa asked loosening her grip and looking at Clarke whose eyes opened to meet Lexa’s own green ones._

_“Yeah, Blake hit a wall during a chase, nothing too serious.”_

_“Octavia was driving?”_

_“Yeah.” Clarke responded harshly pushing away from Lexa and backing away a few steps. “I was too drunk to drive.”_

_Lexa frowned and shook her head, “Clarke..”_

_“Yup, that’s right. Too drunk. Don’t even remember the accident. We ended up in a hospital and of course they quickly realized I was wasted and that was it. End of story. You’re looking at former Officer Clarke Griffin now, you must be proud.”_

_Lexa let out gasp, “They fired you?”_

_“Suspended.” Clarke responded as she grabbed the bottles from the counter and began stuffing them into the trash can._

_“Okay that’s not too bad.”_

_“Not too bad. Not too bad! This is my career Lexa. And look at this fucking apartment, it’s a mess.” Clarke yelled out gesturing at the space._

_“I’m not dealing with this.”_

_“What the fuck does that mean Lexa?”_

_“It means that you’re being a bitch right now and I’m not in the mood.”_

_“I just got suspended Lexa. Suspended. Forgive me if I’m a little bit angry.”_

_“Not my fault you fucked up.” Lexa said walking back to the couch and grabbing her unfinished beer. “Blame me all you want Princess, but maybe you’re just not cut out to be a cop.”_

_“What the fuck Lexa!?”_

_“Don’t cops have to be responsible?” she asked, taking a long swig._

_“You’re being a bitch.”_

_“Must have caught it from you.” Lexa said with finality, dropping the now empty bottle, grabbing her shoes, and walking out of the apartment._

_When she walked back in, hours later, Clarke was standing in the same position but the apartment was spotless. Lexa raised an eyebrow as she kicked off her shoes at the door but said nothing as she brushed by Clarke on her way to the fridge._

_“You’re drunk.” Clarke observed quietly._

_“Are we doing this?” Lexa asked turning away from the fridge to look at Clarke. “Where are my beers?”_

_“Are they not there?” Clarke said in a sweet tone._

_Lexa slammed the fridge door shut and walked to the designated liquor cabinet which she quickly shut realizing it was empty as well. She didn’t turn around for a moment and Clarke watched as her shoulders tensed. “We’re doing this again.”_

_“I’m going to get back on the force Lexa. Just because you have no goals, doesn’t mean the rest of us can afford to be so blasé.”_

_“No goals, huh?” Lexa said voice wavering as she turned around, eyes expressing a hurt that made Clarke’s stomach flip uncomfortably._

_Clarke sighed reaching out, “Let me get you to bed Lex, we’ll talk in the morning.”_

_“I’ll take the couch thanks, wouldn’t want to get in the way of your goals.”_

_“Lex, you know I didn’t mean that. Come to bed.” Clarke pleaded, hand still held out._

_Lexa shook her head, eyes hard, before she walked towards Clarke and leaned in, “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near you.”_

_Clarke’s heart stuttered at the words and she couldn’t help the moisture that dripped from her eyes. “Lex..”_

_But Lexa had already retreated to the couch and Clarke didn’t have the energy to try to fight her on it._

_Everything would be better in the morning._

_It had to be._

 

Clarke sat on the couch, legs propped up on the table, face scrunched up in concentration as she navigated her way through the video game hallways. Her character’s gun was drawn as she chased the red dots of her opponents.

She was inching closer.

Closer.

She was dead.

“Damnit!”

“Jesus Clarke, you suck at this game. How are you a cop?”

Clarke huffed in frustration and threw an oreo at Jasper’s head.

“Whoa, whoa, no need for violence Clarke. It’s not his fault you suck.” Monty defended as Jasper pretended to be critically injured, rolling around on the floor dramatically.

“Whatever Monty, at least I can shoot a gun in real life.” she retorted, inching her newly respawned character to the red dot that was Monty.

Dead.

Damn.

“You’re not giving me much cause to believe that.”

“Whatever, this game sucks anyway.” she said petulantly, putting down the controller.

“Whoa!” The boys exclaimed in unison.

“Not cool!” Jasper said solemnly.

“Too far.” Monty chimed in equally serious.

It was almost 5 in the morning on her day off and she supposed that she could blame it on exhaustion, but really they were right.

She did suck. And she was always a sore loser about it. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t talk shit before she lost.

“Fine fine.” She relented picking the controller back up. “I’m back in business, gonna kill you with a sword this time.”

Jasper laughed, “Please, that’s Lexa’s weapon. Nobody can wield it like she does.”

“Dude, Lexa used to murder us!" Monty agreed.

“Look at me. I’m Commander Lexa of the badass crew.” Jasper said clearing his throat before poorly imitating Lexa, “Boys, your fight is over.”

“Oh my God!” Monty said between laughs, “I forgot she used to say that. What a troll.”

The boys laughed for a moment before the both comically realized at the same time.

They turned to Clarke with worried faces. “Clarke.”

Clarke ignored them as well as the pang in her heart and took advantage of their distraction to find both of their characters who were in adjacent rooms and kill them in quick succession.

“Hey!”

“Not fair!”

“Well you weren’t paying attention!” Clarke exclaimed feigning smugness.

“Hey Clarke, we didn’t mean..” Monty began.

“Monty, Jas, you can talk about her. I was with her for three years. You were her friends. Yes things ended in a shitty way but that was almost a year ago so you can definitely talk about her if you want to.”

“Okay.” Jasper said, doubt evident in his voice.

“Okay.” Monty echoed turning back to the game. But Clarke was distracted. As the boys kept playing she picked up her phone and fiddled aimlessly with it.

Well, she had an aim.

She was just reluctant about it. It had been a week since Lexa had shown up at her apartment and she was already regretting letting it sit so long. She composed the text and sent it before she had time to second guess herself and tried to refocus on the game.   

 

 

_Clarke sat apprehensively in in the leather chair that she’d become accustomed to over the past couple of months. While she was comfortable in the chair itself, the room itself and the purpose of the visits kept her on edge. She listened to the steady tick of the clock as she studied the generic abstract paintings on the wall, which she could have sworn graced the walls of every counselor’s office._

_“Are you finding yourself distracted a lot?” Dr. Cartwig, her counselor asked, bringing her back to reality._

_“What? No. Not really. Just tired right now.”_

_“How are your meetings going?”_

_“As well as AA meetings can go I guess.” Clarke muttered disdainfully._

_“Officer Griffin, AA has been proven..”_

_“I know, I know. I don’t mind them that much. It’s pretty cool that all the people in the meetings are police officers. They get the pressures you know?”_

_“Do you feel like the job was causing too much pressure in your life?”_

_“No.” Clarke responded sighing, “It’s tough but the stress was a combination of everything you know, but I guess that’s over now.”_

_“How do you mean?”_

_“Work. Drinking. Lexa. Those were my stresses.” Clarke counted off on her fingers, “I was suspended 2 months ago, I stopped drinking that day, and as of yesterday, Lexa is gone.”_

_“Gone?”_

_“Gone.”_

_“Do you want to talk about it?”_

_“What’s to say? Came home from AA, she wasn’t on the couch half passed out like usual, she wasn’t anywhere, and then I realized neither was her stuff.”_

_“Was this a surprise to you?”_

_“Yes. No. We fought in the morning, before I left for my meeting. Pretty badly. I said some things.” Clarke admitted, feeling like her stomach was dropping away. She remained calm on the exterior not wanting to break down in front of Dr. Cartwig._

_“Do you think you were justified?”_

_“What? In saying the things I said?..Yes and No. Some stuff was true but the rest was mean. Really mean. But I mean..I don’t know.”_

_“But what Officer Griffin?”_

_“But even the mean stuff..” Clarke trailed off._

_“Go on.” Dr. Cartwig encouraged softly. Clarke liked her. She was gentle and didn’t make Clarke uncomfortable with her prodding._

_“I think..” Clarke began with a deep breath, “I think even though I was harsh and not at all fair to her, I needed to do it.”_

_“Why’s that?”_

_“She would have never left. She would have fought for us.”_

_“You wanted her to leave?”_

_“No! God No. Not at all. Even when I hated her, I loved her. I wanted her.”_

_“What then?”_

_“I needed her to leave.” Clarke confessed in a small voice. “I don’t..I don’t know if I could have kept doing all this and then coming home to her. The way she was. It was killing me.”_

 

 

“Earth to Clarke.”

“What?”

“We killed you like 30 times and you didn’t notice.” Monty said worriedly.

Clarke shook her head still staring at the response from Lexa that had been immediate. “Yeah, that’s why I’m about to kick your ass in retaliation. Get ready boys.”

 

**Lexa: I’ll be there at 11.**


	4. So please say you'll meet me. Meet me halfway.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Clarke.”
> 
> “No listen to me Lex, I know I said I’d hear you out but I’ve been mulling over this.”
> 
> Lexa remained quiet to let Clarke finish. She watched Clarke take a deep breath and a swig of her water before she spoke again.
> 
> “I didn’t think you would get better.”
> 
> Lexa didn’t know what she had expected but it certainly wasn’t that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you all again for the kudos and comments. They fuel me! This is another rough one. But there's hope yet!  
> I actually held off on watching the premiere until I finished this. So wish me luck as I dive into that. I have a feeling this season will wreck me completely.
> 
> [My tumblr,](http://sovereignchicken.tumblr.com/) as always. Feel free to come say hi or ask me questions about this fic!

_“Lexa, Lexa.”_

_Lexa could hear the far away voice as it broke into her dreamless sleep. She felt herself being shaken lightly and she ignored the voice, desperate for more sleep._

_Go away._

_Go away._

_“Go away.” she managed to voice her thoughts despite being half asleep._

_In speaking, she unfortunately made the moment real and the sleep she’d been craving escaped her. She opened her eyes in a daze and the blurry figure of a blonde haired girl came into view._

_Her blonde haired girl._

_Not that she was particularly happy with her right now._

_Her anger jolted her into action and she abruptly sat up and swung off the couch somehow managing not to fall before she pushed Clarke off her and made a beeline for the armchair closest to the TV. She heard Clarke sigh and saw her run her fingers through her hair in her periphery._

_“Can we talk Lex?”_

_“What about?” Lexa mumbled as she grabbed the remote and turned on the TV._

_“Can you turn that down?”_

_“What?”_

_“Turn that down?”_

_“What?”_

_Before she could process it, the remote was snatched from her hand and the TV was turned off._

_“What the fuck! I was watching that!” Lexa seethed, finally turning to look at the blonde who had her arms crossed._

_“What exactly were you watching?”_

_“What?”_

_“What was on TV, Lexa, that you were so eagerly watching?”_

_“Don’t take that tone with me.”_

_“Don’t ignore me.”_

_Lexa sighed and turned away from Clarke before she finally spoke, “What do you want to talk about?”_

_“Yesterday, and what’s going to happen from now on.”_

_Lexa carelessly waved a hand to indicate that Clarke could go ahead and talk and didn’t miss the frown that marred Clarke’s features at the action._

_“Okay, so..I’m sorry. I was a jerk to you last night when I got home.”_

_Lexa remained silent out of pure stubborn pride._

_“I was frustrated and feeling like absolute shit for losing my job essentially. And Octavia..she..she said she never wants to work with me again.” Clarke let out before she took a shaky breath._

_Lexa watched her as she did so wanting nothing more than to take Clarke’s arms that were wrapped tightly around her body and put them around her own body and just hold her and breathe her in. The intensity of her desire to do so choked her and she found herself coughing in an effort to clear her mind._

_The coughing startled Clarke out of her blank stare towards the empty screen of the TV and she met Lexa’s eyes cautiously._

_Lexa steeled herself despite the shudder that ran through her body at the blonde’s conflicted gaze. “So what’s going to happen from now on?”_

 

 

Lexa’s heart was thumping and she nearly called out to Anya in her excitement. It was such an odd time for Clarke to be texting.

Almost five in the morning.

And with a request to talk.

Lexa figured she must have just woken up for an early work day and her stomach swooped at the fact that if so, Lexa had been the first person Clarke had thought about this morning. She wondered, for a brief moment, whether she should wait to respond but decided not to and sent her a text saying she’d be at Ark café at 11.

The reply was instantaneous and a wide smile spread across Lexa’s face at how ‘Clarke’ the response was.

**Clarke: 10-4.**

 

 

_“Lex?” she heard Clarke’s voice call out._

_She heard the door to the apartment click shut and heard steps approach the couch. She struggled to sit up, alcohol making her movements clumsy._ _Clarke walked around the couch and met Lexa’s eyes in a stare she returned defiantly, ignoring the hum in her chest that longed to blurt out that she was glad to see Clarke._

_She was always glad to see Clarke, even when she wasn’t._

_She shook her head to clear the contradiction of her feelings and watched Clarke mutely._

_“Oh Lex.” Clarke uttered softly, too softly._

_And Lexa was ready to give up on her stupid game of pride right there. But the softness in Clarke’s eyes turned hard and her next words were sharp. “You’re drunk.”_

_“Yup.”_

_“We talked about this yesterday, no more.”_

_“You talked, I listened. If you want to quit, quit.”_

_“And you?” Clarke rasped, folding her arms in front of herself defensively._

_“I do what I want. After all, I have no job paying for my therapy. I also have no goals, in case you didn’t know.” Lexa spat back, pulling herself to a sitting position and running a hand through her tangled tresses._

_“Would you let that comment go? You told me I wasn’t cut out to be a cop!”_

_“It’s not the same. And you know I was just saying that to be mean. I’ve always been your biggest supporter and you know that.”_

_Clarke rushed forward and sat on the couch facing Lexa, “Likewise, Lexa. Likewise.”_

_But Lexa was dizzy from Clarke’s proximity and still hurt by her words and she shook her head with finality. “It’s not the same.”_

 

 

“You’re vibrating.” Anya said, stoically as she served up scrambled eggs in a plate and handed it to Lexa.

The sun was streaming through the blinds of the kitchen window and Lexa sighed at how perfect the morning seemed. She sat back in the small chair at the makeshift table, plate in hand, and watched her sister put her own portion of the eggs on her own plate that was hovering dangerously on the edge of the counter.

“You’re going to lose your eggs.” Lexa stated as she started to eat her own. Anya grunted in response and nudged the plate slightly towards safety before she put down the frying pan and turned to stare accusingly at Lexa.

“Why are you vibrating?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, sister.”

Anya narrowed her eyes and approached Lexa menacingly. “You’re practically bouncing off the walls. What’s so exciting?”

Lexa tried and failed miserably in her effort to keep the eagerness out of her voice, “Clarke!”

“Clarke?”

“The one and only.” Lexa confirmed around a bite of her eggs.

Anya frowned momentarily before she turned back to the counter and grabbed her plated eggs as well as toast that had gone cold by now, from the toaster. She slowly sat down opposite Lexa, food in hand and began eating in the meticulous yet lazy way she always did.

“What about Clarke has you so excited Lexa?” She asked calmly.

Lexa set down her fork and watched Anya carefully for her reaction. She cared what her sister thought and she wanted her support in this.

“Clarke texted me, said that she couldn’t stop thinking about me and wants to hear me out.”

Anya raised an eyebrow but remained focused on her breakfast, “Wow.”

“Yeah.” Lexa took a deep breath, “So we’re doing brunch on Saturday.” 

Anya stopped eating for a moment and looked at Lexa before reaching a hand out that Lexa took. “You nervous?”

“So nervous.”

“I’m happy for you, you know?”

“Really? You? Biggest enemy of Clarke?”

“I never hated her, I just hated the way she handled it and that you took the blame for everything.”

“You’re a bit biased, you know?”

“Not a bit, Lexa. I’m one hundred percent biased.” Lexa squeezed her hand for a moment before she released it and mirrored Anya’s movements in resuming eating.  

“So..” Lexa ventured mischievously, “Only a hundred percent biased? Can’t crack a one hundred and ten with you?”

Anya scoffed before she responded, “Maybe if you were more worthy.”

And Lexa laughed and laughed because she knew her sister had her back the way she always did.

 

 

_“Lexa.”_

_Lexa opened one eye to see Clarke swimming into her vision face scrunched into a sneer. “Another productive day on the couch, I see.”_

_“Fuck off.” Lexa mumbled closing her eyes once again and drifting off to sleep._

_She didn’t know how much later she woke up but when she did, Clarke was in front of her cleaning up. She’d left an assortment of bottles on the table just to be spiteful and she could see that Clarke was making quick work of getting rid of them._

_She watched her in a half daze, proud that Clarke seemed to be sticking to her sobriety though completely unwilling to ever admit it._

_She didn’t realize for a second, that Clarke had paused in her actions and was staring a hole into the whisky bottles in her hand. She watched as Clarke looked up to the ceiling and took a deep breath before lifting it to her lips._

_Lexa’s stomach churned._

_Clarke was about to give up all of her work._

_“FOR SHE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW! FOR SHE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW!”_

_Clarke nearly dropped the bottle, startled as she swung around to face Lexa. “Lexa! What the fuck!”_

_Lexa sat up quickly, ignoring her pounding headache, “Just celebrating the fact that you are once again, off the wagon!”_

_Clarke’s eyes widened and she quickly put the bottle down._

_“No! Don’t stop! You were just getting there. Just giving up all of those pesky principles that you suddenly developed overnight.” Lexa ranted as she stood up excitedly._

_“Lexa.”_

_“Just getting off that high high horse and realizing that you’re just like me.”_

_Something in Clarke snapped in that moment, just as Lexa knew it would. She approached Lexa with a finger raised to point at her. Lexa stumbled back, legs hitting the couch before she fell back into it._

_Clarke came closer and closer._

_“I’m not like you Lexa. I’ll never be like you.”_

_Before Lexa could process the words, Clarke had stormed out of the apartment. And all Lexa could do was sit back and sigh, her feelings doing a dance somewhere between relieved and hurt._

 

 

“Spanner.” Raven’s voice demanded underneath the car in her garage. 

Lexa swiveled on the stool toward the tool box and grabbed the requested item before walking over and putting it in Raven’s outstretched arm.

“You know Raven, the point of a day off is to not work.”

“It’s not really work, if you’re passionate about it.”

“I thought that fighting fires was your passion.”

“That too.” Raven grunted as she did God knows what under the vehicle. 

“A woman of many passions.” Lexa stated, amused.

“Latina blood. What can I say?” Raven responded, sliding out from underneath the car and leaning against it. “Besides, extra cash doesn’t hurt.”

“I’m meeting Clarke for brunch on Saturday.”

Raven, who had began sorting through the tools that sat beside her dropped them all with a clatter. “Whoa, warn a girl!” 

“Sorry.” Lexa laughed.

Raven stood up and walked over to Lexa, grabbing a bottle of water from the case in the corner of the garage, before she plopped down on the stool next to her. She slowly unscrewed the cap of the bottle and drank the water down as Lexa watched her. 

“Ole Clarkey finally came around huh? Knew she would when I talked to her last week.” 

“You talked to her? You didn’t say.”

“Well, _you_ didn’t say that you went to see her. Had to find _that_ out from Bellamy.” Raven responded setting the bottle down and swiveling to face Lexa.

“Yeah, sorry. So where did you meet? When?” 

Raven held up a finger, “Bar.” she said and held up a second, “The day after you attacked her at her apartment.” 

Lexa would have rolled her eyes at her second response if she hadn’t been far more concerned about the first.

“Bar?” 

“Yup, you know, Polis Bar.” 

“She drinks?” Lexa asked softly.

“Barely. Actually, I walked in on her refusing a beer from some jackass.” Raven reassured. 

“She drinks.” Lexa stated in disbelief.

“Hey, did you miss the part about her refusing a beer. That’s not typical Clarke behavior. She’s come a long way. Trust me on this. I know.”

“It’s just hard for me to wrap my head around it.” Lexa said, staring into space and shaking her head.

“Hey, she got to the point where one beer doesn’t mean ten, you can get there too.”

“I don’t want to risk it.”

“That’s okay too.”

“I made her the way she was.” Lexa realized.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, how do you get from one beer to you made her the way she was?”

“I mean, think about it..” 

“No, no. Your logic is dumb. You’re dumb.”

“Gee.”

“You both need to stop with the self-blame and talk like the adults you are on Saturday.” Raven instructed before she stood up and walked over to look at the car’s engine.

“She blames herself?”

“Yup.” Raven responded cheerily as she turned to lean against the edge of the bonnet, “But certainly not as much as you do.”

Lexa nodded, even more nervous than before about Saturday and tried to ignore it with a subject change, “Why are you so happy this week?”

“Can’t a girl be excited about her friends fixing their shit.”

“I literally just told you that Clarke and I were going to meet. You’ve been happier all week.” 

Raven smiled twirling around before she stopped and trained her eyes on Lexa. “Ok.” she said as she walked over, grabbed a piece of cloth off the table, and unsuccessfully wiped her hands clean, “So there is something. You’re the first person I’m telling.”

“Telling wha..” Lexa trailed off as she watched Raven turn around and tug a necklace from underneath her coverall.

“Finn proposed?” Lexa breathed out excitedly. 

Raven smiled wide as she eyed the ring that hung off the necklace, “Yeah. Yeah he did, Lex.”

Lexa was up and had her arms around Raven before she could say anything else.

“Congratulations! Oh my God! Congratulations!”

“I’m so happy Lex! I’m so happy. We’ve been together forever and I have no doubt that we’ll always be together and I’m so excited for that.”

Lexa pulled back and saw the pure joy in her friends face and couldn’t help but tease her, “I didn’t even think people who’d been together as long as you have knew what the word excitement meant.”

“Oh believe me, Lexa, we know all about excitement.”

Lexa mimed gagging and pulled away from Raven. 

“Oh no you don’t!” Raven cried holding onto her tightly, “Feel the love Lexa, feel the love!”

“No! No!” Lexa laughed, still struggling to get away.

When the fits of giggling finally subsided and the two ladies were back on their respective stools, out of breath and giddy, Lexa turned to Raven who was engrossed by her ring.

“You’re gonna be a Mrs.” 

Raven smiled wider and turned towards Lexa, nodding, “Yeah. Yeah I am.”

 

 

_“You’re cheerful.” Lexa observed from the armchair, eyes trained on the TV as Clarke breezed around the room cleaning up this and that._

_Clarke had come home an hour prior, full of energy, to find a mute, drunk, Lexa flipping aimlessly through the channels. Lexa said nothing to her, wondering when it had become so hard to talk to her and Clarke had returned the favour._

_But the silence had eaten away at her and her stomach had threatened to empty its contents if she didn’t say something to her._

_So she spoke._

_Clarke froze at her words for a moment before she abandoned her task and walked in front of Lexa blocking the view of the forgotten TV._

_Lexa met her eyes, her blue blue eyes, though her heart threatened to give out._

_“I am cheerful. Not every day I can celebrate being one month sober.”_

_“Congratulations.” Lexa muttered not breaking eye contact._

_Her words, though said venomously, were honest. Clarke was one month sober. One month closer to getting her job back. And Lexa was truly happy for her._

_“I wish you meant it.” Clarke said bitterly, and Lexa felt like a dagger had been cleanly pressed through her abdomen._

_She took a quick breath to recover, before she turned away and made a show of craning her neck to see the TV._

_“I wish I meant it too.”_

_Caught up in her pretense at interest in the TV, she missed the devastation on Clarke’s face. The clench of her jaw. The flare of her nostrils. And the moisture that threatened to leak from her blue blue eyes._

 

 

“It feels like I’ve been having this conversation all day. Probably because I have. As you all know, I went to see Clarke last week.” Lexa said drawing circles with her feet on the ground. She took a deep breath and straightened, facing her group.

“So she texted last night, or this morning rather. Said she wants to hear me out. And we worked out a brunch.” She paused for a moment nodding to herself.

“Am I nervous? Hell yeah. Am I excited? Hell yeah. I have hope, you see. I think that we’ve had time apart and we’ve both been working on our problems and I’m so excited to see where that leaves us. Because I want her in my life. We’d make good friends, I think. And I know I’m selfish for wanting that, but if she’s happy and healthy _and_ I can have her in my life, then I’m fine. So fine. Better than fine. Great.”

 

 

_Lexa sat nervously on the couch foot tapping away as she eyed the clock on the wall. The clock informed her that it was 4.22._

_The clock was wrong._

_It had always been ten minutes fast. But the extra ten minutes she had did nothing to ease her nerves. She knew Clarke would be home in an hour or two._

_Clarke spent the majority of her day avoiding coming home and Lexa was well aware of that.  Lexa knew that Clarke’s meetings and therapy only took up a few hours in her day. Lexa knew that Clarke managed to fill the rest of her day by helping out with Monty and Jasper’s daycare or by volunteering at the soup kitchen._

_Anything to keep her away from home._

_Lexa also knew that the hours that Clarke desperately avoided were the hours that she probably shouldn’t have._

_Because Lexa was always sober until the impending arrival of Clarke became too much to bear._

_She didn’t know how things had gotten so bad._

_Clarke was her girl._

_Her endgame._

_And she couldn’t even look at her while sober._

_She glanced at the clock again._

_Fuck._

_It was actually 4.22 now._

_So Lexa did what she always did when she was panicked. She dropped to the floor and reached under the couch, or rather her bed for the past month and change, for her trusty bottle._

_It was an unoriginal hiding place, but Clarke never got anywhere near the couch anymore so it served its purpose._

_When the sharp burn of the cheap tequila hit her tongue and made its way down her throat before steeling her veins, she sat back and tried to ignore the fact that she viewed Clarke as war and alcohol, the armour she needed to face her._

 

 

Lexa was up before her alarm rang. Truth be told, she hadn’t slept a wink.

She had gone to Clarke’s apartment the previous week on a whim. She had been walking down the street on her way home early from the restaurant when the idea had struck her. She’d taken no time to think about it and had rushed over to Clarke’s apartment and it wasn’t until she sat on the floor against the door, that the enormity of the moment hit her.

She’s been scared then. But now she was excited.

The anticipation that had built up over the last few days had been killing her and even now her heart was beating wildly. The alarm on her bedside or rather mattress-side table rang out and she reached up to turn it off eagerly.

9.00am.

She was due to meet Clarke in two hours and she knew she could kill that time easily, by getting ready. But by the time 9.30 rolled around she was already showered, dressed, and fed and she sat idly at the kitchen table with an hour to spare before she had to leave the house.

She watched as Anya walked into the kitchen, half asleep and grabbed a piece of the French Toast that Lexa had left out for her before she returned to her room throwing a casual, “You’re pathetic.” over her shoulder.

Lexa agreed.

Her text tone rang out and she nearly dropped her phone in excitement before she realized it was Bellamy.

**Bellamy: HOLY SHIT! RAVEN JUST TOLD ME!**

Another ding.

**Bellamy: I CALL DIBS ON MAID OF HONOUR!**

Lexa laughed out loud at his excitement. A third and fourth ding quickly rang out.

**Bellamy: Also, Holy shit! I’m totally rooting for you today. Kick some ass, Commander!**

**Bellamy: Not literally though, cause Clarke probably wouldn’t appreciate that.**

Lexa grinned widely at the sentiment, glad that Bellamy was her friend, and texted him to let him know that before she spotted the time on the phone.

9.37am.

Damn.

She had fifty three minutes to kill.

And kill them she did.

Excruciatingly slowly.

She sat there, unable to do anything but wait until finally it was 10.30am and she got up with a sigh of relief.

“I’m out!” she called out to Anya as she opened the door to leave.

There was a thump and then Anya slid into the room on her socks, nearly knocking over Lexa with a hug. “You’ll be fine, loser.” she said, pulling back with a smile before she walked back into her room, “Also don’t forget to pick up milk from the store.”

“I love you too.” Lexa called back before she took a deep breath and walked out.

The walk to the café was nice. And Lexa did her best to enjoy it despite her nerves.

She tried to enjoy the way the wind lightly picked up and died down, rustling leaves in its indecisiveness.

She tried to enjoy the children dragging their parent’s hands excitedly in the park she walked by.

She tried to enjoy the warmth of the sun on her body that was a perfect match for the cool of the light wind.

And she did enjoy all of it. But her enjoyment was limited and she didn’t have an opportunity to fix that because she had arrived at the café.

She walked in and quickly found a seat by the window, telling the waitress, Monroe, according to her green nametag, to hold off as she was waiting for someone. She glanced at her phone.

10.41am.

So she waited.

 

 

" _What’s up boozy?”_

_"Fuck off, Clarke.”_

 

“Lexa.”

Lexa looked up at that rasp, heart slamming wildly in her chest.

That rasp of her name.

Oh God.

She’d been playing with her hands and hadn’t realized Clarke had walked in.

And she was standing right in front of her.

And she was beautiful.

And Lexa felt like she couldn’t breathe but she managed to choke out Clarke’s name and was rewarded with a smiled so blinding, it knocked her over. She covered by quickly standing up, the violence of the movement causing her chair to wobble, and walking over to pull Clarke’s chair out while gesturing exaggeratedly for her to sit.

Clarke laughed as she took the seat and the musicality of her laugh made Lexa’s chest swell. She quickly returned to her seat and sat down facing her. They were quiet for a moment before Clarke broke the silence.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” Clarke whispered.

Lexa was too stunned to say anything in response as she took in Clarke’s face. Her windswept blonde tresses and her eyes that were bluer than ever.

“So _fucking_ beautiful.” Clarke repeated eyes scanning Lexa’s face.

Lexa couldn’t believe the words. They sent her heart beating away regardless and a deep flush overtook her cheeks.

She watched as Clarke’s expression changed and she suddenly sat up and cleared her throat.

“Lexa, I’m sorry that was inapp..” she said, flustered..

“No, no, it’s..” Lexa interrupted her equally flustered.

“Can I get y’all anything to drink?”

“Oh umm..” Lexa startled, not realizing the waitress, Monroe, had walked back over.

Clarke recovered quicker than Lexa did, “Can we get two waters for now?” she asked sweetly, “Unless?” she asked glancing over at Lexa.

Lexa held up her hands briefly, still in a haze, “No, yeah, that’s fine.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back with those.” Monroe said flashing a smile.

“I’m so sorry.” Clarke said, putting both palms on the table and leaning in.

Lexa shook her head, “It’s fine.”

“It’s not really, it’s just been so long and when I saw you last week I felt all these things.”

“I know. It’s fine, really.” Lexa placated.

They regarded each other silently for a minute before Monroe returned with their drinks.

“Would you like to place an order?”

“Can you give us a minute please?” Lexa asked, eyes never leaving Clarke’s.

“Of course.” came the chipper reply.

The table fell silent once more and they simply watched it other.

“I need you to know that I didn’t mean it.” Clarke said finally.

“Mean what?”

“Anything really, the day you left.”

“That’s okay.”

“It’s not. It’s really not Lexa.”

“I said some things too.”

“Yeah.” Clarke responded morosely before they both relapsed into silence.

“You’re sober.” Clarke stated, though it was more of a cautious question.

“Yes.” Lexa said matter of fact.

“How long now?”

“Only 9 months.”

“Lexa that’s not an only. That’s incredible.” Clarke said sincerely dipping her head slowly to meet Lexa’s downcast eyes.

“How did you get there?” Clarke asked curiously.

“Blood, sweat, tears, Raven, Anya, Bellamy, Silvia and the ladies at the group, realizing that I’d worked so hard to achieve  the things I had and I couldn’t throw it all away, realizing that I’d found the most incredible woman in the world and lost her this.” Lexa answered, more honest than she’d ever been.

She watched Clarke’s eyes widen before she blushed and cleared her throat. “It takes a village huh?”

“That it does.” Lexa agreed.

They fell into a comfortable silence that Lexa broke.

 “I hear you drink.” she said, afraid of meeting Clarke’s eyes.

Lexa heard her sigh and saw her lean back in her chair out of the corner of her eye.

“Raven?”

Lexa nodded.

“Yeah. I hit the year mark of sobriety a little over a month ago.”

Lexa looked up at that.

“It was a big deal but it felt kinda false to me. I talked it over with my therapist and pretty much everyone and their mother and decided to try. Could have been a disaster but I had a feeling it wouldn’t be. I was a heavy drinker for sure and there’s a really fine line, but I wouldn’t say that I was ever an alcoholic.”

“Like me.” Lexa finished without prompting. 

Clarke looked down at the table cloth at her words, “No, not like you.”

Lexa didn’t know if it should have hurt but it didn’t.

She appreciated the honestly.

“I don’t think I could ever get to that point.” Lexa confessed.

Clarke shrugged, unfazed, “Everyone’s different.”

“Are you working at a restaurant?” Clarke ventured after another round of silence.

That hurt.

It hurt that Clarke didn’t know.

“Head chef at Trikru.” Lexa said quietly.

“No fucking way! Really! I just had dinner there last week!”

“What’d you have?”

Clarke laughed, “The Teriyaki Salmon.”

“That’s one of my favourites on my menu.”

Clarke looked positively overjoyed, “It was so good Lex, babe! So good!”

Her face suddenly fell at her own words.

“It’s okay..” Lexa started.

“I have no right to call you babe. I don’t know shit about your life.”

“Well I don’t know everything that’s going on in yours, so we have plenty to talk about.” Lexa said optimistically.

"You know a lot more than I do. I gave up on you.”

“Clarke.”

“No listen to me Lex, I know I said I’d hear you out but I’ve been mulling over this.”

Lexa remained quiet to let Clarke finish. She watched Clarke take a deep breath and a swig of her water before she spoke again.

“I didn’t think you would get better.”

Lexa didn’t know what she had expected but it certainly wasn’t that.

“Really I didn’t” Clarke continued, “Our last fight was entirely selfish on my part. I was trying to make you leave..”

“Clarke..”

“Lexa no, listen. I was trying to get you to leave. Because I was selfish. I didn’t think you would get better at all. And I didn’t think _I_ would get better unless you were gone. So..”

“I left of my own volition.”

“What choice did you really have after that last fight? How could we have fixed that? Lexa, not only did I essentially kick you out with how horrible I was, but I also never made sure you were okay. I mean I had a general idea from the bits and pieces I got from Raven and Bellamy...”

“Okay, Clarke stop.”

“No but…”

“Hey! It is my turn to speak.” Clarke smiled at her assertiveness and let her continue.

“You were trying to get sober and never once did I facilitate that. You had to come home every day and deal with me after working hard to get better." she paused and took a breath.

"So you didn’t help me when I was going through it. That’s true. But I never helped you either. If anything, we’re both the bad guy.”

“Lexa, you’d been drinking since..”

“Don’t make excuses for me Clarke. I knew exactly what I was doing. And I couldn’t have overcome it myself, that much I know. But I also know I never tried.”

“Lexa.”

“We’re changing the subject.” Lexa said firmly and Clarke broke out in a grin.

“Yes Commander.”

And Lexa blushed at the nickname. And true to her command, they ordered food and ate as they talked about their lives now and caught each other up as best as they could. And it was strange, and light but most importantly it was right.

It felt normal to Lexa. And she could imagine many more interactions like this.

And it felt good.

“I have to go.” Clarke said regretfully, “I have some asking around to do on this case.”

“No worries, I’ll have to leave for work soon.” Lexa responded and they both stood up cautiously.

Instantly it seemed like the awkwardness was back.

“Well..” Clarke started.

“Uh..” Lexa began.

“This is silly.” Clarke decided and she walked directly to Lexa and pulled her into a hug.

Lexa fell into it immediately and gripped the blonde against her tightly.

She honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d hugged Clarke.

It was long overdue and she almost sobbed in relief.

She turned her head just as Clarke did and they burrowed into each other’s necks and breathed each other in.

It was warm and tentative and soft and intimate. And Lexa didn’t want to leave.

She honestly didn’t know who let go but they were still clutching at each other’s arms when they pulled back.

“I missed you so much.” Clarke breathed, eyes wet.

“I missed _you_ so much.” Lexa croaked out. 

Clarke nodded at her words and let go of Lexa before she retreated towards the door.

“I’ll see you?” she asked.

“You will.”

 

 

_“Good morning, Wino! Are you thinking of maybe being productive today?”_

_Lexa rolled her eyes at Clarke’s greeting as she sat watching the morning news on the muted TV. Clarke had always liked fun nicknames but when it came to Lexa these days, the nicknames leaned more towards cruel._

_“I don’t really drink wine. Also, I’m not homeless.” Lexa called out over the sound of Clarke bustling in the kitchen._

_The reply was quiet, and Lexa didn’t know if Clarke meant for her to hear it._

_“Not homeless yet.”_

_Clarke probably meant for Lexa to hear it._

_And hear it she did, but she pretended she didn’t._

_“What?” Lexa called out._

_She heard Clarke move closer to her and when she spoke, Lexa realized she was right behind the couch._

_“I said that Wino was really more of a suggestion. You know, widen the selection of alcohol you use to be a waste of space.”_

_Lexa really wished she could pretend she hadn’t heard that._

_Honestly, she wished she hadn’t actually heard it._

_Because it hurt._

_So badly._

_It took her everything she had not to curl up in a fetal position and cry. She stood up instead, repulsed by Clarke’s words and the bitterness in their tone, and darted towards the TV to create space between them._

_They stood on opposite sides of the living room then, couch and a trail of blankets Lexa dropped in her escape between them. And yet, Lexa still felt suffocated._

_“You know I was talking to Octavia yesterday...” Clarke started, “Which is a pretty big deal for me. It’s only like the third time I’ve talked to her since everything. She was happy that I was making progress and we had a really great conversation.”_

_“Good for you.” Lexa managed, still stuck on Clarke’s previous words._

_Waste of space._

_Clarke nodded, “Great for me. So then, you came up. She asked about you. How you were doing? And what could I say? That you were doing great? That you weren’t killing yourself?”_

_Lexa looked down, helpless, having a fairly good idea of where this conversation was going._

_“But she knew, same as the last two times we talked. She knew just how you were doing. She gave me some advice. I didn’t want to listen to it. And then I came home. And here you were as always. And you were excited. Just had a job interview. Great! I was so excited for you!”_

_Clarke walked around the couch and closer to Lexa trying to meet her eyes._

_“Do you remember our conversation Lexa? Do you remember anything at all about yesterday?”_

_Lexa kept backing up until she was right up against the TV but Clarke didn’t follow._

_“Here I am so excited for you until you tell the story. How you were so wasted you couldn’t even prepare the meal the owner asked you to. And you’re telling this story like it’s a point of fucking pride.”_

_Clarke paused and cocked her head, “Lexa, are you even trying?”_

_And Lexa didn’t know how to answer that._

_She’d had four interviews since she lost her job. All fantastic restaurants. All eager to have her when they saw her experience. All not so eager anymore when they saw her in person._

_“Lexa. I asked you a question.”_

_Lexa remained quiet._

_“So your adoptive parents were shit.”_

_“Clarke don’t.” Lexa said, finally reacting._

_“So Anya was gone off to war and you had nothing.”_

_"Clarke!”_

_“So your parents got even worse when she left and all you had was your shitty friends and Jim Beam.”_

_“Stop! Clarke!"_

_“Boo hoo.” Clarke said tone softening._

_Lexa met her eyes before Clarke spoke again, “Cry me a fucking river, Lexa.”_

_“I’m sorry we can’t all be perfect, Princess Clarke.”_

_“Shut up.”_

_“We can’t all have big mansions and mothers who are fancy neurosurgeons and dads who are engineers.”_

_“Lexa, leave it.”_

_“We can’t all have dads who were there for us so that when they died, we actually cared.”_

_Lexa knew she’d gone too far._

_She knew she’d crossed the line._

_There was so much bitterness between them that these toxic words spilled easier and easier from their mouths._

_Clarke was quiet for a moment._

_Lexa longed to fill the silence with an apology but she couldn’t think of one that could make up for what she said let alone how she’d been acting._

_So she was quiet too._

_“Look at you.” Clarke said lowly, “No really, look at you. You’re pathetic.”_

_She laughed humourlessly and shook her head, “You really are the worst thing to happen to me.”_

_And when Lexa looked into her eyes, she believed it._

_Believed it all._

_Clarke’s eyes were cold and hard and her tone was flat and Lexa believed her words._

_She was so struck by her feeling of self-loathing, that she hardly realized that Clarke was walking out of the door._

_She watched Clarke pause halfway into the hallway not looking back, “If you need me I’ll be busy trying to better myself and not be a complete waste of a life.”_

_And so Lexa left._

_Within a few hours of Clarke’s departure, she’d grabbed all of her stuff from the apartment and transferred it to her friend, Gustus’ truck._

_She cut her losses and left the big stuff: shared furniture, electronics, kitchenware._

_She didn’t need it._

_She didn’t want it._

_And when she hopped into the truck and Gustus started driving, she finally started to cry._

_He remained quiet and she was grateful for that. He was quiet and caring. The only reason she made it home on nights she went out drinking. The only reason she stopped drinking at all on those nights._

_He sat in his truck patiently as Lexa stood outside of Anya’s apartment._

_She knocked._

_“Just for a couple of days.” she blurted out when the door swung open and her frowning sister was revealed._

_It was a haze from there. Anya and Gustus moved her things into the apartment that was full of boxes as she sat morosely, feeling miserable and guilty for burdening Anya._

_“I’m sorry.” Lexa said finally, her first coherent words in hours as Anya walked towards her from the kitchen, where she’d taken a call, and handed her a cup of tea._

_“What for?” Anya asked as she sat on one of the boxes and took a sip from her own cup._

_Lexa cradled the cup gently as she spoke, “You’re moving into the duplex at the end of the week and I’m just in your way. I’ll only be a few days. I’ll figure something out and be gone before you move.”_

_Anya shrugged, “It takes the time it takes.”_

_“I’ll be gone.” Lexa swore._

_“Or you can move in with me.”_

_“It’s a one bedroom.”_

_Anya shrugged again, “Take the living room.”_

_“I don’t know. It’ll be temporary if I do.”_

_“Whatever you want. But I can keep an eye on you this way. You need it. Plus can’t hurt with rent either way.”_

_Lexa was silent for a moment, head reeling with thoughts. Two and a half years, she had lived with Clarke. She had never seen herself not living with Clarke._

_“Thank you.” Lexa said softly._

_Anya shrugged again._

_Typical Anya._

_“Who was on the phone by the way?”_

_“No one important.”_

_“Secret girlfriend?” Lexa teased._

_Anya laughed at that, “Definitely not. Don’t think you would be too happy if that were the case.”_

_“And why is that? Is she hideous? Because I only want the best for you Anya.”_

_“Why are you such a sap? So many unnecessary emotions.”_

_Lexa grabbed a stray tennis ball from among the random items that littered the ground between the boxes, and chunked it at Anya. Laughing gleefully as it made contact, she watched Anya stand up in faux anger._

_“You have no idea what forces you have unleashed. This is war. And I will win.”_

_Anya was quick, still fit from her time in the army and she had Lexa pinned on the ground in seconds._

_Lexa’s laughter soon gave way to tears and she watched Anya’s blurred figure above her roll off her and drop to the ground pulling Lexa against her._

_“An, I don’t..I can’t..I don’t know if I can be better.”_

_Lexa felt Anya’s hands rubbing her back and heard her soothing voice vibrating through her chest._

_“You can, Lex. You can and you will. And I’m gonna be here for you.”_

 

 

Lexa walked into her house on cloud nine.

Nothing could bring her down.

She couldn’t fathom how well talking to Clarke had gone.

She could still smell Clarke’s faint perfume on herself.

Could still feel the warmth of her arms.

She walked right into Anya’s room with little fanfare and collapsed on her bed.

“Well, you’re not crying.” Anya observed from her position against the headboard, typing away at her laptop.

Lexa smiled into the bed before she shimmied her way up the bed and wrapped her arms around Anya’s legs.

“Release me this instant, you fucking raccoon.”

“No!” Lexa exclaimed nuzzling her face into the pajama bottom fabric around Anya’s legs.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“So it went well?”

“It went great. So great. She hugged me Anya.”

“Maybe one day you’ll get to first base.” Anya said dryly. “So did you hug for hours or did you actually talk?”

“We talked.”

“And?”

“It was progress.”

“I’m glad.”

“Me too, Anya, I’m really happy.”

"Did you get milk?"

"Fuck, I forgot!"

"I knew you would. I got some."

Lexa hummed gratefully in response.

“Don’t you have an elsewhere to be?”

“No.”

“No job you could be going to?”

“Oh shit.” Lexa mumbled, voice muffled, “Gotta go!” she exclaimed hopping out of Anya’s bed and dashing to her room to change.

“You’re welcome!” she heard Anya call out.

 

 

_It had been weeks and she hadn’t heard from Clarke._

_Not a call, not a text, not a snap._

_Nothing._

_She couldn’t take the temptation to talk to her._

_So she changed her number._

_Removed her from social media._

_Cut all her ties._

_It felt immature and it didn’t make her feel better._

_She lay on her mattress, slightly tipsy and depressed and in no mood to answer the door. She wished Anya were there to answer it but then again if she was, Lexa wouldn’t be drinking._

_The knocking on the door was insistent and annoying and it was enough to get her to stand up. She walked towards the kitchen door, which was their ‘front door’ as Lexa had turned the living room into a bedroom, and swung it open._

_She was stunned._

_“Raven Reyes.”_

_“You’re drunk.”_

_Lexa groaned at the woman’s words, “You’re giving me Clarke flashbacks.”_

_“Come on.” Raven responded simply, grabbing Lexa’s hand and pulling her outside._

_“I’m not dressed.”_

_“Come on.”_

_“My keys.” Lexa insisted gesturing to the door._

_Raven let Lexa walk back in to the house to get her keys, following her closely._

_“What am I? A prisoner?”_

_“Come on.”_

_Raven was stubborn and Lexa was unable to fight her on this._

_So she followed._

_Out of the door. Into her truck. And a short distance away to a conference building._

_When Lexa first walked into the room, she was struck by realization of what it was and she started to turn around._

_But Raven stood firm behind her._

_And so she found herself in a seat, listening._

_All women._

_She was amazed._

_After the meeting Raven introduced her to an old greying firecracker of a woman._

_“This is Silvia.” Raven stated, “She knew my mom.”_

_And just like that Lexa understood._

_They had been friends but she was always Clarke’s friend more than Lexa’s._

_Lexa hadn’t expected her to be there for her._

_But she understood. And she was so so grateful._

_And Raven was there to take her on the days she was off. And Anya covered the rest. And then Lexa took herself._

_And she was so so grateful._

_Bellamy was even more of a surprise than Raven was._

_She got a text one day._

**_Unknown Number: Wanna catch a baseball game with me?_ **

_She didn’t have many contacts on her new phone  and not many people had her new number._

**_Unknown Number: This is Bellamy, by the way. Got a couple of tickets from a client. Please say yes._ **

_When she managed to recover enough from the shock, she did say yes._

_She was surprised that it wasn’t awkward._

_It was fun._

_He was his typical self and they got right back into the sports arguments they always had._

_Lexa didn’t understand._

_But she was so so grateful._

 

 

A tired Lexa got home late from work to a dark house. Taking her clothes off along the way she stumbled clumsily towards her bedroom and fell onto her mattress. Not five minutes into dozing off, she heard the familiar sound of her text tone and she grabbed her phone excitedly.

**Clarke: I’m so glad I saw you today Lex. I wish we’d done that sooner. We should definitely do it again. I miss you already.**


	5. You gotta believe me, I'm doing my best.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Were you looking for reassurance?”
> 
> “I guess.” Clarke answered not actually sure why she was here now that she was asked.
> 
> “It’s easy to say what people should or shouldn’t do when you’re not in their position.”
> 
> Clarke fiddled with her fingers but was unable to come up with a response to his words.
> 
> “Do you think you’re recovered?”
> 
> “I’m better.”
> 
> “That’s not the same thing.”
> 
> “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took while to get this out and it ended up being way longer than I expected. It was a tough write and the episode that shall not be named certainly didn't make it easy to finish this. But I will finish this fic. For those reeling like I still am, no worries this story has hope. Actual hope, not baiting hope. It won't be immediate. These two goobers and their friends have some ground to cover but we'll get there. Also, bonus, no one dies. Hooray!
> 
> As always, come say hi to me on [my tumblr](http://sovereignchicken.tumblr.com/) or ask me questions about this fic, any upcoming fics, the mess that is the show, or even what I think the meaning of life is.
> 
> Also as always, please feel free to leave me comments. I live off them:) Love you all. Stay strong. Stay wonderful.

_Clarke trudged reluctantly down the carpeted hallway she walked down every day, wanting nothing more in that moment than to turn around and leave the apartment building. She stopped, eyes on the door ahead of her before she did turn around to face the exit._

_She turned around again to face the door._

_She sighed out in frustration, “This is silly.”_

_It was her apartment and there should be no reason that she couldn’t go home after a long day._

_Lexa._

_The name rang out in her thoughts and she fidgeted nervously._

_This fight had been bad. Usually they fought and one of them ended the fight before it got too heated._

_But this one.._

_She didn’t know if she could fix the damage her words had done._

_Maybe she didn’t want to._

_No._

_She did._

_She did._

_Didn’t she?_

_Yes she did._

_She had to._

_This was Lexa. And despite everything, she loved Lexa. And Lexa loved her. That much she knew. That had to stand for something._

_As she stood thinking in her hallway, a neighbor she had never talked to huffed exaggeratedly as he ambled around her. She watched him advance on his own door and unlock it with a disapproving glance at her before walking in._

_Easy._

_That’s all she had to do._

_Walk in._

_Ignoring the nagging voice in her head that kept saying it would be better if Lexa were gone, she mentally rehearsed what she was going to say._

_‘Lexa, let’s not do this anymore..’_

_‘Lexa, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep fighting..’_

_‘Lexa,I love you..’_

_‘Lexa, I’m sorry..’_

_‘Lexa, hear me out..’_

_‘Lexa, eat me out..’_

_“Maybe not the last one.” Clarke muttered to herself dryly as she watched the door._

_She took a deep breath, walked to the door, unlocked it, and swung it open._

_She walked cautiously into the apartment half expecting Lexa to swing at her with a frying pan or something._

_As soon as she saw the empty couch though, she knew. She walked into and out of every room despite the knowledge._

_Lexa's toothbrush was gone and Clarke’s sat forlornly by itself._

_Her clothes were gone with the exception of the ones that had become Clarke’s over time._

_Her books were gone leaving holes in the genre-organized bookcase that now only held Clarke’s books._

_Her stamp collection that Clarke endlessly made fun of her for was gone._

_But._

_Her armchair that she hauled across town to Clarke’s amusement from a garage sale was here._

_Her gaudy painting that she bought and pretended to love just to irk Clarke was here._

_Her knife that she cut herself on while trying to both beat Clarke at Jeopardy and cook was here._

_But._

_She was gone._

_Clarke stood numbly in the middle of the apartment and slowly turned in a circle._

_The couch caught her eye and she made a desperate dash to it._

_Clarke knew Lexa kept her stash underneath the couch as she was painfully obvious about it._

_She knelt down and reached out._

_Gone._

_Strangely enough, this more than anything was the tipping point. She collapsed into a series of loud sobs and tears flooded her eyes and fell to the floor._

_Lexa was gone. Lexa was gone. Lexa was gone._

_She was unsure of how many minutes or hours had passed when she finally sat up. She pulled her phone out of her pocket, full of intent and worry and dialed. The rings felt endless and Clarke worried more with each._

_“You have two seconds.” The harsh voice came through._

_“Is she okay?” Clarke blurted out desperately._

_“She’s alive and she’s not in any immediate danger.”_

_“Anya, I..” Clarke stopped mid-plea, realizing that Anya had hung up._

_She sat on her haunches, phone in hand, numbly thinking but not really gaining any traction with her thoughts. Her thoughts were disjointed and disorganized and there was no sense to be made of them._

_So she willed herself not think of anything but her basic tasks._

_She put up her coat and tried not to think of who bought it for her._

_She heated up some leftovers and tried not to think of who cooked them._

_She got into bed and tried not to think of the now faint smell of the girl who hadn’t slept there in months._

_But she did and she did and she did._

_And when she woke up the next morning, the quiet in the apartment made her stomach feel empty._

_But she had therapy later and she was going to stop by the station to talk to Octavia._

_And despite her inability to catch a full breath, she felt like this was all for the best._

 

 

Clarke hadn’t been able to wipe the smile off her face since seeing Lexa earlier.

Even her lead, who had sent her on a wild goose chase hadn’t put a dent in her smile. The only thing that came close to talking her joy away was the churn in her gut that told her that they shouldn’t have waited this long to talk.

But the wait was over regardless and as such, she had a smile on her face.

She grabbed her phone off the bedside table and shot a text off to Lexa telling her she was glad for the meeting and that she missed her. It felt crazy to miss her company already but to be fair they had almost a year’s worth of catching up to do. Her phone lit up with Lexa’s reply.

**Lexa: I miss you too, you silly goon.**

Clarke grinned at the familiarity and quickly typed out a reply per their routine.

**Clarke: Umm..don’t call me goon! You little spoon.**

**Lexa: If I recall correctly, you have, on more than one occasion, harassed me to let you be the little spoon, you crazy cartoon.**

Clarke gasped at her audacity. That was only once or twice or thrice..it hardly counted.

**Clarke: Only cause I’m always the big spoon and I want a break sometimes, you obnoxious balloon.**

**Lexa: Unfortunately I’m too tired to argue this and beat you easily so I’m going to sleep for as long as I can. But I’ll definitely see you soon.**

Clarke laughed imagining how exhausted Lexa must be after a long night in the kitchen, but her competitive nature wouldn’t let this go.

**Clarke: You could have at least ended it properly! Soon doesn’t count as name calling!**

**Lexa: Goodnight moon.**

Clarke groaned.

**Clarke: Lexaaa noo.**

**Lexa: ;)**

**Clarke: You will definitely see me soon. Goodnight loon.**

Clarke sent off the last text with a wide smile and put her phone back on her bedside table before she snuggled into her sheets, kept warm by one of Lexa’s former or rather Lexa’s-stolen-by-Clarke shirts.

 

 

_“Hey, Blake.” Clarke greeted casually as she walked up to Octavia’s desk._

_The casual greeting was hard._

_Both because she could feel the eyes of the other officers on her as she stood there, and because things with Octavia were better but not where they used to be._

_Octavia looked up from the file she was perusing and leaned back in her chair it on her desk. “Hey, yourself. Have a seat.”_

_Clarke sat down uncomfortably on the seat seeing her former desk just beside her in her periphery and it struck her painfully all at once how different everything was._

_“Anything interesting?” Clarke ventured._

_“Paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork.”_

_“Well, you know what they say, Octogenarian. Paperwork is what catches the criminals.”_

_Octavia shifted uncomfortably at the nickname._

_“Sorry.” Clarke muttered, “I overstepped.”_

_Blake shook her head and adjusted herself in her chair causing it to creak. “No it’s just..” she sighed. “It’s better and you’re making progress and I’ve been talking to a lot of people about it and I can see how you got to that point and how you could make such errors in judgment when you got there you know?”_

_Clarke nodded and let her continue._

_“And I know you’re working on it. I’m not supposed to tell you this well.. technically.. Chief wasn’t supposed to tell me this but apparently you’re doing really well. It won’t be long now.”_

_Clarke raised an eyebrow at the information, “Chief is considering..”_

_“Yup.” Blake said casually popping the p. “Look Clarke, I’m proud of how far you’ve come. I think you still have some obstacles in your way but..”_

_“She’s gone.”_

_“What?”_

_Clarke sighed and slid lower in her chair before she repeated her words in a monotone._

_Octavia looked at her in disbelief for a moment before she caught sight of Maya indiscreetly leaning in to listen on the conversation. She nodded at Maya who pretended to suddenly find something interesting on her computer._

_"C’mon.” Octavia gestured standing up and leading her to a bench in the much quieter hallway. “Okay explain.”_

_Clarke sighed as she joined Octavia in sitting down. “Nothing to explain really..I got home, she was gone.”_

_“She left you.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_Blake nodded silently for a second. “Have you tried to call?”_

_“I called Anya and that didn’t go over too well.”_

_“So she’s with Anya?”_

_“Far as I know.”_

_“Can I give you some advice?” Octavia asked leaning in closer to Clarke._

_Clarke sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, “What?”_

_“She’s Anya’s responsibility now. Forget her.”_

_Clarke opened her eyes at that not expecting that. She expected Blake to say that it was for the best and to focus on herself. But to forget Lexa?_

_“What?” Clarke voiced, in confusion._

_“I’m serious Clarke. Forget her. Don’t try to talk to her. Just let her live her life and figure herself out. You don’t owe her anything.”_

_Clarke shook her head now appalled that Octavia could ask this of her._

_“Octavia, I was with her for three years. I can’t just forget her. I get that we need space but I can keep talking to her. Maybe like weekly calls to see how..”_

_“Clarke! Weekly calls are going to be daily calls, are going to be you falling back into a toxic environment with a toxic person.” Blake argued passionately._

_“Octavia, I’m not going to fall back..”_

_“Clarke, were you an alcoholic before you met Lex..”_

_“No, but it wasn’t like it was.. Boom! ‘Hi Lexa, nice to meet you! Glug fucking glug I’m an alcoholic now let’s do a dance..”_

_“I’m not saying that..”_

_“We were together for over two years before it really started to become an issue so you..”_

_“Clarke! Do you want to get back on the force?”_

_“Of course I do! What kind of fucking questi..”_

_“Clarke! Do you want to be my partner again?”_

_Clarke stopped, mind blanking at the question and she felt like her heart had risen into her throat and was choking her._

_“Excuse me Officer Blake, the file you requested.” Gina, the administrative assistant, said handing Octavia a manila folder._

_“Thanks Gina! That was quick.” Blake responded opening the folder and looking over its contents._

_“Sure. No problem.” Gina responded, chipper as she began walking away before she stopped briefly and turned to Clarke, “Good to see you around here again, Officer Griffin.”_

_Clarke nodded mutely in response still stuck on Blake’s question. She turned back to Blake whose attention was held by the file Gina had delivered._

_“Octavia, there’s nothing I want more than to be your partner again.” Clarke rasped lowly._

_Octavia looked up meeting Clarke’s eyes before she put the folder and grabbed Clarke’s fidgeting hand from her lap. “Good. Keep your eye on the prize, avoid distractions, and you and I will be back in business.”_

_“By distractions you mean Lexa.”_

_Octavia shrugged unapologetically and squeezed Clarke’s hands, “She’s not doing you any favours is she?”_

_Clarke’s silence was all the answer Blake needed and she pressed on, “I want to trust you Clarke. I really do. If she’s in the picture, I don’t know if I can.”_

_Clarke stood up then, tired out by the conversation, and started to back away. “Alright Blake, I’ll see you soon.”_

_“I want the best for you Clarke. I always want the best for you. Don’t forget that okay?” Octavia called out._

_“Okay.” Clarke mumbled to herself, “Okay.”_

 

 

“So El Creepo, after sending me all over town on Saturday, finally said that he’s not so sure Keenan was alone, contrary to her story.” Clarke stated distractedly as she sat down placing her feet on Blake’s desk.

“Okay first of all Griffin, get your feet off my desk and show me some respect and second of all, you don’t have to nickname everyone you speak to.” Blake huffed. 

“Something’s off about this Keenan girl.”

“Feet off!” Blake chastised before taking matters into her own hands and shoving Clarke off.

Clarke’s boots landed on the ground with a thump that knocked the wind out of her and she coughed in surprise but on the whole remained unfazed.

“Oh! Oh!” Clarke exclaimed, startling Blake so much she spilled her coffee on herself, “Maybe she’s a keeller and she keelled Mel.”

“Fuck Clarke! I spilled coffee on myself because of you!” Blake growled reaching over her desk to grab Clarke’s collar.

“Whoa there!”

“You lil’ shit! I swear to God..” Blake seethed before she was interrupted.

“Detective Blake! Would you kindly unhand Detective Griffin.”

Blake let go off Clarke’s collar and turned to Chief Jaha in surprise. “Just messing around Chief."

“She attacked me for no reason, sir. I could have died.” Clarke said innocently to Chief Jaha.

“You very well could have.” The Chief responded seriously.

“You little..” Octavia began.

“You’d better not be making threats in my station, Detective Blake.”

“N..No..sir.”

“I expect better behavior from you Blake.”

“Y..Yes sir!”

He began walking away leaving Clarke to the wrath of Octavia. Octavia quickly began advancing around her desk towards Clarke who was busy inching her chair backwards in retreat.

“Detective Blake.”

Octavia startled and stood ramrod straight at Jaha’s voice. She flinched slightly as Jaha walked back around her. “Sir?”

“Is this how you present yourself as a detective in this police department?” he asked, gesturing at her coffee stained shirt.

“No sir.” Blake responded eyes on Clarke the entire time.

“Clean up.” Chief Jaha ordered, sending a playful wink Clarke’s way. 

Blake glared at Clarke for a full minute after he walked away before she herself walked away with a thoroughly amused Clarke following.

Blake walked into the locker room and dramatically opened her locker, huffing and groaning the entire time and Clarke entered after her, taking a seat straddling one of the benches.

“I hate you.” Blake grumbled.

“You love me!” Clarke declared in response.

Blake groaned, as she searched her locker for a clean shirt.

“Okay but seriously, this Keenan thing.” Clarke ventured.

“I think you’re reading too much into it. I think Mel saw that Keenan left then got it into her head to do the same.” Blake said calmly pulling a white button-up shirt out of her locker and sniffing it.

“You were supporting me in saying the cases were related just last week!”

“Yeah but then Keenan turned up with her boyfriend whom you so lovingly named El Creepo and it makes sense.” Blake responded firmly eyeing the shirt warily for any stains.

“But..”

“Clarke, Keenan and Cage had been dating for years. He’s an emancipated 17 year old so there’s no crime. Case closed on her.”

“But Mel..” Clarke protested.

“Yeah Mel’s still missing. But there are no indications that she left with Keenan other than Cage saying that Keenan maybe wasn’t alone? What does that even mean? He would have known considering she stayed at his apartment for a couple of weeks. He’s far from a reliable source of information. Story freakin’ changes every day. You said it yourself!”

Clarke began shaking her head.

“Also..” Octavia continued, “They certainly weren’t friends according to Keenan’s friends and every single other person in the school. They would have no reason to go anywhere together.”

Clarke was quiet for a moment as she tried to come up with another argument. She watched as Blake decided the shirt was good enough to wear and put it on.

“The Facebook statuses..” Clarke began.

“Yeah, yeah. The same status before they both disappeared. I think Mel just copied it. I know you want to solve it all but I think this girl was bullied and she got sick of it and ran away. We'll find her. Okay?” Blake finished as she buttoned up her shirt.

Clarke sighed knowing that Blake was being practical and there was really nothing but a similarity in Facebook statuses to tie the disappearances together. Her gut though, told her otherwise.

A buzz broke into her thoughts and she absently followed Octavia, who was walking out of the locker room, while checking her phone.

**Rrrrave: still on later?**

Clarke smiled at the abrupt text happy to be communicating more with Raven.

**Clarkster: You bet.**

**Rrrrave: I am gonna kick your cute lil butt at this**

**Clarkster: You’re playing with fire. Can’t wait to see your smug attitude burned.**

**Clarkster: By me. The fire.**

**Clarkster: Just in case you were unclear on that.**

**Rrrrave: whatever princess just don’t be late.**

**Clarkster: 10-4, loser.**

“Earth to Clarke!”

Clarke stopped abruptly realizing she was now in the breakroom and had nearly run into Octavia.

“Sorry. What did you ask?” she questioned guiltily, pocketing her phone.

“You and me and Netflix after work?” Octavia proposed as she poured herself a fresh cup of coffee.

“Can’t O. Meeting Raven.”

“Raven?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Cause we’re friends.”

“Oh. That’s great.” Octavia said rolling her eyes.

“We haven’t been the closest in the past couple of months and we’re trying to change that.”

“Just like you’re suddenly talking to Lexa again? I know about the lunch.”

“I know you know.” Octavia looked up in surprise before she groaned.

“Bellamy. He can’t keep his mouth shut.”

“Well to be fair, he betrayed me first.”

“Like there’s something to betray! Why are you hiding things from me!” Blake all but yelled attracting the attention of some officers nearby.

“I wasn’t hiding.” Clarke sighed, “Okay well, I was a little. But I wanted to meet her first then talk to you about it later.”

“It’s been days since you met her, you haven’t said a damn thing to me.”

“I was waiting for the right time!”

“And talking to Raven?” Octavia demanded.

“I’m not hiding that! You literally told me two weeks ago that you didn’t want to talk about her.” Clarke defended, annoyed by Octavia’s petulance.

“Fine then. It’ll be me, Lincoln, and Netflix.” Octavia said firmly as she walked away.

Clarke followed trying to lighten the mood, “How are things going with him?”

“Fucking swimmingly.” Octavia muttered picking up her pace to get away from Clarke.

“Fine then.” Clarke called out as she watched the other woman get to her desk and sit down.

“Fine!” Octavia responded, typing away at her computer.

 

 

_“Officer Griffin, I must say your progress over the last three months has been more than impressive.”_

_Clarke nodded, still not entirely comfortable in Dr. Cartwig’s office, before she responded. “I couldn’t have done it without the help of the department.”_

_“Do you feel like you’re ready to go back to work?” Dr. Cartwig asked as she wrote away on her pad._

_“Yeah. I got my head on straight, you know? Problems taken care of and all.”_

_“Problems?”_

_“Drinking, Fighting with Octavia, Lexa.”_

_“Yes, you mentioned that she spoke to Chief Jaha and she will in fact be your partner again when you get reinstated.”_

_“Damn right!”_

_“And Lexa?” Dr Cartwig questioned, looking over Clarke above her glasses._

_“What about her?”_

_“You consider her a problem?”_

_“Former problem.”_

_“Will you let her know when you are reinstated? That’s big news.”_

_Clarke stopped herself from immediately answering and thought about it._

_Really thought about it._

_She knew she was due to meet Octavia for lunch and a matinee show. That was important to her. She steeled herself._

_“No. I don’t need to. She has her life and I have mine. No point.”_

 

 

“Why are you doing this to yourself, Reyes?” Clarke called out as she walked towards the building.

“I’m not doing anything to myself. Just some friendly competition.” Raven said lightly slapping her right fist against her palm in a mock threat.

“Raven you’re literally going to lose.” Clarke stated as she walked by Raven and opened the door.

“Ladies, Hello! Welcome to Painting with a Twist.” An older, extremely cheerful woman greeted.

“Hi, I called ahead. Raven Reyes and Clarke Griffin.” Raven spoke up as she came in behind Clarke.

“Great! I spoke to you then! Feel free to take a seat wherever and we’ll get started in a couple of minutes.” 

Clarke led the way to one of the easels and sat down eagerly.

“Okay, you and the very happy woman are both extremely in your element. I may be intimidated.”

“I warned you.”

“Nah I’ll be alright.” Raven decided quickly regaining her bravado. “Drink?” she asked, pouring the contents of the bottle of wine she brought into a glass.

Clarke shook her head and watched other people steamed in to the class. Raven shrugged nonchalantly and began regaling Clarke with her opinions on who in the class would be a bad painter.

She was quickly proven wrong when the class started and everyone in it was doing better than she was.

“Okay this is crap.” Raven declared sighing for what felt like the hundredth time to Clarke. “I put together things okay. I could create machines if I wanted to. This. This is just crap.”

“Don’t insult art because you suck at it.”

“I don’t suck at it. I am just not suited for it.”

“Which is another way of saying..” Clarke hinted.

“That this is crap.” Raven stated.

“Not quite. But you do suck.”

“I want to set this on fire.”

“Well, you’d be the only one qualified to stop the fire so I guess you might as well.”

“Oh my!” the instructor exclaimed when she caught sight of Raven’s painting.

Clarke laughed out loud at the poor woman’s shock.

“I’m trying for a different interpretation. Don’t worry about me.” Raven defended to the woman, who hastily made her retreat to better painters.

Clarke guffawed at Raven’s words, “Or maybe a different object entirely.” she managed mid-laugh, gesturing between Raven’s painting and the painting they were supposed to match.

Raven pouted and gave up entirely choosing to watch Clarke paint instead.

“You’re such an over-achiever.” Raven teased pointing at Clarke’s painting which was markedly more complex that the instructor’s.

“Skill, baby. Skill.” Clarke responded focused on the details of her painting.

“Okay, I never thought I’d say this in my life, but _you’re_ quiet.” Clarke said turning to face Raven after she’d been silent for a few minutes.

“Hey, you’re one to talk!”

“Seriously what’s up?”

Raven took a swig of her wine, emptying the glass before she leaned over to Clarke. “I’m getting married.”

Clarke’s squeal of delight rang out startling some of the other patrons so much, they dropped their brushes.

“Sorry! Sorry!” Clarke exclaimed holding her hands up at the rest of the class before she dragged Raven out of the studio and squealed again once the door had shut behind her. The two girls laughed, and jumped, and talked animatedly in high pitched voices completely unaware that they had become the subject of the class’ attention. 

Details of the proposal explained, Clarke gripped Raven tightly as they stood outside the studio, completely happy that Raven was happy.

 

 

_“Fancy seeing you here.” Clarke said cautiously as she sidled up to Raven who was lounging against the wall of the firehouse with her eyes closed._

_“Well, I am a firefighter and this is my place of work..” Raven responded simply eyes remaining closed._

_Clarke paused, frustrated, Raven had been ignoring her calls for the past month for no reason._

_Clarke tried again, “Well then, fancy seeing me here.”_

_“Yeah, you’re everywhere but where you should be.”_

_“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Clarke demanded._

_“How’s Lexa?” Raven asked innocently._

_Clarke bristled at the name trying to ignore the pang it elicited. “How’s Octavia?” she fired back._

_“Still being stubborn I assume.” Raven said matter of fact before she pushed off the wall with a sigh, “What is it that you want Clarke?”_

_“So what? You won’t talk to me because things ended with Lexa?” Clarke all but yelled._

_“No, nobody..”_

_“Because that was the best thing could have done for myself, Raven. I get reinstated next week. I don’t know if I could have done that if..”_

_“No one is blaming you..”_

_“Then why are you ignoring me?”_

_“Clarke, did you ever stop to think for one second what the best thing for Lexa is?” Clarke stepped back, stunned for a moment._

_“I..”_

_“No, you didn’t. And I get that. You need to fix yourself. But think about it Clarke. You have all the odds going for you. The friends, the support of the force but Lexa..all she has is Anya and now me.” Raven ranted passionately._

_“You?” Clarke asked lowly._

_“Yeah, me. I went to see her for the first time since everything last week.”_

_“And?”_

_“And she wasn’t doing so hot.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Look Clarke, when my mom..listen I couldn’t have gotten through without help. Lexa needs me. She has Anya but Anya has her own problems too and at this point Lexa is a full time job.”_

_“Okay.” Clarke said more tired than anything._

_“Okay?”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Listen, it would help if you talked to her.”_

_“I can’t do that.”_

_“No one said anything about now, I get that it’s raw and you need time...”_

_“I just can’t, Raven.”_

_Raven let out a long suffering sigh and turned to face the inside of the station._

_“Are you ever going to talk to Octavia?” Clarke asked to shut down her racing thoughts._

_“How can I when all she spews is hate? How can you even stand her with the way she goes on about Lexa?”_

_“She’s my partner.”_

_“Yeah, well. She’s been my best friend since the 7 th grade. She knows exactly why I stand where I stand on this.” _

_“So where does that leave us?”_

_“Congratulations on getting reinstated Clarke.” Raven said simply glancing at Clarke before she turned to walk back into the station._

 

 

**Princess: No.**

**The lamest Blake: Clarke, what?**

**Princess: No Bell, you will not be maid of honour.**

**The lamest Blake: Why not!**

**Princess: Cause I’m maid of honour and you’re going to be busy being Finn’s best man.**

**The lamest Blake: Fuck Finn. I wanna be maid of honour.**

**Princess: Don’t let him hear you abandoning your best man duties.**

**The lamest Blake: He knows. He approves of my wish to be maid of honour.**

**Princess:  Raven picked me so suck on that.**

**The lamest Blake: Fine, I’ll be the priest then.**

**Princess: Bellamy, no…**

 

 

_“Officer Griffin, I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you back in this office under these circumstances.”_

_Clarke grinned widely at Chief Jaha who was pacing back and forth in the room with a wide smile._

_“Sir, thank you for the second chance.” Clarke blurted out excitedly as she fidgeted nervously in her chair._

_“Like I said before, you’re an excellent officer. One who’ll no doubt be moving up in rank soon.”_

_“Wow, sir.”_

_“There’s no wow about it, Officer Griffin. You are good at your job and I’m glad to see that this has only been a minor setback.” Chief Jaha said finally standing still to regard Clarke._

_“Me too, sir.”_

_“I see no reason to drag this out. I know you’ll continue to see Dr. Cartwig and she has highly recommended your reinstatement.” He paused mid-speech and opened up his drawer pulling out Clarke’s badge and gun and laid them on the desk in front of her._

_She stood up, beaming , and accepted them as he spoke up again. “Welcome back to the force, Officer Griffin.”_

_“Thank you, sir.”_

_Badge and gun on her person, she gave the Chief one last smile as she exited the room and immediately closed her eyes leaning against his door and allowed herself to take in the enormity of the moment._

_She breathed slowly unable to keep the smile off her face._

_In._

_Out._

_In._

_Out._

_“Officer Griffin.”_

_Clarke’s eyes flew open._

_“Octavia...” She started but Octavia had already grabbed her and pulled her into a hug._

_Before she could process the hug, Octavia pulled back and threw her arms and head back. “We’re back bitches!!!!” she yelled attracting the attention of the other officers at their desks._

_They quickly all came up to offer their congratulations filling Clarke’s head with choruses of, “Welcome back Griff.” “We missed you Griffin.” “Couldn’t stay away huh Griff?”_

_And in the midst of all the chaos, the realization struck her that she wouldn’t be receiving Lexa’s congratulations._

_Her tight hug._

_Her warm breath._

_Her eyes wide and staring into Clarke’s._

_Her whisper of, “I knew you could do it Clarke. I’m so proud of you babe.”_

_She caught herself in her thoughts and shook them away choosing to focus on her fellow officers._

_She was back._

_And Octavia’s tight grip on her arm as she paraded her around the station was enough to convince her she made the right choice._

 

 

Clarke awoke with a start, sweat clinging to her body.

She’d had a nightmare.

She couldn’t recall the details but she knew she was shaken.

She got out of the bed, padded over to the hallway, and opened the door.

Her heart skipped a beat when she realized she wasn’t alone in the hallway. “What the fuck?” She breathed.

She could feel her heart pounding quickly as she stepped closer and closer to the familiar figure. A single light bulb illuminated the scene in the hallway but the darkness threatened to consume it as it surrounded the light hungrily.

Clarke walked closer and closer to the crouching figure before she stopped dead in her tracks as the figure turned and she saw a face.

“Dad?” She asked confused and frightened.

Her dad donned a blue robe and was hunched over a broken sink on the carpeted floor, trying to fix it.

“Dad?” she asked in a small voice filled with fear that was making her dizzy.

“The sink is broken.” He gestured casually.

She glanced at the sink. It looked like someone had been sick all over it and it lay forlornly on the ground with cracks running through it and broken pieces of it scattered carelessly around on the ground.

“Dad?”

He declined to respond and this more than anything scared her into realizing she was dreaming and the realization startled her awake.

She struggled to breathe kicking the too hot sheets off her body.

She hadn’t had a dream about her father in years.

She shook her head trying to clear her thoughts and got up to get herself a glass of water. She made her way to the door and into the hallway easily despite the darkness.

She moved slowly through the hallway before the sight of a figure at the end of it nearly made her jump out of her skin.

“Jesus Christ!”

The darkness made it hard to make out who it was and Clarke could feel the chills running down her spine. The figure was still, showing no reaction to Clarke’s exclamation. Clarke held her hands out cautiously and advanced on the figure.

She knew that figure.

“Lexa?”

But Lexa remained silent and unmoving and as Clarke got closer she could see that Lexa was wearing a dress but couldn’t make out her face in the darkness.

Clarke was filled with fear at Lexa’s behavior.

She walked closer.

Closer.

She could just make out the smirk of her mouth when with a jolt, she was awake.

The TV was on creating an eerie glow and low background noise.

With a groan, Clarke realized she had fallen asleep on the couch.

She always got nightmares when she slept with the TV on. Still reclined, she reached for the remote and shut it off before contemplating whether to make the short walk to her bed.

As she lay there lazily, a figure caught her eye. “Shit!” she yelled trying to sit up.

She quickly found that she couldn’t move at all let alone sit up. The figure moved closer and closer. “I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming.” She chanted.

The figure moved closer illuminated by the light of the TV.

The TV that she just turned off.

Shit.

Shit.

“Mom?” she asked as she finally made out the face.

Her mother gave no response and simply moved closer and closer.

“Dreaming, Dreaming.” Clarke was doing her best to escape the dream.

All she needed to do was to move a finger.

Her mother was so close.

She sat down next to Clarke and hovered over her moving her face closer and closer.

With a grunt of exertion, Clarke finally managed to lift her index finger and the dream was broken.

She sat up in her bed trying to calm her rapidly beating heart.

She was more bewildered than scared of the dream but didn’t dare go back to sleep regardless.

She sat numbly, eyes wide and scanning the room wishing desperately she could talk to someone.

Her phone on the bedside table caught her eye and before she could convince herself that texting Lexa was a bad idea, it was in hand and she’d fired off a text.

They’d been texting on and off for the past week and it felt easy and comfortable and Clarke couldn’t help the urge to confide in her.

**Clarke: Had a dream about you.**

She cringed at how the text might come off and sent another one off.

**Clarke: When I say dream I mean nightmare and when I say about you I mean that you were in the company of my mom, and my dad.**

Placing her phone back on the bedside table, she rubbed her face tiredly and tried to make sense of the dream.

She hadn’t been getting much sleep with the case she was working on.

Sleep Paralysis didn’t affect her too often but when it did it was almost always when she was sleep deprived.

She let out a groan at the realization that sleep-deprivation had caused the paralysis and her fear of falling back into it was causing her to stay awake and deprive herself of much needed sleep.

A vicious cycle.

At the very least she was glad about the fact that she didn’t have work later and could get away with the lack of sleep.

She lay back gently on her bed and kept her eyes on the ceiling, watching the reflected light from the street lights on the street below.

Clarke was hardly a dream expert but she could tell that her subconscious was anxious about meeting her Mom later in the day.

Abby Griffin always managed to dredge up all sorts of unpleasantries. But Abby was her mom and Clarke wasn’t going to avoid meeting her. So she sighed, eyes still wide open and simply waited for the hours to pass by and for dawn to arrive.

 

 

_“Mom, I’m in the middle of a movie what’s up?” Clarke answered her phone finally giving in to her mother’s incessant calls._

_Bellamy paused the movie with a chuckle and grabbed a handful of popcorn, settling in to eavesdrop on the conversation._

_“Well if you would have picked up the phone earlier..”_

_“I was busy, mom.”_

_“Or if you had picked up when I called yesterday or the day before..”_

_“Okay fine I get it. I’m sorry I’ve been shitty about answering your calls.”_

_“Clarke is it really necessary for you to use such foul language.”_

_Bellamy cackled at that, dropping several pieces of popcorn on the ground and receiving a glare from Clarke as a consequence._

_“I mean really, presenting yourself professionally is about speaking well..”_

_“I’m sorry mom, won’t happen again.”_

_Bellamy laughed even louder and added to the rapidly growing carpet of popcorn on the floor._

_“Are you with a boy?”_

_Clarke rolled her eyes and answered dryly, “No, mom. I’m with a Bellamy.”_

_“Hey! I can be a boy and a Bellamy!” Bellamy interjected heatedly._

_“Oh well then tell him I said hi.” Abby said._

_“My mother says hello, Bellamy.”_

_“Tell her I said she’s been looking really foxy lately.”_

_“Bellamy says hi.” Clarke muttered sending a kick to Bellamy’s side._

_“Hey!” he protested._

_Clarke ignored him, “So what’s up mom?”_

_“Does anything have to be ‘up’, Clarke?”_

_“Mom.” Clarke sighed._

_“Okay fine then I just wanted to congratulate you on being reinstated, I received a lovely call from Thelonious and..”_

_“Yeah, yep. Thanks mom.” Clarke interrupted in an attempt to hurry the conversation._

_“Well I just want you to know that I’m proud of you. You were very strong and very brave in overcoming your problems.”_

_“Thanks mom, really. Thanks.” Clarke said sincerely._

_She had never wanted to let her mother down and while talking to her was still taxing, it felt good to regain her pride._

_“So how’s Lexa?”_

_Bellamy’s abrupt laugh turned into choking on a kernel and he began to flail his arms wildly._

_“Seriously mom? Didn’t you blame her for my drinking?”_

_“Well yes and I still do but that doesn’t mean I don’t care”_

_Bellamy stood up, eyes wide, gesturing at Clarke who ignored him._

_“You never even liked her! From the start!”_

_“I knew she was trouble. A mother knows these things. I only want the best for you Clarke.”_

_Seeing no response from Clarke, Bellamy turned and ran into the kitchen and Clarke heard the sound of her faucet running._

_“Whatever. To answer your question, I don’t know how she’s doing. I haven’t talked to her.”_

_“Surely you know something.”_

_“Surely I don’t.” Clarke bit back irritated and half distracted as she peered over the couch to see Bellamy twisted at a weird angle above her sink eagerly drinking up the water from the faucet._

_“Clarke, I know things ended badly but you should reach out. She could probably use..”_

_“I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you of all people.”_

_“Clarke don’t be spiteful. I’m simply sugges..”_

_“No mom I will not see Lexa. She’s not good for me. Also no on the spiteful. I’ll keep being spiteful, it’s my favourite trait that you passed down to me.”_

_“Clarke..”_

_“I have to go. I’m in the middle of the movie.” Clarke said hanging up._

_“You know..”_

_“Jesus Christ!” Clarke exclaimed jumping up when she realized Bellamy was right behind her._

_Bellamy grinned and moved around the couch before plopping onto it dramatically. “I could have died, you know.”_

_“Probably would have been for the best.”_

_Bellamy nodded suddenly serious, “You know that game that I had tickets for last week? The one you refused to go to saying it would be boring?”_

_“Yeah. Big mistake on my part. Baseball is never boring.” Clarke said sarcastically._

_“Yeah, well I took Lexa.”_

_“What?”_

_“I agree with your mother.”_

_“What?”_

_“I feel like I’m being clear.”_

_“Excuse me while I take a moment to get over both my mother and my friend’s judgement.”_

_“She could use...”_

_“She has apparently has all my friends and family on her side. What more can she fucking need!”_

_“You.”_

_“Okay Bellamy, I’m done. Either we watch this stupid post-apocalyptic movie or you leave.”_

_Bellamy watched her quietly for what felt like hours before he finally turned and resumed the movie._

 

 

“Mother.”

“Clarke.”

The two quietly regarded each other quietly for a moment before the bustling of the other café patrons kicked them out if their reverie.

“Let’s sit.” Abby suggested and Clarke obliged her leading the way to a corner booth. They both settled into the booth and it was hardly ten seconds before an eager server approached them.

“Two black coffees.” Abby said dismissively before raising an eyebrow at Clarke who nodded at the sever in agreement.

“So how are things at the station?”

“Why don’t you ask Jaha?” Clarke spat out, still uneasy about spending time with her mother.

“Well he mentioned a missing persons case..”

“Jesus Christ I was just being bitter! How many conversations do you have about me with my boss?”

“Well, they’re not just about you.”

“Okay. Okay. Let’s not get right into it.” Clarke said trying to ignore her anger in favour of getting through the conversation.

“Let’s not.” Abby agreed.

“So..” Abby began, when Clarke was silent for a few minutes. “You know Marcus?”

“The great Senator.” Clarke said caustically.

“Clarke.” Abby warned.

“Sorry I meant _The_ Kane, jumpstarter of cars, seducer of widowed chiefs of surgery.”

Abby narrowed her eyes.

“Sorry, sorry. God. I just don’t know how to not be this way with you. Sorry mom.” 

Abby nodded slowly, “It’s okay Clarke, there’s obviously some things for us to work on.”

Clarke nodded wearily.

“Have you thought about talking to Callie about us? She’s very highly regarded.”

“Callie?”

“Yeah, You know Callie Cartwig, she mentioned you’ve been doing so well and..”

“Wait a minute!”

“What?”

“You talk to my fucking therapist!?”

“Clarke, language.” Abby said putting her fingers against her temple.

“Isn’t there some sort of Doctor patient confidentiality?”

“Well yes but Callie’s an old friend.”

“Jesus Christ is that why she got assigned to me?”

“Well I mean I recommended her to Thelonious sure, but ultimately..”

“What the Hell! This is my career mom!” Clarke yelled out, rising to her feet.

The whole café subsided into silence before hushed whispers grew slowly accompanied by furtive glances sent Clarke’s way.

“Umm. Two coffees.” The server blurted out appearing suddenly and placing a tray on the table before he scurried away.

“Sit, Clarke.”

“I don’t know that I want to.”

“Let’s just talk.”

Clarke stood stubbornly for a full minute before she relented and sat down.

“Sure. Let’s talk. Let’s talk about how much Goddamn grief..”

“Language please.” Abby protested holding her hands out.

“How much _Goddamn_ grief you gave me for not following in your footsteps like going to the academy was the worst thing in the world. And then here you are, talking to my boss and my therapist, still dictating my career.” Clarke ranted.

“I’m not dictating anything.”

“Really? Cause it feels like college all over again. Recommendations getting me clinic jobs then. Recommendations getting me promotions now.”

“Clarke stop. You earned your promotion to detective by yourself. Your test scores were excellent, record even better. Thelonious said you were one of the easiest promotions he’s ever made.”

“So why are you constantly spying on me?”

“I’m not spying. I’m  just looking out..”

“Back off. Please. I need to be in control of my life.”

“I only want the best for you Clarke okay? Okay. I’ll back off.” Abby relented before breaking eye contact and staring at her coffee.

“I would change my career to underwater basket weaving but I’m sure you’d have contacts there as well.” Clarke joked trying to clear the air.

“As a matter of fact, I do know a lovely gentleman in Hainan, China who would love an apprentice.” Abby said looking up with a smile.

Clarke let out a laugh and Abby joined in. They both smiled at each other, feeling lighter from the laugh and sipped at their coffees in such a similar manner that no doubt  could be left to a casual passerby of the fact that they were mother and daughter.

“So I’m talking to Lexa again.” Clarke began.

“Oh. Wow. Okay. How did that come about?”

“She came to see me and I was resistant at first but now we’re talking and it’s nice. Really nice.”

“How is she?”

“Good really good. Great job, friends, progress, everything.”

“So she’s not..” Abby asked, tilting her head worriedly.

“Not a drop.”

“Wow. Well I’m glad.”

“Really?”

“Yes Clarke. Despite her struggles and consequentially yours, there was something really special about you two that anyone with eyes could see.” she stated stoically.

“Thanks mom.” Clarke responded, unsure of what to make of Abby's words.

“Anytime. What’s the next move with her?”

“Building up to trust and friendship. Having her be a part of my life. That’s what I want.”

“I’m rooting for you both. Just be careful. Addiction is tough and if the underlying problems aren’t addressed in some way, it’s easy to fall back.”

“I know, mom.”

“I’m not trying to lecture.”

“I know, mom.” The both smiled again and sipped at their coffee.

“Oh shit sorry..”

“Language.” Abby reminded her frustratedly.

“Oh _shoot_ sorry, you were saying something about Kane before we got turned around.”

Abby raised an eyebrow at Clarke’s questionable substitution before her eyes lit up suddenly. “Well, Clarke I haven’t said yes because I wanted to talk to you about it but..well..he asked me for my hand.”

“To hold?”

“Clarke.”

“Congratulations mom! Really.” Clarke said with a wide smile standing up to hug her mother.

Abby stood up cautiously and met her in a tight hug. “Are you sure..”

“Say yes to him, mom.” Clarke said pulling back and returning to her chair. “He’s actually really a great guy.”

“He is isn’t he?” Abby said dreamily as she sat down. Clarke laughed at her expression and found herself unable to shake the smile off her face.

She ignored the pang in her chest for her father that was always there albeit muted most of the time and allowed herself to be happy for her mother. 

 

 

_“Relax Clarke, she won’t hurt you.”_

_Clarke shot a panicked look to a reassuring Monty before turning back to look at the toddler. The toddler gurgled out a laugh and took another step._

_“What do I do? What do I do?”_

_“Maybe try treating her like she’s not a bomb.” Jasper called out as he army crawled around with a giggling boy._

_“Jasper’s right Clarke, just relax. Indra’s a sweet girl.”_

_But Clarke was unconvinced._

_Sure her face was cute but lion cubs were cute too and she wouldn’t cuddle up with one._

_“Wrong way Aden, what kind of police officer are you? The weed farm is this way in my house. Come arrest me.” Jasper instructed the pale eager little boy._

_“Jasper if his first word is weed I swear to God!” Monty called out as he changed the diapers on his own squirming rascal of a child._

_“Relax Monty, I made him the cop for a reason. His first words will be war on drugs. Yeah! You caught me!” Jasper responded before high fiving a giggling Aden._

_“Uh guys.” Clarke called out as Indra wobbled closer and closer._

_“You’re the one who’s gonna have to talk to his parents. What’s that Ontari!? Bang Bang? Oh no! You got me!” Monty finished dramatically as he fell to the floor to the delight of the girl with her fingers stretched into a gun._

_“Monty? Jasper?” Clarke called out as she backed into the wall in an attempt to get away from Indra’s relentless advance._

_“Oh so weed is bad but shooting people is fine?” Jasper asked as he watched Aden rush over to Monty who was still fake writhing in pain._

_“Somebody please?” Clarke begged as Indra got closer._

_She had nowhere to go._

_The toddler was too close._

_Clarke’s back was against the wall._

_There was no escape._

_“Dude, everyone knows murder is better than weed.” Monty responded as he ruffled Aden’s hair._

_“Mouda is bewa tha wee!”_

_“Ontari, No.”_

_“Mouda is bewa tha wee!”_

_“No! No!” The rest of the children in the daycare that had been attracted Ontari’s chant now approached the girl and joined in the chant._

_“Mouda is bewa tha wee! Mouda is bewa tha wee!”_

_Jasper cackled loudly and joined in the chant._

_The children too young to join in with the chanting laughed and gurgled and joined in the merriment of the cheer surrounding Monty._

_“Jasper! Help me contain this!”_

_“No way dude! Murder is better than weed! Murder is better than weed!”_

_Clarke knew this was the end._

_She’d lived long enough._

_She felt happy with her achievements._

_Everything had descended into chaos._

_Help was too far away._

_Nobody could hear her calls for help over the chanting._

_And Indra could not be deterred from her goal of reaching Clarke._

_“God, I know I don’t talk to you very often but why me, why this?”_

_Indra gurgled and stepped closer reaching out a hand._

_She was so close._

_This was it._

_This was the end._

_Clarke scrunched up her eyes._

_She felt a hand touch her face._

_It was soft._

_So soft._

_She opened her eyes and met Indra’s curious ones._

_“Hi!” The toddler greeted._

_“_ _H…hi, child.”_

_“Ma name isss Indra!”_

_“Okay, thank you. Bye.”_

_“Bye!” yelled the toddler before she gave Clarke one last look and ran to join the chant.”_

_Still terrified, Clarke curled up in a fetal position and closed her eyes willing the world to go away._

_“You’re pathetic, you know?” Clarke opened her eyes and sat up with a start looking around the room._

_“They’re all gone!”_

_“Yeah outside time.” Monty gestured to the window where Clarke could see the kids running around with an equally enthusiastic Jasper._

_“God, I’m so bad with kids.”_

_“Aren’t you trying to be a  juvenile detective?”_

_“Yes. I can deal with the older kids, like 10 and up . O will handle the rest. God, I don’t know how Lexa was so good at this.”_

_Monty laughed, “I loved it when she came to volunteer. A lot of the kids still ask about her and it’s been months which is crazy. Sorry.”_

_“No, no. I brought her up.”_

_“Clarke, you’ve never been in here. You only ever step foot in the front office to help out with paperwork. It literally terrifies you to be in the main room around the kids. So not to be rude or anything but why are you here?”_

_“I’ve received lectures from just about everyone I know about how I should be there for Lexa.”_

_“You’re in recovery.” He stated bluntly._

_“I know.”_

_“It’s not good for you to be around someone who’s not.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Were you looking for reassurance?”_

_“I guess.” Clarke answered not actually sure why she was here now that she was asked._

_“It’s easy to say what people should or shouldn’t do when you’re not in their position.”_

_Clarke fiddled with her fingers but was unable to come up with a response to his words._

_“Do you think you’re recovered?”_

_“I’m better.”_

_“That’s not the same thing.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Do you think she’s recovered?”_

_“No. Honestly. I think she never will.” Clarke confessed._

_She wondered whether she was being pessimistic or realistic. She wondered whether there was a difference._

_“Wow.” Monty simply said._

_“Yeah.”_

_“Do you genuinely think you’re doing the best thing for yourself by not talking to her.”_

_“Yes.”_

_“What’s the problem then?”_

_“Raven, Bellamy, and even my mom..”_

_“Like I said. It’s easy of them to say that. They don’t know what you’ve gone and are going through.” Monty interrupted calmly._

_“They never saw how bad she was, Monty.”_

_“I know.”_

_“They don’t get it.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I don’t hate her. I just can’t.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Thanks Monty.”_

_“Anytime.”_

_The two sat facing the empty daycare for a moment before Monty spoke up. “Not that I want to be rid of your company, but the kids will be back in here soon.”_

_“Oh God. Already gone. Tell Jasper I said bye.” Clarke responded hoisting herself up and walking out of the daycare with a wave thrown over her shoulder._

 

 

“Oww.” Clarke groaned grabbing her foot with her one free hand, while the other desperately clutched her phone to her ear, and jumping up and down in pain.

_“You could maybe watch where you’re going.”_

“I swear to God, Lexa you’re making me regret calling you.”

_“I’d rather you regret calling me than die.”_

“I’m not going to die.” Clarke said exasperatedly before she tried once again to pull herself out of her skinny jeans one-handedly. 

_“Or you could just wait to undress then call me.”_ Clarke immediately stopped her actions before gasping at Lexa’s words thankful for the fact that she couldn’t see the blush that covered her face and neck. 

“Okay.” She said regaining her wits, “Hanging up now.”

_“Wait! Sorry!”_

Clarke quickly hung up and tossed her phone on the bed before quickly taking off her jeans, grabbing a pair of sleeping shorts and throwing them on. She made a mad lunge for the bed and jumped in before impatiently waiting for Lexa to call back.

“Come on. Come on.” She muttered nervously, ignoring the flutter in the stomach that was becoming a frequent visitor. 

The phone rang.

“Oh sweet Jesus! Thank fuck!” she exclaimed.

Five rings.

She’s give it five rings.

She couldn’t wait anymore by the third ring.

“Griffin.”

_“Oh thank..wait, is that how you answer the phone when I call now?”_

“How else am I supposed to answer a meanie like you?”

 _“This ‘meanie’ was never particularly opposed when you answered by saying ‘Hey Sexa.”_ Lexa responded with a low voice.

“I can’t believe you!” Clarke exclaimed burrowing her red face into her pillow, “One time, while I was wasted.”

_“Maybe you should get that way more often.”_

Clarke was quiet for a moment.

 _“Bad joke. Let’s pretend my response was better than..”_ Lexa began, panic evident in her voice.

“No! It’s just..It was funny. Just maybe..” Clarke struggled to articulate.

_“Too soon.”_

“Something like that. We still have some things to get over.”

_“We?”_

“Yeah, we. If that’s okay with you.”

_“More than okay. Change of subject?”_

“Please.” Clarke agreed.

_“Dreaming about me huh?”_

“Lexa!”

_“No but seriously, how do you feel about dreaming about your dad?”_

“Really weird, Lex. Especially now, in light of the news I got today.”

_“News?”_

“Yup. My mom’s getting married.” 

_“Wow! To Kane? I guess they’ve been together for a while now haven’t they?”_

“5ish years. Yeah I’d say.”

_“So how do you feel about it?”_

“Good! I mean you know him, he’s really nice and he treats her really well.”

_“But?”_

“Who says there’s a but?”

 _"But?”_ Lexa insisted.

Clarke sighed, “Not really a but, but just you know..he was my dad.”

_“And nothing can change that.”_

“I know.”

_“It’s okay to feel weird.”_

“Is it? Not selfish?”

 _“No. Definitely not selfish.”_  

“Okay.” Clarke acquiesced as she turned onto her side and curled up, tightly gripping her phone.

_“Marriage in the air huh? First Raven, now your mom.”_

“Speaking of Raven’s wedding, ‘Ms. Former Maid of Honour.”

_“I prefer ‘OG Maid of Honour’ because I am an original gangsta.”_

Clarke couldn’t help but bark out a laugh at that.

_“I like your laugh.”_

_“_ Okay ‘Sappy McSapperson.’” Clarke teased.

_“Mmmm more like ‘Honest McHonesterson.’”_

“Lexa.” Clarke said seriously.

 _“What?”_ Lexa laughed out.

Clarke blushed but said it anyway, “I like _your_ laugh.”

_“Ohooo do you now?”_

“Shut up and stop smiling.”

 _“I’m doing no such thing Clarke and you can’t prove I am.”_ Lexa teased in a sing-song voice.

“But seriously, why did you say no to Raven? She didn't say why earlier this week when she asked me to do it.”

“Well, I don’t know. She’s been there for me but it just didn’t feel right. If things..if things hadn’t turned out this way, she wouldn’t have asked me to be her Maid of Honour.”

“She wouldn’t have asked me either.” Clarke admitted.

 _“No. She wouldn’t.”_ Clarke lay silently on her bed, thoughts racing as she listened to Lexa’s breathing.  

_“So tell me more about this dress I was wearing in your dream.”_

“Lexa.”

_“Seriously, the public wants to know.”_

“What public, Lexa! Why do you have to be like this?”

_“The public is me, Lexa the civilian, wanting to know what the Detectives that keep me safe dream about. Well just one detective. And just one particular kind of dream.”_

Clarke groaned loudly.

_“Was that the noise you made when you saw me in the dress?”_

“Lexa, I need you to not.”

_“Was there a slit in my dress? How much leg was on display?”_

And Clarke couldn’t help but smile because there was an unholy amount of leg on display and there was no way she was going to indulge Lexa by telling her.

 

 

_Clarke couldn’t stop smiling._

_Detective._

_She was a freaking detective._

_She watched as Octavia talked animatedly to Bellamy and a beaming Abby and felt happy._

_She was glad her mother was here._

_She was glad that her suspension hadn’t affected her career._

_She was glad that she and Octavia were going to be the most badass team of detectives there ever were._

_“Finn?” She asked, spotting the floppy haired boy hovering in the corner._

_She quickly followed him as he retreated into the hallway._

_“Finn, hey.”_

_“Hey Princess.” He said turning around and engulfing her in a hug, “Congratulations!”_

_“Thanks! Is Raven here?” Clarke asked looking around the hallway._

_Clarke watched his face fall and knew the answer. “Does she know you’re here?”_

_He shook his head, “Bellamy mentioned the promotion ceremony to us and she’s been weird ever since.”_

_He sighed and held up his phone showing a picture of Octavia’s wide smile as Bellamy pinned her badge to her uniform. “Got some of you too. I had to, you know? When she’s less weird I’ll confess and face the fallout.”_

_“Thank you, Finn.” Clarke said smiling at his thoughtfulness. “Did you wanna talk to Octavia?”_

_“Don’t know that Raven would forgive me for that.”_

_Clarke nodded._

_“See you, Clarke. Congratulations again.” He said before he backed away and walked out into the afternoon._

_Suddenly Clarke was struck with an emptiness in her core._

_She’d felt it earlier as her mom pinned her badge to her and Lexa wasn’t there taking obnoxious pictures from every angle._

_When she hadn’t heard Lexa’s laugh ring out as Jaha told an anecdote about her._

_And when her hand had felt empty as she mingled with everyone after the ceremony._

_It was her day and she was happy but she couldn’t help the nagging feeling that was in full force now in Finn’s wake._

_She fidgeted nervously with her phone before she dialed the number she knew by heart._

_She waited nervously._

_Not for long._

_“The number you have called is no longer in service..”_

_She glanced at her phone._

_Did she misdial?_

_She dialed the number again, carefully wondering if disuse had made her forget it._

_No it was the right number._

_And yet._

_“The number you have called is no longer in service..”_

_“Fuck it. Fuck her.” Clarke decided. “It’s better this way.”_

_And with that she headed into the room and directly into the wide arms of an awaiting Octavia._

_“Here we go..” She heard Chief Jaha muttering as Octavia made a show of presenting Clarke and her to the room._

_“We’re detectives bitches!”_

 

 

Clarke was giddy with excitement when she finally hung up with Lexa. Excitement that grew when her phone rang again.

Typical Lexa.

She answered eagerly without looking, “Hey Sexa.”

_“Clarke?”_

“Octavia Shit! I’m sorry.” Clarke blurted out shaking in humiliation.

She couldn’t believe it.

And with Octavia of all people.

_“Never mind that. Why don’t you tell me how my best friend is getting married and my other best friend is her maid of honour and nobody bothered to tell me.”_

“Shit!”

In all of the excitement of the week, Clarke hadn’t even thought about how Octavia would react to this.

“O. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I forgot.”

_“You see me every day, Clarke.”_ Octavia spat out. 

“I didn’t think. I didn’t think.” Clarke said, almost in tears.

_“This is what life is now? My best friend since middle school doesn’t tell me about the most important day of her life and my partner just doesn’t even think to mention it?”_

“Octavia.”

_“You mentioned how you’ve been watching spinach videos on you tube but you just didn’t think..”_

“Octavia I’m sorry.”

 _“God! Even Bellamy didn’t think to tell me. I was lounging around in his apartment when he got on his laptop to get ordained and when I asked him why, he said ‘Oh you know, for Raven’s wedding. Raven asked Clarke to be her maid of honour which is totally unfair.’ And he didn’t even realize that I didn’t know until I started sobbing right there on his couch. Didn’t even think to tell me. That’s what he said too.”_ Octavia ranted, concluding her words with a sob.

“Octavia, I don’t know what to say.” Clarke said, desperate to fix the situation somehow.

_“My best friend. This isn’t supposed to be how this goes.”_

“Octavia listen..”

_“Save it Clarke, just save it.”_

And the line went dead.

Fuck.

Clarke didn’t even know how to make this better. She felt caught between the two women and something had to give.

Her phone buzzed in her hand with a text from Lexa.

She contemplated the merits of telling her about Octavia but then thought better of it wanting Lexa to just be happy tonight. The phone buzzed again and her worries were slightly muted by the smile that took over her face. 

**Lexa: It would be nice if there were a sign-up sheet for more late night conversations with you. Please advise on whether this is possible.**

**Lexa: In case my text wasn’t clear on my intent, I'm saying I would fill all the spots.**


	6. We grow where our seeds happen to land.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sorry.” She muttered. 
> 
> Clarke quietly regarded her for a moment as Lexa did her best to remain calm under her gaze. 
> 
> “Don’t be.” Clarke finally spoke up softly. Lexa swallowed at her tone and nodded vigourously. “Seriously.” Clarke insisted stretching her hand out to cover Lexa’s and forcing her to meet her eye, “Don’t be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew guys. Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me given the wait. My life's been a whirlwind. Finished up my last semester at University, graduated, got a cool job lined up, went overseas for some fun and now I'm back. Things are still very busy but they will settle down here in a few weeks which means more frequent updates! That all being said here's a very long chapter to tide you over. If you'll notice, there is an end in sight. I have the remaining 4 chapters planned out so this should be quicker.
> 
> You are all wonderful. Feel free to bug me right here on [my tumblr](http://sovereignchicken.tumblr.com/)

Lexa woke to the blinding sun streaming into her room and shifted her covers above her head with a light groan to hide from it. Two minutes under the covers proved to be too stifling and hot and with a louder groan she threw them off and sat up.

“Welcome to world of the living.” She heard Anya say from the doorway.

“I seem to remember closing my blinds last night.”

“Yeah, you probably did, after all I found them closed and I didn’t close them.”

“Anya.” Lexa growled in irritation.

“It’s better than the other ways I could have woken you.” Anya stated unapologetically.

“That’s it, I’m getting a door!”

“Maybe also get a bed while you’re at it. The ‘nineteen year old stoner crashing at his buddy’s aesthetic doesn’t suit you.”

Lexa flopped back on her mattress and covered her eyes. “What time is it?”

“Time for you to accompany me to the VA. Get dressed. Chop chop.”

The pillow that Lexa chunked to Anya’s head fell uselessly to the floor in the wake of her departure. “Nice try.” Lexa heard her call from the kitchen.

Still in a daze from sleep, Lexa grabbed her phone off the floor beside her and looked at the time blearily. 7.07am Damnit. Her frustration was erased when she noticed several text notifications.

**Raven: Hey loser, we’re meeting at 1 to discuss wedding stuff. My place.**

“Typical Raven.” Lexa grumbled at the lack of notice as she texted a reply.

**Lexicon: Get Clarke to do it.**

Before she could put her phone down a call came through.

“Raven?” Lexa answered.

 _“Are you saying no?”_ Raven’s voice came through the phone, chipper as ever.

“No! I’m just wondering why you couldn’t have texted earlier?” a cranky Lexa replied

_“Do you have somewhere to be?”_

“No.” Lexa said quietly.

_“What was that?”_

“No.” Lexa repeated a little louder.

_“I can’t hear you Lex.”_

“No!”

_“Good! I’m glad, see you at 1!”_

Lexa groaned.

 _“Clarke will be there.”_ Raven teased.

“Oh?” Lexa inquired trying to school her voice.

Raven snorted at her poor attempt. “You’re pathetic.” She laughed before the click of the phone indicated she had hung up.

Lexa still felt uncomfortable at being designated a bridesmaid for Raven’s wedding considering the circumstances but she couldn’t hide the fact that she was excited that Clarke was going to be there later.

With a smile she opened up the rest of the notifications.

**Unknown Number: Can we talk? – Octavia**

Lexa’s eyes widened. She hadn’t talked to Octavia in a long time. And their last conversation hadn’t gone particularly well. She figured this was probably a stay away from Clarke conversation.

Great.

So she handled it the best way she could think of in the moment and ignored it. The next series of texts were enough to distract her from any worries.

**Clarke: How’s this?**

**Clarke: 2 Images attached.**

Lexa opened the picture attachment eagerly and laughed out loud at the sign-up sheet Clarke had created entitled, “ **Auditions: Late Night with Clarke Griffin.** ”  There was only one spot on the list and Lexa’s heart warmed at the implication.

She quickly opened the second one and read the form, eyes wide.  

**Due to the high demand for this position, we (Clarke Griffin Inc.) require:**

  1. **A professional resume detailing education, skills, and past experience.**
  2. **A cover letter explaining why you want the position and why we (Clarke Griffin Inc.) should hire you.**
  3. **A video showing how you would be a good fit for the position.**



**We wish you the best of luck as you submit these requirements but please be aware that the odds are not in your favour.**

“Game on.” Lexa decided. But she played coy in her reply.

**Lexa: Wow. Didn’t expect it to be so complicated. I’m afraid I’ll have to stick to late night texts.**

Lexa smiled at the series of quick texts that came through immediately.

**Clarke: Haha! Giving up so easily?**

**Clarke: Tell you a secret?**

**Clarke: You can bypass the audition.**

Lexa laughed out loud. She couldn’t wait to surprise Clarke.

**Lexa: Well that was easier than I expected.**

**Clarke: Shut up :)**

“You have 10 minutes to stop smiling at your phone, eat the breakfast I made, shower, get dressed, and walk out the door with me.”

“Shit!” Lexa exclaimed, hopping up and dashing past a bored looking Anya into the kitchen.

 

 

_“Well kid, this is it.” Anya said stoically as she stood in Lexa’s doorway in her full army uniform._

_“I’m not a kid.” Lexa responded petulantly as she sat on the edge of the bed looking down._

_Anya laughed humourlessly. “I forgot that they let 11 year olds be adults now.”_

_“Whatever.” Lexa dismissed trying to hold back her tears._

_The two sisters were silent for a moment before Lexa gave up on her pride and anger  and tried to beg, “Stay? Please?”_

_Anya shook her head before walking over to Lexa slowly, “No can do kiddo, signed a contract so I gotta do it.”_

_“Just say no.” Lexa begged, voice wavering more._

_“Not how it works.”_

_“It works stupidly!” Lexa finally yelled out as hot tears escaped her eyes and ran down her cheeks. Anya tutted gently and kneeled before her, running a thumb across her cheeks to wipe the tears away. “Can’t you get a job and stay? The ice cream place on 5 th is hiring.” Lexa tried desperately. _

_“Oh Lex.” Anya sighed, cradling the 11-year-old’s face, “I think we both know our darling mother would like me as far away as possible.”_

_“Dad could..”_

_“Dad could what, Lex? I love him, but he’s completely useless. Makes me glad we’re adopted and didn’t get any of their genes. We’d either be completely passive or raging bitches.” Anya tried to placate with a slight smirk._

_“You’re a raging bitch.” Lexa snapped, angry and hurt that Anya was refusing to stay._

_Anya’s face fell and she sat back on her haunches and placed her hands calmly on her lap. She was quiet for a moment before she smirked again, “No swearing till you’re 18 and in the military.”_

_“I don’t wanna be in the military.” Lexa grumbled trying to hold back the fresh tears that threatened._

_“Good. Then make sure you do a heck of a lot better in school than I did cause college doesn’t pay for itself.”_

_“Are you sure you have to go?”_

_“Yeah, kid.”_

_“When do you come back?”_

_“I can come back after basic for a visit. But then after, it’ll depend on where I’m stationed.”_

_“Can you call?”_

_“I’ll always try for you sis.”_

_With those words Lexa abandoned all anger and flung her arms into Anya, tightly holding on as if she could keep her there through sheer will. The hug felt too short and its eventual end was followed Lexa’s renewed tears and Anya’s strained retreating form._

 

 

Lexa sat at the reception desk checking in veterans for their appointments with one eye firmly fixed on the clock that hung on the wall to her right. Usually she was chipper and focused in her volunteer duties but she couldn’t help but be distracted knowing she would be seeing Clarke soon.

She barely hid a grimace as a young man limped over, face completely marred by burns. “Checking in?” She asked.

“Yeah, Dr. McIntyre.”

Lexa slid the check in form over towards him and he dutifully signed it before settling down to wait. Lexa schooled her expression as the usual thoughts ran through her head. She always saw Anya in every veteran. Always was struck by just how lucky she was to have gotten her back, and in such good physical health. Of course Anya was still haunted by constant nightmares but the therapy seemed to be helping somewhat. At the very least it didn’t make her nightmares worse as far as Lexa could tell.

Noticing a lull in traffic, Lexa took the opportunity to draft a resume and cover letter on the reception computer in response to Clarke’s audition call. She typed quickly away with a mischievous grin and by the time she looked up, it was time to head out.

Perfect timing.

She was done and all she needed now was the video. She looked back at the screen with a chuckle before saving the documents and sending them to her own email.

**Resume – Lexa Woods**

**Objective: Seeking a full-time call position on Late Night with Clarke with a possibility for video call assignments.**

**Education: Da streets                                                                                                   Birth-2008**

**Da kitchens                                                                                                2009-Present**

**Experience:  Text Time with Clarke                                                                              2012-Present**

  * **Texted Clarke pick-up lines and bad rhymes**
  * **Texted Clarke to remind her to pick up groceries cause she always forgot**
  * **Texted Clarke pictures of puppies encountered in the streets**



**Cooking for Clarke                                                                                   2012-2015**

  * **Cooked Clarke breakfast**
  * **Cooked Clarke lunch**
  * **Cooked Clarke dinner**
  * **Cooked Clarke replacement meals when she ventured into the kitchen and inevitably ruined whatever she was trying to make us**



**Weekends with Clarke                                                                         2012-2015**

  * **Accompanied Clarke to soooo many museums**
  * **Sat through cheesy picnics and even cheesier conversations about stars**
  * **Watched every episode of Forensic Files that probably exists**



**Awards: “Lexa you’re honestly the best chef in the world.” Clarke Griffin -2012, 2013, 2014, 2015**

**Other Skills: Microsoft Word**

**References: Clarke Griffin**

**Cover Letter – Lexa Woods**

**Dear Clarke Griffin Inc. Hiring Team,**

**I am writing in regards to the open position for Late Night with Clarke Griffin to which I was directed by the honorable Clarke Griffin herself.**

**I am currently head chef at Trikru restaurant, where the dining experience has been described as ‘So good, Lex. So good.’ by the incomparable Clarke Griffin herself.**

**I would like to expand my previous Clarke Griffin experience as it is a subject I find interesting.**

**My extensive prior experience in dealing with the astounding Clarke Griffin herself,  as well as my exceptional people skills leave me confident that I can be an asset to your team.**

**I would appreciate the opportunity to further discuss the position with you and look forward to hearing from you.**

**Thank you,**

**Lexa Woods**

“Hey loser.” Lexa startled and looked up seeing an amused Anya half -draped across the reception desk. 

“What’s so captivating on the screen?”

“Nothing. Nothing.” Lexa defended as she made sure the email was sent and hurried to log out of the computer. “Headed out! You got front?” she called to the other volunteer who merely nodded in response.

Lexa stood up and stretched before she walked around the desk and nudged the prone Anya. “How was the whole talking about your feelings thing?”

Anya shrugged, “The usual.”

Lexa knew not to press it. Anya kept everything close to the chest, a trait she had even before she shipped off. Lexa began walking out of the building before noticing Anya wasn’t following. “Sticking around?” she called.

Anya straightened up and nodded, “Couple of the guys wanna play table tennis.”

“Gonna lose?”

“Please.” She said rolling her eyes.

Lexa laughed and walked back only to outstretch her fist which Anya met in a fist bump. “See ya at home.”

“Later loser.”

Lexa made it three steps before Anya called out, “Don’t have too much fun with your girlfriend.”

Lexa blushed furiously and refused to look back at Anya who she could hear chuckling even after the door closed behind her.

 

 

_Lexa sat at the front of the school waiting like she did every day for her mother to pick her up. At fourteen she was already more jaded than most._

_The teachers who were aware of the obvious neglect and mistreatment she suffered at the hands of her mother now only gave sympathetic glances as they walked by her on their ways home._

_Lexa didn’t blame them._

_They simply weren’t paid enough to care. And if they did care by the time school let out, the care was beaten out of them by the tensions within the student body._

_Azgeda high school, straddled a fine line between the privileged and the not and the divisions were clear cut._

_Lexa’s first day of high school was a lesson on just how fine this line was. It had started with Lexa being ‘accidentally’ pushed into the lockers to the raucous laughter of her assailant, Caris’ friends. It had ended with Caris’ broken nose and Lexa’s suspension. Within a week Caris who had miraculously avoided punishment was on the JV cheerleading squad and Lexa had earned the ire of the richer half the school._

_She didn’t mind though, because while she wasn’t particularly friends with the half that didn’t hate her, she knew they had her back._

_Six months into freshman year and nothing had changed._

_Anya was still gone._

_Her mother was still awful._

_Her father was still useless._

_“So you’re just gonna sit there like a loser?” A voice drawled out startling her and she spun her head around._

_Murphy._

_The Junior kid who was hated by everyone because he went out of his way to make sure everyone hated him._

_“Fuck off.” Lexa said not interested in the pretense of politeness if he wasn’t._

_“Huh, got some spunk in you, freshman.” He said with a grin._

_“What part of fuck off was unclear?”_

_“The part where I chose to ignore it probably. Want some?” He asked sitting down in one of the concrete benches across from Lexa and wiggling a black flask with a skull and crossbones design in front of her._

_“You’re drinking in front of the school?” Lexa asked in disbelief._

_She wasn’t exactly one to follow the rules but she certainly didn’t go around asking for trouble. Murphy simply shrugged and took a swig before he grimaced and held it out again for her. “Why are you being nice to me?”_

_He smirked mirthlessly and responded honestly stunning Lexa, “No one wants to be lonely.”_

_Lexa was quiet for a moment before she expressed her doubt again, “You’re a jackass to everyone you meet and you’re complaining about being lonely?”_

_“Fine.” He muttered before her stood up and began walking away._

_“Wait!” Lexa called standing up and taking a few steps to grab his jacket before she whisked the flask away from his hands and took a swig of the liquid._

_To say she was surprised by the burn was an understatement she managed to get a large gulp down before the sting of it overcame her and she erupted into coughs. Murphy, who had been surprised by her actions burst into laughter at her current state despite Lexa’s half-hearted attempts to swat him._

_“Is it supposed to try to kill you?” Lexa choked out, throat still raw._

_“You get used to it.” He said demonstrating by appropriating the flask from Lexa and taking a practiced swig._

_“I’ve only ever tasted beer and not much of that.” Lexa confessed._

_“This is better. Lexa, meet Jim Beam. Jim Beam, Lexa.” Lexa scowled to cover up her amusement at his antics.“You know my name?” She asked._

_He laughed, “Everyone knows the girl who kicked ass on her first day of high school.”_

_“Great.” Lexa muttered._

_“It was pretty badass. I’ve been meaning to congratulate you.”_

_“So get to it and give me some more of that.” Lexa declared boldly._

_“I like you, freshman.” Murphy said with a laugh as he handed the flask back to Lexa._

_By the time Lexa’s Mother arrived to pick her up, Murphy had walked off to wherever the hell he came from and Lexa’s head was swimming pleasantly._

_“..fucking ungrateful bitch..”_

_“..I work hard..”_

_Lexa couldn’t bring herself to pay attention to whatever her mother was spewing today. She always found something to be unhappy about in Lexa or her father or the numerous men she cheated on her father with or the bank teller or the grocer but mostly Lexa._

_And for once, Lexa didn’t give a shit._

 

 

Lexa generally liked to be early to everything.

Or rather she was early to everything she was nervous about.

This was no exception.

She found herself at Raven’s door ringing the bell fourty five minutes before they were supposed to meet. Maybe a bit excessively early she thought to herself before she rang the bell.

“Lexa, hey!” Finn greeted upon opening the door before pulling her into a hug. “How’s everything?” 

“Good. Good. You?” Lexa responded as she walked into the door he held open. 

“Great, headed to a game with the guys.” He said gesturing to his company softball jersey.

“How’s the team doing?”

“Ugh.” He sighed, leading her to the living room, “We’re getting slaughtered. Not the best for office morale on Mondays.”

“No I’ll bet it isn’t.”

“Might help if we had some cheering in the stands.”

Lexa let out a laugh at his raised eyebrow and dopey grin. “Okay. Okay.” She protested with her hands held out, “Hint taken. Expect Anya and I at the next one.”

“Anya! Great! She’s way better than you at cheering!” He ducked as Lexa swatted his arm and bounded off into the next room.

“Louder and meaner isn’t better. I like to not be horrible to the other team thank you very much.” She called uselessly after him before turning to survey the room.

She liked Finn and Raven’s house, it made them seem so ‘adult’ but the assortment of car magazines scattered on the table, video games on the floor by the humongous tv, and band/movie posters that adorned the walls out it firmly in the ‘young’ block of ‘adult’.

“Where’s Raven?” she called as she sat gingerly down on the couch.

“Not here.” He called back unhelpfully. Lexa rolled her eyes at the response and grabbed one of the car magazines flipping though it aimlessly and she sat back further on the couch.

“You’re early.” Finn observed as he came back into the room with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. “Like really early.”

Lexa shrugged and tried to hide the colouring of her cheeks. “In the neighbourhood.” She lied, ignoring the skeptical look on Finn’s face.

“Cool, well, make yourself at home, you know where everything is. Rae should be home soon.” He tossed over his shoulder as he headed to the front door.

She heard the door open and then, “Clarke!” the surprised voice of Finn called out.

Lexa startled and sat up nervously.

“Hey.” She heard the low voice of the girl.

Lexa couldn’t see them from this angle but her heart sped up at the mere presence of Clarke a few feet away from her.

“God!” She heard Finn exclaim, “I haven’t seen you since..”

“My promotion ceremony, yeah.” Clarke finished.

“And that wasn’t even really..”

“Yeah.”

Lexa’s felt a pang of guilt at their conversation and their tone. She hated that the breakup had impacted Raven and Finn’s relationship with Clarke. She drew a shuddering breath and gripped the magazine tighter.

“How’ve you been?”

“Good. Better. How about you ‘Mr. I planned a picnic to the observatory and popped the question with a spectacular rock?”

Finn chuckled, “I’ve been great! Glad that my months of looking at every ring imaginable paid off.”

“Oh they paid off, that thing blinds me every time I see it. Where is it now? I mean I want to see Raven too off course.”

“Right.” And even from the living room Lexa knew Finn was rolling his eyes. “She’s not here. You’re weirdly early. Just like Lexa.”

“Lexa’s here?” Lexa’s heart beat even faster at the way Clarke said her name and she tried desperately to will it to slow.

“Yeah. In the living room. Hey, I gotta go. Got a game. Make yourself at home, Raven’s probably on her way.” Finn spoke, voice fading as he seemed to step out of the house.

“Yeah okay. Good luck on your game.”

“Thanks! We need it.” Called his muffled voice.

Lexa kept her eyes on the magazine in her hands as she heard the door shut and then nothing for a long moment before footsteps approached and Clarke appeared in her periphery.

“You expect me to believe you didn’t know I got here and you didn’t listen to my conversation with Finn because you’re reading about..” Clarke husked before she walked over and lightly took the magazine off Lexa’s hands, “..rear-drive sensations?” She finished with a snort.

Lexa grinned, caught and simply stood up still avoiding Clarke’s eyes with a shrug and a small, “Hey Clarke.”

“Hey Lex.”

Lexa looked up and was met with Clarke’s amused blue eyes and nervous lip bite.

She was stunning.

Clarke tossed, the magazine carelessly onto the coffee table, eyes never leaving Lexa and without warning, wrapped her arms around Lexa and pulled her into a hug. Lexa could smell her body wash and shampoo and feel her warm arms circled around her neck and she swore she could live on that alone but then suddenly the blonde pulled back with a musical laugh and Lexa knew she wanted more.

“Hey, dork.” Clarke teased standing for a moment arms still outstretched as if she wanted to hug Lexa again before she shook her head and plopped down onto the couch.

“Hey, you.” Lexa responded, sinking down onto the couch and mirroring Clarke’s half-turned position.

She looked on as Clarke glanced briefly around the living room. “Looks the same.” Clarke observed casually, “Except maybe for that magazine that you were reading. That’s new.”

“That’s why I was reading it. Been keeping up lately.” Lexa managed and Clarke’s face lit up with a green as her blue eyes focused on Lexa.

Still feeling guilt over Finn and Clarke’s conversation, she spoke up again, “Finn came to your…”

“Yeah.”

“Raven never..”

“She didn’t come. I don’t even think Finn’s ever gotten around to telling her he came.”

“Sorry.” She muttered.

Clarke quietly regarded her for a moment as Lexa did her best to remain calm under her gaze.

“Don’t be.” Clarke finally spoke up softly. Lexa swallowed at her tone and nodded vigourously. “Seriously.” Clarke insisted stretching her hand out to cover Lexa’s and forcing her to meet her eye,  “Don’t be.”

Lexa nodded again, eyes caught up in Clarke’s, the feeling of the circles Clarke was rubbing in her skin filling her with excitement yet at the same time calming her. She sank sideways further into the side of the couch, and let her gaze rest on Clarke’s face aware that the blonde was doing the same.

“Hey.” She said softly and watched as the blonde’s face split into a wide grin.

“Hey.”

“How’s your day?” Lexa queried directing her gaze to their still joined hands.

“Took a couple of hours off work for this so I’ll be at the station late tonight making up.”

“That’s no fun.”

“No. It’s definitely not the most fun thing I can think of. How about you?” She chuckled.

“Spent the morning at the VA with the sister, work later.”

“How is the sister?”

“The usual.” Lexa responded eliciting a laugh from Clarke.

“But good day so far? Lexa asked, willing herself not to blush at Clarke’s laugh.

“Better now.” The low response came and Lexa’s eyes snapped up to meet Clarke’s as her heart accelerated.

Clarke smiled slightly before she took a deep breath and looked down, “Do you..” she began.

The sound of a throat clearing had them springing apart abruptly as they both turned to a smirking Raven.

“H..hey Raven.” Clarke stuttered.

“Why hello Clarke.” Raven responded gleefully before turning to Lexa, “Hello, Lexa. I thought I’d have time to run to the store for some groceries and be back in plenty of time but boy how wrong was I?”

Unfazed by the lack of response from Clarke and Lexa she put her grocery bags down and grabbed a large book that had been sitting on the top of the bookshelf in the corner before she plopped down between the two women.

“I’m very glad to see that you are both so eager to help me wedding plan. I mean, why else would you show up so early?” Raven teased as she opened the book.

“You have a wedding book?” Clarke asked through a blush.

Raven nodded and turned to the first page where nearly illegible handwriting introduced the book as ‘Raven’s wedding book for her wedding to Floppy Finn by O. Blake.’

“Octavia made it as a joke in the 8th grade and then we just kept adding pages until it was a real plan.”

The room was silent as the burden of the present weighed on the three women.

“I can talk about her you know. Us growing apart, if you will, doesn’t erase the fact that we are..were..”

“You never showed me this side of you Raven.” Clarke teased, eyes on Lexa who immediately hummed in agreement sensing Clarke’s panic over the current conversation.

“What can I say, it’s gross, kinda like how you two were before I walked in.” Raven shot back.

And despite the heavy blush that overtook her, Lexa was glad for the subject change. “Let’s talk food. I have so many ideas.” she spoke up.

“Calm down Lexa.” Raven said rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, relax Lex. Take a chill pill.” Clarke added with a wink.

“Take a..” Lexa huffed in indignation, “I’m being perfectly calm. Just have a few questions and ideas. How many courses were we thinking? Are you opposed to edible spoons to serve appetizers on?”

Clarke’s laugh ringing out melodiously spurred Lexa on into voicing a string of ideas that eventually had Raven laughing along with her.

 

“So Octavia called me.” Clarke spoke as she and Lexa walked languidly down the street after leaving Raven’s house.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Last night. Right after we talked.”

“What’d she say?”

“Oh you know. Said I was a terrible friend and partner for not telling her about the wedding.”

“Sorry Clarke.” Lexa spoke, coming to a stop and turning to her.

Clarke shrugged as she looked at the houses that lined the street. “For what? It’s her fault you know?”

“It is?” Lexa asked cautiously.

“Yup. She’s insisted on alienating everyone cause she’s pissed off. She was horrible to you.” Lexa shrugged dismissively. “She’s been horrible to Raven. She’s gonna be horrible to me. Whatever, I’m over it. I don’t have time to cater to her tantrums.” Clarke ranted before she began walking again.

Lexa stood still and watched as Clarke walked a few yards away before she turned to Lexa with a puzzled look.

“Lexa?”

“Clarke.” Lexa sighed, “You don’t mean any of that.”

Clarke’s face was soft for a second before it hardened and she stormed over to Lexa. “ _You_ don’t know anything about me and what I...” She began with her finger jabbed at Lexa’s chest pushing her backwards before she trailed off losing her heat.

Lexa nodded, at a loss for what to say and looked away from Clarke whose face was rapidly crumbling to look at the high school kids who had just alighted from the school bus. She frowned realizing what time it must before glancing at her wristwatch to confirm the time.

“I should go. Work.” She stated as her eyes remained firmly on the watch.

Smooth fingers blocked the face of her watch and lightly grasped her wrist and she felt their soft counterparts on Clarke’s other hand lift her chin until she met Clarke’s remorseful eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

Lexa nodded and directed her gaze back to the kids that were excitedly talking and shoving each other as they walked to the respective homes. 

“Lexa.” She met Clarke’s gaze again when she felt those fingers tap her chin. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Lexa finally spoke, echoing Clarke’s earlier words. “You’re in a weird position.”

Clarke dropped the hand on her chin and moved the other one from her wrist to lightly intertwine their fingers. “Doesn’t give me the right to be a dingo.”

Lexa smiled at her words and watched as Clarke’s eyes lit up in return, while she gently twined their fingers further. Both women’s gazes snapped to their joined hands and they stood that way in their quiet bubble for several seconds.

Clarke sighed, “I feel..” she started and Lexa squeezed her fingers encouragingly. “I feel like crap about this all. Octavia..she..” Clarke tried before she raised her other hand to rub at her temple. “She’s stubborn like majorly stubborn but this..this is all a bit unfair to her. I’m being unfair to her. I fixed all of my…I’m trying to fix all of my relationships and I just kind of kept her out of the loop cause it was easier. But I mean, it’s just as much her loop as it is mine. I mean, did you see that book?”

Lexa nodded at the rhetorical question.

“This is all my fault.” Clarke blurted.

“What?”

“They were both my friends and I shouldn’t have been so selfish.”

“Selfish?” Lexa asked in disbelief.

“I could have been better about reaching out to Raven. I could have been less stubborn, gotten them to talk you know.”

“No. I don’t.” Lexa responded pointedly, “This isn’t your fault, Clarke. You’re driven to fix everything but you can’t fix this. _They_ need to put in the effort to fix _their_ relationship.”

Clarke nodded before she spoke a few moments later. “Octavia is _my_ partner and she’s mad at me.”

“Have you tried to talk to her since last night?”

“I tried to call her this morning but.. I don’t know.”

“She texted me.” Lexa spoke up when Clarke went silent.

Clarke looked up in shock. “She did?”

Lexa nodded. “She uh, she said she wanted to talk.”

“What did you say?”

“What could I say? The last time we talked things didn’t go great. I’m not too enthusiastic about repeating that.”

“When did you last talk?” Clarke asked trying to meet Lexa’s wandering eyes.

“When we were…when things were bad, with us, and you were trying to get her to talk to you.”

“You talked to her?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t know that.” Clarke whispered.

“Yeah.” Lexa responded with a nod. “So yeah..” She spoke a little louder breaking the spell they had fallen under, “I don’t know that it’s a good idea.”

Clarke murmured lightly, “I don’t blame you.”

Lexa nodded again wondering distractedly if there was a record for most nods that she could set.

“I have to go. Work.”

“Okay.” Clarke said shakily as she released Lexa’s hand.

“Okay.” Lexa echoed as she ignored the weird feeling in her hand now that it was empty. “Do you still have the same email?” she asked suddenly.

“Sure, why?” 

Lexa shrugged and put out a quick lie, “Wedding stuff that I might wanna send you and Raven.” 

“Mmkay.” Clarke responded distractedly and Lexa was overcome with the need to lighten the mood that had been muted by talk of Octavia. 

“Good afternoon, moon.” Lexa tried. 

“You..you did not just..That doesn’t even make sense!” Clarke huffed trying to fight back a smile.

“I did just. Thank you very much. And it makes total sense. The moon still exists in the day time Clarke, just so you know.” Lexa drawled.

“Dork.” Clarke teased as she pushed Lexa’s shoulder lightly before grabbing at her arm and pulling her in for a hug. 

A startled Lexa automatically put her arms around her and gripped her tightly savouring the warmth.

“This was fun.” Clarke said as she pulled back. 

“It was.” Lexa agreed with a wide smile.

 

_Lexa was a graduate._

_It felt like nothing._

_Lexa was seventeen going on eighteen._

_It felt like nothing._

_Lexa had no college prospects, no life prospects._

_It felt like nothing._

_The cup in her hand however, felt like everything._

_Her vision was swimming but there was a wide smile on her face as she made her way through the mix of kids whom she’d come to know over the years._

_They understood her._

_She didn’t have to explain._

_As she got to the kitchen, she caught sight of a clearly inebriated Murphy as he tried to talk to a girl while heavily leaning against the fridge._

_She’d never expected to have him as a best friend but he’d stuck by her through high school introducing her to his friends that Lexa had believed were fabricated due to his attitude. He’d gone on to stick around after high school, delivering pizzas and Lexa was grateful for at least one good constant in her life._

_Lexa watched as he kept trying despite the fact that the girl was looking at him more pityingly than anything._

_With a smile Lexa walked up and tapped the girl on the shoulder and nodded at the exit with a wink, “Run. I got him.”_

_Her shoulders relaxed in obvious relief and she flashed a grateful smile at Lexa before scurrying off._

_“Hey! Jerk!” Murphy protested._

_“If you can stand straight for more than three seconds, I’ll apologize.” Lexa said walking towards the cabinets, not even bothering to look and see if he’d succeed. She was proven right in her doubts when she heard the sound of a falling body and turned to see and indignant Murphy on the floor._

_“I hate you.” He muttered._

_“Are you hungry?” She asked ignoring his comment._

_“Oh my God! You’re cooking. I love you!” Lexa chuckled at his eagerness and grabbed several ingredients and spices._

_She watched Murphy struggle to stand out of the corner of her eye as she grabbed a frying pan and set it on the stove._

_“Guys! She’s cooking!” Murphy called out excitedly. There was a commotion as the crowd grew louder and all tried to cram in the kitchen throwing excited requests at Lexa. Lexa chuckled and opened to see what she had to work with._

_“I can’t make escargot with leftover fried rice and lasagna.” Lexa responded with a laugh to one of the more ridiculous requests._

_She pulled out the various leftovers, refreshed her drink and set to work cooking for the eager masses that crowded the small space._

_“You should do this for a living you know?” Murphy lazily spoke up as he leaned against the counter next to Lexa._

_“Yeah!” a voice called out and was joined by a chorus of agreements._

_“We’d be your best customers!”_

_“You could make escargot all the time!”_

_Lexa paused to shoot a glare at them before she replied, “You all know you’d have to pay for the food I would make if I worked at a restaurant.”_

_Their groaning at the realization sent her into a wide smile that she hid by busying herself with making their food._

_She didn’t bother to hide the smile that broke out when they were all standing around as they messily ate and moaned exaggeratedly about how her food was life-saving._

 

 

“Are we trying to get this food out today?” Lexa asked as she made her way past her chefs, while peering over their work.

The groans her words elicited made her grin almost maniacally as she returned her own station chopped up the meat that sat in the cutting board with practiced hands.

It was a busy day, hence her increased presence in the kitchen when she would normally be in her office planning the menu or figuring out work schedules. Though she wouldn’t admit it if asked, she loved days like this where she had to be in the kitchen. They reminded her of the many years of the constant hustle and bustle she endured before rising up the ranks. She also didn’t mind the opportunity to tease her sous chefs about their speed or lack thereof.

“Miller.” She called.

“Yes, commander.” He responded as he quickly appeared at her side.

Lexa rolled her eyes at the nickname which seemed to follow her around no matter which kitchen she worked in. She was highly respected in the city even with the setback that her increased dependence on alcohol had caused. The Trikru restaurant manager had been reluctant to hire her at first having heard the whispers around town but Lexa’s past experience, tenacity, and candour with regards to her recovery process ultimately swayed the decision in Lexa’s favour.

“My phone is in my left jacket pocket. Can you pull it out and open the camera app?” She asked brusquely, never taking her eyes off her task.

“Oookay?” Miller responded as he retrieved said phone. “What now?”

“Hit record video.”

Lexa waited until the familiar video record tone sounded before she began using her knife to slice the onions and garlic that she had added to the beef on the chopping board with incredible speed. She chopped up and down the board while spinning her knives around and drumming put a beat before using her spatula and knife to maneuver the onions into the chopped beef and easily transferring the meat into the pot beside her that suddenly erupted with a large flame before settling.

Calmly, she put her utensils down before turning to the camera with a smirk. “Oh, and did I mention I’m a great conversationalist too?” she drawled slyly before she winked and signaled that Miller could stop recording.

“Thanks.” She said as she bounded over to the sink and washed off her hands. “Take over.” She said nodding to the pot as she toweled herself of and grabbed the phone from his hands as he looked at her in disbelief.

“Commander, why are you like this?” he grumbled and assentive noises rose from the rest of the chefs in the kitchen who’d watched the display.

Lexa tried valiantly to hide her smile as she made sure the video was safely saved.

When she looked up Bryan, one of her waiters had just walked up to her but was distracted by the sight of his boyfriend who was working away at the station beside him. Lexa raised an eyebrow and despite his preoccupation, he sensed her attention and turned to speak up, “Customer sent back the Snapper. Said it was too spicy.”

Lexa cocked her head, put off, “Same customer who sent the Red Snapper back five minutes ago for being too bland.?”

Bryan nodded warily and the mood in the kitchen shifted.

Lexa’s tenure so far at Trikru had been short, only 3 months, but her chefs already knew her well and a challenge to her crew was not something that went over well. 

She was quiet for a moment, pondering, before she spoke in a clipped voice, “I’ll make the damn thing myself.” 

Lexa was more than confident in the abilities of her team and they knew it but she wanted to confront the customer with the knowledge that the meal was extraordinary.

And it was going to be extraordinary.

 

 

_The tapping noise was getting louder but Lexa ignored it. She didn’t have to get up until her alarm rang. She turned in the car seat trying to burrow into it more comfortably and felt the familiar wooziness of the alcohol still in her system._

_The tapping noise was insistent though and finally Lexa couldn’t bear it anymore. She sat up and glared at the source of the sound and was met with the frowning face of Gustus. She rubbed her eyes tiredly while gesturing for Gustus to move away so she could open the door. With a sigh she opened the door and stepped out shivering at the cold outside._

_“You know you have an apartment to sleep in right?”_

_Lexa shrugged noncommittally before she was struck with a sense of déjà vu._

_Over a year prior, Gustus had knocked on the window of her beat up Honda Civic to wake her out of a drunken stupor. Of course then, her second hand Honda was newly bought with all of her savings from her 2 jobs as a line cook and served as both her means of transportation and her home._

_She’d been intimidated by the large man outside her window, who’d simply been checking to see if she was okay. A conversation later and she determined he was a teddy bear. A teddy bear who offered her a room in the apartment her shared with his friend Nyko._

_The promise of cheap rent and the allure of not having to sleep in her car or occasionally sleep on Murphy and Co.’s couch was enough to have her agreeing eagerly._

_“Too tired to make it up the stairs.” Lexa finally answered realizing she had been quiet._

_Gustus raised a worried eyebrow no doubt smelling the alcohol on her._

_He always worried after her._

_Lexa knew that she was working herself to death._

_Wake up, work for hours in the kitchen without a break, drink, sleep._

_Repeat._

_It wasn’t the healthiest schedule but it was getting Lexa further up the ranks. And when she was not falling down exhausted, she couldn’t help but be proud of her achievements._

_“What’s up?” She asked, ignoring his concern._

_“Someone here for you.” He stated, with a sigh. “Told her to sit in the living room and I’d go grab you from the neighbour’s place.”_

_“Thanks.” Lexa said sheepishly, “Wait who is it?”_

_“Blonde, angry, military uniform.”  Lexa was already halfway up the stairs before Gustus was done speaking. She ran eagerly down the hallway and threw the door open, eyes frantically searching the room before the landed on her sister._

_“Anya.” Lexa let out voice muffled in the sudden hug she found herself engulfed in. “You’re back.” She felt Anya’s head move against hers in a nod. “For good?” Lexa ventured, voice cracking. Another nod in confirmation._

_They stood that way for a couple of minutes before Anya pulled back and wiped at Lexa’s tears. “Hey kid.”_

_“I’m not a kid!” Lexa insisted to the laughter of a gleeful Anya._

_An alarm sounded startling both of the women. “Shit, it's time for work.”_

_“Go.”_

_Lexa shook her head silencing her alarm on her phone. “No. You’re here I wanna..”_

_“Go.”_

_“But..”_

_“Go, you’re doing so well. Go.”_

_Lexa frowned and shook her head seriously._

_“Go. I’ll be here when you get back.”_

_“Yeah?” Lexa asked hating herself for how weak she seemed._

_“I’ll be here.” Anya confirmed rolling her eyes and with a laugh Lexa pulled her into another hug._

 

 

A printed picture of John Murphy was tacked on the board that hung above Lexa’s computer on her desk. It showed him with a wide smile and an arm thrown around a large man in a Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts and a floppy tourist hat with the ocean stretching behind them.

Murphy sent her a new picture of himself with a random tourist every couple of weeks and wrote about how much of a burden ‘celebrity life’ was and how he constantly had to interact with his fans.

Lexa smirked at the photo, taken years ago when he had just began his job as a stand-up comedian on cruise ships.

It had been a whim, to follow his passion in such a drastic way and it paid off as he had moved fairly quickly from the relatively unknown cruise liner he started with up to a big-name luxury one and accumulated a throng of fans along the way.

A ping drew her eyes from the picture and to the computer screen where she saw that her video had finished transferring from her phone. She quickly added it to the file share folder that she had created entitled ‘Audition Package: Lexa Woods’ where it made itself at home with the resume and cover letter already housed there.

With an eager grin she copied the folder link into a new email and drafted up an email to Clarke. She sat back admiring the final result before she hit send with a chuckle as she imagined the blonde’s reaction to the email.

**Clarke Griffin Inc. Hiring Team,**

**See below link to audition package.  Thank you again for your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon.**

** Audition Package: Lexa Woods **

**Regards,**

**Lexa Woods**

She sat back as she watched the email send and relaxed in her chair reveling in the quiet of the office that she had escaped to. She looked around at the folders that lined her desk with a sigh, she might as well get some work done now since she was already back here. She grabbed some of the schedules and began busying herself when a knock at her door had her looking up.

“Yeah.” She called and watched as the door open to reveal a timid Bryan.

“Commander, the customer with the snapper..” Lexa’s brow raised before indignation replaced her surprise.

“That snapper was excellent.”

“I know.” Bryan acquiesced as he backed up to avoid Lexa who had stood up to make her way out of the office.

“So good. I tasted it, you know.”

“I know.”

“I mean, I made it.”

“I know.”

She walked into the kitchen mid-rant, aware that the eyes of her crew were on her. “How many snappers went out today?”

“Umm four so far.” Miller answered.

“Any complaints on the rest?”

“No.” came the chorus of frustrated answers from the crew.

They hated it as much as she did when customers were unreasonable. She came to a stop and Bryan who had been closely following her walked into her back.

“Sorry. Sorry.” He sputtered out. But Lexa hardly noticed as she swiveled around, “How do I look?” She asked as she straightened her uniform.

“Great.” Her crew responded once again in unison.

“I know.” She responded with a smirk before she exited the kitchen, indicating for Bryan to lead her to the customer. She heard the groans of the crew as she walked out and Miller’s voice calling out, “Commander, why are you like this?” and the lightness it elicited gave her extra fuel to face the customer.

She followed Bryan until he stopped and nodded towards a table and she felt herself grow cold. “Thanks Bryan.” She said, eyes still on the table’s occupant who met her gaze with a coldness of her own.

She vaguely registered him moving away and was still for a second before she approached the table and sat down. She could feel the gazes of the customers around them who no doubt found the sight of a chef sitting at a table odd but she ignored them in favour of staring the brunette who sat across her down.

“Octavia.” She began with gritted teeth, “This is my place of work.”

“I texted you.”

“This is my place of work.”

“I need to talk to you”

“Octavia, what part of this is my place of w..”

“Relax.” She said looking around at the neighbouring tables, I talked to myself enough about my meds needing to be replaced that your precious customers see me as the villain in this story.”

“It’s not the only story you’re the villain in.” Lexa muttered immediately regretting her words at the quickly masked hurt in Octavia’s expression. “Sorry. That was shitty of me. It’s just..everything and..” Lexa sighed pulling her chef’s hat off her head, “This is my place of work.”

“Let’s go outside.” Octavia suggested and Lexa found herself following her out of the door and into the square that was enclosed by several  stores and restaurants and they walked wordlessly for a minute before settling on a bench.

“The Red Snapper really was good. Like really good.” Octavia offered.

“Octavia, what do you want?” Lexa asked disinterested in small talk.

“My best friend is getting married.” Octavia said in a dull tone.

“I’ve heard.” Lexa bit out, uncomfortably.

“You’ve more than heard.”

“Yeah.” Lexa sighed as she sat forward and watched the foot traffic in the strip mall.

“You and Clarke are buddied up recently.”

“Do you want me to stay away from her?” Lexa asked incredulously.

“No…I don’t know.”

Lexa sighed again in frustration, “Octavia, what do you want from me right now?”

“My best friend is getting married.”

“We’ve established that.”

“I didn’t even hear it from her.”

Lexa hummed unsure of what to say.

“Lexa can you imagine that? I mean think about it. Imagine if Anya were to get married..”

“It’s not quite the same.” Lexa interrupted.

“I’ve known Raven since middle..”

“It’s not the same, Octavia.” Lexa said firmly before she softened and relented, “But I get how big of a deal it is. It’s..”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Lexa echoed.

“You know, Clarke’s a great driver.” Octavia spoke up.

Lexa turned to her with a raised brow.“She used to drag race when she was a reckless teenager.” She offered.

Octavia laughed, “Did she really? She told me that once and I didn’t believe it.”

“She showed me pictures and everything.” Lexa confirmed with a proud smile.

“Great driver.” Octavia repeated.

“Yup.” Lexa agreed.

“I’m not the best driver.” Octavia admitted sheepishly, “Especially under pressure.”

“Okay.” Lexa spoke quietly.

“So this one day she comes in and looks like absolute crap. Asks me to drive and I’m like okay. Everything’s fine till we get a call. A four fifty nine.”

Lexa cocked her head in a silent question.

“Burglary.” Octavia clarified before continuing. “We get there get out go up to the place then suddenly two perps are running out. They get to their car and drive off in no time. Griff and I hop in and I’m driving as fast as I can. But like I said. Not the greatest driver in the world. They take a couple crazy turns through some alleyways and I lose control. Knock right into a wall on Clarke’s side. Blood everywhere and she’s not responding. I’m so scared. So scared. When she responds, it’s to throw up and I’m so fucking terrified.”

Lexa’s eyes were wide as she listened to the woman’s words. She’d never realized how bad the situation was.

Clarke had come home and been seemingly fine. And Lexa had had the audacity to be angry at her.

“Fuck.” She said quietly as she hung her head.

“We get to the hospital and I’m sitting in the waiting room fucking terrified.” Octavia continued. “It didn’t take too long but it felt like hours when they finally come out and say she’s fine. By then everyone’s in the waiting room. They’re all relieved but I still feel like shit. I let my partner down. Got her hurt. And I’m busy feeling sorry for myself when the doc asks who was driving. So I explain it all and the chief is standing right by me and I feel like I shouldn’t be a cop. I can’t even fucking chase after suspects. Suddenly the doc gives me this look like he’s sympathizing with me. And he says, something about how it might not have turned out much different given her level of intoxication. And it all goes to hell. Chief’s asking all these questions and I’m just reeling. Because my partner. My fucking partner just let me down so badly. And I’m so mad. I’m so mad at her. But I’m still worried. And she’s still my partner who’s been through so much with me."

Octavia paused before taking a breath, "So I’m madder at you. It’s easier that way. It’s easier to forgive her. Logic tells me now..it told me then too but I didn’t listen. Clarke’s a big girl. She drank those drinks and she came to work that day and lord knows how many times before that but she knew better. But we’ve been through so much together and even though you were with her for years it was easier to dismiss you. Especially since I wasn’t crazy about you to begin with.”

Lexa nodded dumbly, unable to form words.

Octavia sighed out loud and ran a hand through her hair, mussing it up before she turned to Lexa with a grimace. “You know, me disliking you had nothing to do with you.”

“It didn’t?”

“I would have hated anyone she dated. It’s tough to be with someone in this line of work let alone have love like you guys did. She was so into you. Still is I’m sure. Feelings like those don’t just go away.”

Lexa shook her head in denial but Octavia, mid-ramble, paid her no mind.

“I just knew it would end in heart-break. To be a cop you have to be strong. You have to survive.”

“Shouldn’t life be about more than just surviving?” Lexa surprised herself by asking.

Octavia nodded, “It should.” She agreed in a small voice, “Why do you think I’m so beat up? I didn’t realize how much I needed Raven. How much she gave me strength.”

“You should talk to her.”

“I should.”

“You know she thinks she can make up from not stopping her mom from drinking herself to death by helping you.”

“Okay whoa.” Lexa defended, ready to walk away.

“But she can’t.”

"Okay..well..I..”

“Do you know how many times I watched her break when her mom would relapse?”

“No. I don’t.” Lexa responded quietly.

“The answer is a fuck ton. And Finn was there for the million more breakdowns that preceded that.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t wanna see that happen again.”

“Neither do I, Octavia.”

Octavia’s scoff at Lexa’s words turned into a guffaw before she composed herself and spoke, “Dependence is a tricky thing, Lexa.”

“I’m well aware, Octavia.”

The two women sat silently in the wake of those words and Lexa thought the conversation might be over when Octavia spoke up again, “She’s happier you know?”

“What?”

“Clarke. She’s happier now she's talking to you again.”

“Oh. Okay.” Lexa managed, feeling the effects of whiplash from Octavia’s back and forth.

“Bellamy says you’re better. I don’t think I believe that. I don’t know if I’ll ever believe that.”

“Fair enough.” Lexa responded, tired out by the conversation.

“I’m not on your side.”

“Okay.”

“I’m not against you either.”

“Okay.” And with that both women wordlessly stood up and went their separate ways.

 

 

_“Octavia” Lexa called out at the brunette woman as she watched the brunette slam her fist over and over into the punching bag._

_Octavia stopped for a moment, mid punch, turning to the sound. A confused look crossed her face when she spotted Lexa. Confusion gave way to anger and she advanced on Lexa quickly as she used her teeth to undo the velcro on her gloves and threw said gloves over her head and to the mat she had been training on._

_“Will you look who it is. Looking to join the gym? I could use a replacement for my bag over there.” She spat with a gesture at the bag that was still swinging from her punches._

_Lexa had expected this._

_She’d expected the aggression._

_Clarke had mentioned frequently in the midst of their conversations or rather arguments that Octavia was furious at both her and Clarke._

_“Can we talk?” Lexa asked, trying to stand up straighter under Octavia’s harsh gaze._

_“No, you..” Octavia started before she trailed off even closer, “Are you drunk?” she laughed disbelievingly._

_Lexa shrunk closer to the door of the boxing gym._

_“I can’t even…You’re coming to talk to me while drunk?” She laughed again before becoming serious._

_“What the fuck do you want Lexa?”_

_“Clarke is..”_

_“You want to talk to me about Clarke?” Octavia asked lowly with a raised brow and the shaking of her taped fists._

_“Clarke, who backed me up when she was drunk? Clarke who’s always drunk because of you?”_

_Lexa flinched as Octavia got closer and closer but stood her ground. “Clarke’s sorry, you know she would never try to compromise..”_

_“But she did! She did compromise everything. How many times has her judgement been impaired? Every time we didn’t catch a perp? Every time we had problems out there in..”_

_“You can’t blame Clarke for that! It’s the nature of the job. Things go wrong.” Lexa protested heatedly._

_“You’re telling me about my job?” Octavia asked threateningly._

_Lexa stood quietly starting to get the feeling that this had been a fool’s errand._

_“I can’t blame her for everything that’s ever gone wrong, you’re right. But I’m rethinking through all of our patrols and calls and all the times I thought, ‘Oh Clarke’s having an off day’ ‘Clarke’s a little sick today’ ‘Clarke’s tired’. Lexa there were real consequences. There were real calls that should have gone differently.”_

_Lexa nodded and took a step back, almost sickened by Octavia’s proximity. Her vision swam for a second with the action and she realized she might have underestimated the level of her inebriation. She nodded again to clear her thoughts. “She’s trying..”_

_“You know Lexa, I’m not the biggest fan of you.”_

_“No shit, you’ve been vocal about it more than once over the years.”_

_Octavia nodded as she chased Lexa’s averted gaze._ _“I love Clarke and there’s no doubt she loves you but you’re a distraction. Once you become a cop, you are always a cop. You don’t go home and turn it off. You have to always be alert, aware…Clarke isn’t those things with you. She just isn’t.”_

_“I didn’t come here to talk about me. Look you should see Clarke, she’s trying…”_

_“I don’t know if I can forgive..”_

_“Just talk to her. Please. She’s still Clarke.” Lexa pleaded for the last time expecting fully to be rejected._

_She was surprised when Octavia’s face softened as she fidgeted with the tape on her hands for a moment before she spoke up. “Yeah I’ll talk to her.”_

_Lexa silently sighed in relief before she nodded again and began to make her way out of the gym._

_“You know what the one good thing about you is Lexa?” Lexa stopped and tensed but didn’t turn around. “You genuinely care about her. You really do.” Octavia finished with a light chuckle._

_Lexa turned to face her with a frown on her face._

_“I mean, Bell says you guys aren’t doing too hot. But you’re here. Drunk and probably sore from sleeping on the couch but here.”_

_Lexa looked down, embarrassed before she spoke up. “Just because..”_

_“You know what the worst thing about you is?” Octavia interrupted as she walked over to retrieve her gloves. “And believe me there are many terrible things. But the worst of all of them..The worst thing is that you’re what’s bad for her. You care about her and worry about her but you’re what fucks her up. How ironic is that?”_

_Lexa shuddered as she took a deep breath and walked away to the sound of the bitter laugh that Octavia let out and her words echoing in her head._

 

 

_“Lexa, hey.”_

“Bellamy. How are you?”

_“Uh oh.”_

“What?”

_"That's your uh oh tone.”_

“Are you still at work?” Lexa asked hearing the sound of rustling papers. She heard his sigh on the other line.

_“Yeah, no rest for the wicked.”_

“It’s almost 10pm!”

_“And?”_

“You know, I kinda wanted to be a lawyer when I was younger.”

 _“Did you really?”_

“Yup, and now since meeting you, I thank my lucky stars I never pursued it.” She said with a chuckle.

 _“Hey! You just got off work!”_ He protested.

“Yeah, but I started at around three and you..hold on let me guess..7am.”

“ _Well, 6.30 but that’s unimportant.”_

“Bellamy! You’re going to kill yourself.”

_“It’s a difficult case!”_

“Which reminds me! I’m mad at you.”

_“Your uh oh tone. I knew it!”_

“No heads up that Octavia was gonna show up at my restaurant?”

_“C’mon she’s a cop! She knows how to find people.”_

“Bellamy.”

_“Fine! I gave her your number and the name of the restaurant. And your schedule.”_

“Gee thanks.”

 _“She could have found it herself you know.”_  

“It’s the betrayal that stings.”

_“She’s my sister!”_

“She’s _my_ greatest enemy.”

_“You’re being dramatic.”_

“Maybe a little but ugh that was not a fun conversation.”

 _“What’d she say?”_ “Doesn’t matter.” Lexa dismissed as she heard the chime of her text tone.

_“You called me to complain about a call that ‘doesn’t matter’?”_

“Just…a heads up would have been nice.” Lexa said distractedly as she opened up the text.

**Monty: Online’s been buggy. Why don’t you come over?**

_“Lexa?”_

“Huh?”

_“I just said sorry like five times are you mad?”_

“No, I just..Monty just texted me. Said to come over.”

_“For the game night thing? Don’t you usually do that online?”_

“Yeah he said he’s having connection problems.”

_“Okay. You gonna go?”_

“Yeah but he’s lying?”

_“About the connection problems?”_

“Yeah. Definitely.”

_“So he wants to talk. Cool.”_

“Yeah cool, except for the fact that I haven’t seen him or Jasper in..”

_“Stop worrying about it and just go.”_

“Yeah, okay.” Lexa responded, feeling lightheaded.

_“Go get ‘em tiger.”_

“Please don’t ever..”

_“No I’m with you. Let’s pretend I never said that.”_

 

 

_Bellamy sat sulking across the couch from her with his eyes trained at the tv on the opposite wall which was off and completely avoided looking at Lexa.“You know you would think that since she organized this, she would be here.” He finally spoke up._

_“She got held up with paperwork, you know how these things go.”_

_“How are you liking the place?” he asked mockingly._

_Lexa sighed, not interested in playing his passive aggressive game. “I know you think it’s too soon.”_

_“You’re damn right it’s too soon! You’ve been dating five months, who moves in together after five months?”_

_“Plenty of people. Some even after less.” Lexa shrugged nonchalantly just to irk him._

_Truthfully, she knew it was all very fast but there was something about Clarke that told her there was no need to wait._

_That this was it for her and saying no would only have been denying the inevitable._

_Besides how could she have resisted Clarke’s sleepy voice and nervous tracing of her skin that accompanied the request?_

_To say that Octavia and Bellamy weren’t pleased would be an understatement but Clarke always had a particular brand of stubbornness and this situation was no exception._

_“Whatever.” Bellamy grumbled._

_“You know, you act all protective, like you’ve known her forever but you’ve only known her since she met Octavia at the academy so you have about have six months on me.”_

_Bellamy ignored her and kept staring at the blank screen._

_“Sulking isn’t going to undo anything. She wants us to get along.”_

_“Whatever.” He repeated._

_Lexa sighed, frustrated at his stubbornness .“Fine. Game 3 in the series is on so if you would just hand me the remote.” Lexa stated finally, giving up on trying to reason with him. Baseball was a far better alternative if she had to sit and wait with him._

_He handed her the remote and she turned on the game leaning forward when she noticed the bases were loaded._

_“You’re a fan?” he asked begrudgingly._

_“See the stands right..” Lexa pointed as she waited for the camera to show them. “There!” she exclaimed._

_“Caught the foul ball right before Ramirez’s grand slam that won the ’99 game getting them into the playoffs. I was 9 and it was my first game. My sister took me. I mean I’ve caught a couple since them, off actual homeruns but that’s still my favourite.”_

_Bellamy who had been quiet as she rambled chuckled, “Yeah, I remember that game. O was sick so I didn’t have to sit through her dance practice. Got to stay home and have the TV to myself. Great game.”_

_“Great game.” Lexa echoed._

_By the time a tired Clarke made it home, Lexa and Bellamy were deeply embroiled in a discussion about how the season would play out and Lexa barely registered the kiss that was pressed to her forehead and the grateful look sent her way by the girl that made herself at home in her lap._

 

 

Lexa sat between Jasper and Monty on their faux leather couch, eyes on the screen as she maneuvered her character around the game world. She could feel their glances at her and each other and their distraction was made even more evident at their poor playing.

But Lexa played on, waiting for them to initiate the conversation they clearly wanted to have.

“So, Lexa.”

“There it is.” Lexa let out at Monty’s words.

“What?” Jasper asked.

“Nothing. I thought I said that it my head.” Lexa admitted sheepishly before pausing the game and getting up.

She turned around and sat on the low coffee table in front of them  so she could see both of them while they talked.

“I don’t know how to even begin to apologize.” Monty started as he eyed her warily.

“You don’t need to.”

“Yes. We do.” Jasper said seriously, “We just abandoned you.”

“We had Wednesdays online.”

“Because that’s the foundation for such a healthy friendship.” Jasper spat sarcastically.

“Look. I get it. You were friends with Clarke long before..”

“Yeah but we hung out with you way more.” Monty said heatedly.

“We fucked up.” Jasper spoke, “We should have..”

“Guys no. Listen. Just hear me out.” Lexa said while taking a huge breath to steel herself. She kept her eyes trained on the spot she had just occupied on the couch and spoke, “Clarke she..Raven and Bellamy reached out to me and it’s caused a whole lot of fallout. Clarke’s relationship with Raven has been so strained until recently because of it. I would have never wanted that for you.”

“We didn’t even..”

“Guys listen. Sometimes you were the only thing that got me through the week. Knowing we’d play was something to look forward to. So we didn’t talk. Fine. Honestly that was better for me. I was constantly talking about my recovery. All the time. Talking about how messed up everything was. All the time. With Raven, Bellamy, Anya..it was exhausting. I just wanted to be normal. You guys made it normal.”

“We’re sorry. We should have been there.” Monty said shaking his head.

“You were. In your own way. Which means more than anything.”

“We’re still sorry." Monty added.

“I know.”

“We missed you. Well, I missed you. Monty on the other hand didn’t miss losing to you.”

Monty shot Jasper a look. “Dude! Why the sellout?” 

Lexa laughed as she stood up and plopped back onto the couch.

“Maybe Lexa will go easy on me if I’m nice to her.”

“No way.”

“You guys realize I’m still here right?” Lexa asked as she unpaused the game.

“Lexa will you go easy on me if I’m nice to you.” Jasper asked hopefully. “No.” she reponded simply.

Monty cackled dramatically.

“Jeez thanks for nothing, Lexa.”

“I missed you guys too.” Lexa responded with a smile as she chucked a grenade towards their two characters who were standing together.

“Damnit!”

“Noooo!”

“Boys!” She began true to form. “Your fight is over.” Monty and Jasper chorused with her sarcastically.

 

 

**_GreenerMastures has joined the server._ **

**_Hedaoftheclans has joined the server._ **

**_SmoothGoggles has joined the server._ **

_“Game on nerds.” Lexa whispered to herself as she selected her character traits._

**_SmoothGoggles: r u rdy 2 lse?_ **

**_GreenerMastures: jas is wearing his keep calm and game on tshirt._ **

**_GreenerMastures: he thinks it’ll give him luck._ **

**_SmoothGoggles: say tht 2 my face_ **

**_GreenerMastures: I literally just did before I typed it._ **

**_SmoothGoggles: whtvr_ **

_Lexa laughed at the idea of them text chatting with each other as they sat side by side and moved on to the game options, picking one of the more challenging maps._

**_GreenerMastures: ooooh are you picking the mount weather facility?_ **

**_Hedaoftheclans: I want it to be at least a little bit of a challenge for me to beat y’all._ **

**_GreenerMatsures: whoa fighting words_ **

**_SmoothGoggles: brng it on lser!!!_ **

_With another laugh she sat back and waited for the map to load._

_She looked forward to Wednesday nights._

_Between her group meetings and fruitless job search, it felt like the breath of fresh air that she needed since everything had fallen apart._

_She’d known when Clarke left that she would lose Monty and Jasper too. The three had been friends since high school and Lexa knew that the boys would always have Clarke’s back. She didn’t hate them for it. In fact, she relished the fact that they hadn’t caused friction with an active ongoing friendship with her like Raven and Bellamy had._

_The map loaded up and she found herself in an unlocked hospital room. She navigated her way through the hallways keeping an eye on her radar for Monty and Jasper’s characters. She caught sight of Jasper’s character on the floor below and jumped down surprising him with a quick kill._

**_SmoothGoggles: holy crap whr did u cme frm_ **

**_Hedaof theclans: Your nightmares._ **

**_GreenerMastures: ugh you’re so lame sometimes_ **

**_SmoothGoggles: only smtimes?_ **

_Grinning widely, Lexa again was overcome with the feeling of gratitude that she had these Wednesdays with Monty and Jasper. She’d come home one day to a game invite notification from Jasper. She had sat in shock for an hour at least, convinced that it was a mistake._

_She hadn’t talked to either Monty or Jasper in a couple of months and hadn’t expected them to reach out to her._

_When she finally got her wits about her, she accepted and quickly found herself in an unspoken routine._

_Every Wednesday at 10, they would load up a game, text chat while playing, and two hours later stop without any prompting. They never asked about her life and she never asked about theirs._

_“Crap!” she exclaimed, realizing that Jasper was shooting at her. “No!” she called out miserably as he succeeded in his revenge kill._

**_SmoothGoggles: hahaha_ **

_She waited impatiently for her character to respawn while grumbling._

_“What in the..” Immediately she respawned, Monty was on her successfully bludgeoning her to death._

_In pure frustration, she turned on the headset that she always wore while playing out of habit and growled into it. “That’s it. Now I’m mad.”_

_There was silence for a moment as Lexa’s character respawned and then a tentative, “Lexa?” in Monty’s unsure voice sounded out._

_“What?” she barked. Lexa wasn’t the best at losing, especially when she felt she didn’t do her best._

_“So we’re doing this?” Jasper asked. And it suddenly hit her._

_“Oh, sorry guys! Text chat was just getting in the way and…I’ll hop off.” She stammered hurt and a little embarrassed for causing them discomfort._

_“Noo No.” Monty insisted whith Jasper echoing him._

_“Okay.” Lexa ventured cautiously, “So keep going?”_

_“Well I hope so, considering we’re beating you.” Jasper said simply._

_Lexa made a noise of exasperation which sent the boys into a fit of giggles. “Alright. Now you’re both toast.” Lexa threatened._

_And the collective groans at that we’re enough to put warmth in her chest and a wide smile on her face. The kept on playing, with Lexa taking and keeping the lead over both the boys before she noticed the clock was about to strike midnight. “Boys, your fight is over.” She declared calmly before she found them and disposed of them in quick succession._

_“Ugh, I hate you.” Jasper moaned._

_“Why do we even bother playing against you?” Monty asked._

_Lexa laughed with glee, relishing the win for a moment before she spoke up, “Next week, same time?”_

_“Yeah. Yeah.” Jasper sighed out._

_She navigated towards the menu, ready to sign off before Monty spoke up. “Uhh, so hey Lexa. Are you okay?”_

_Lexa was stunned into silence momentarily by the question. She swallowed despite her suddenly dry throat and opened her mouth several times before successfully sounding out a rough affirmative._

_Jasper spoke in the wake of the ensuing silence, “We just haven’t seen you in a while you know, Bellamy said something about you getting help which is great, really great.”_

_“Uhh, yeah. I have group and support and I’m working through it.” There was another bout of silence that Lexa broke herself, “It’s so hard guys.” She whispered, ignoring the tear that was now making its way down her cheek._

_“You’re the strongest person we know Lexa.” Monty said seriously._

_“Yeah, you really are.” Jasper agreed._

_And Lexa could only manage a nod that she knew they couldn’t see._

_“Do you think…” Monty started._

_“Hey guys! I know it’s late but I brought snacks and drinks, I was thinking we could watch the new..” Lexa couldn’t hear the rest of the already muffled sentence but she would know that voice anywhere._

_“Clarke!” Monty exclaimed._

_“Clarke!” Jasper gasped. Lexa heard her laugh then. Warm and raspy and completely consuming if Lexa’s daze was anything to go by._

_“Didn’t mean to scare you.” Lexa heard her voice clearer this time, making the assumption that she was closer to the boys. “Who are you playing against?”_

_“No one!” Jasper yelped._

_“Just some online random!” Monty agreed._

_She heard Clarke’s laugh again, “Why are you guys being so..”_

**_SmoothGoggles has left the server._ **

**_GreenerMastures has left the server._ **

_And even with the notification message that came in later promising that Wednesday was still a go, Lexa still couldn’t help but cry into her mattress all night._

_The following Wednesday, they went back to text chat and no personal questions._

 

 

“Clarke?” Lexa asked blearily glancing at her phone for the time before she put it back against her ear.

_"Hey, Lexa. Did I wake you?”_

“A little.”

 _“I woke you a little?”_ The blonde asked and Lexa smiled at the amusement in her voice.

“Yeah. Just a bit.”

 _“I’m sorry.”_ Clarke laughed out, _“I just got off work.”_

“Clarke, it’s three in the morning.” Lexa responded, more awake with concern.

_“God. Is it? I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about the time. Breakthrough on the missing persons.”_

“Good? Bad?”

_“Hard to say.”_

“Where are you?” Lexa asked hearing the heavy breathing in the other end.

_“Climbing the stairs of death in my apartment building.”_

“Okay good you’re safe.”

 _“Yeah, I am if you consider the stairs of death to be safe.”_ Clarke responded amusement back in her voice. _“I just sent you a text.”_ She added quickly.

“Okay.” Lexa spoke starting to check.

 _“Don’t read it yet!”_ Clarke blurted out.

“Don’t? Okay.” Lexa sighed out before she lay back sideways on her bed allowing her phone to lay on her ear. “Did you call to tell me that you texted me?”

_“No. I called to say thank you.”_

“What for?”

_“Your audition package.”_

“Oh.” Lexa breathed out a laugh.

_“You made my day. I can’t explain how much I needed the laughs.”_

“Anytime.” Lexa said softly, feeling warmth in her whole body.

_“Seriously. Thank you Lexa. It was really sweet of you.”_

“Anytime.” Lexa repeated.

_"I should let you go.”_

“You don’t have to.”

_"I do. You need sleep.”_

“Overrated.”

_“I’m sorry for waking you.”_

“I’ve woken up for worse reasons.” Lexa teased with a yawn.

_“Ever the flatterer.”_

“What can I say? You bring it out.”

_“Good night Lexa.”_

“Good night Clarke.” The line was quiet for a minute and they breathed together and by the time the ding of the disconnected call came Lexa was asleep.

**Clarke: Hey, quick question that’s not really quick at all. I’d like to come to one of your group meetings. Can I do that? Say no if you’re at all uncomfortable with the idea. I just want to see how you’ve been getting through it.**


	7. All the truth I thought I learned, and then it finally came along.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just don’t feel right you know. I thought I was better but I still get scared you know?”
> 
> “I know baby. Come here.”
> 
> “It’s better with you.” Clarke confessed.
> 
> “I’m glad baby. Come here.” Lexa said blindly pulling Clarke closer. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was slow and Clarke knew that she would have no recollection of this conversation.
> 
> She didn’t know if she was glad or sad about it.
> 
> “It’s also worse with you.” Clarke whispered.
> 
> But Lexa was too far gone into sleep too muster a response.
> 
> And Clarke was wide awake with the implication of her own words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reasons this chapter comes over 4 months after the last:  
> 1\. Started writing and posting two separate fics.  
> 2\. Work bogged me down.  
> 3\. Used the free time I had to overcommit to various creative projects.  
> 4\. Hit major writer's block.  
> 5\. Hit general creative slump.  
> 6\. Was a goob and goobed around instead of writing.
> 
> I will finish this fic. Hope this chapter reinvigorates any previous interest and garners some new interest. Feel free to bug me on [tumblr](http://sovereignchicken.tumblr.com/) and check out the rest of my fics here.

_Clarke sat beside her father on his desk as they both hunched over their respective assignments. While he puzzled over drawings for a nuclear reactor, she scribbled out derivations on her calculus homework assignment._

_She was around six years old when they started the tradition. Clarke had gotten in trouble at school for not completing her homework. Her father had sat her down and asked her why she wouldn’t do it. With a quivering lip and a bowed head, she’d confessed that it was too hard. So he proposed a solution._

_“Sit with me right here at my desk and I’ll do my work and you do yours. And if I get stuck, you can help me on mine and if you get stuck I’ll help you. How’s that sound?”_

_Excited at the prospect of being trusted to ‘help’ her dad and sit at his grandiose desk, she nodded vigourously._

_There was never another complaint about her homework assignments again._

_11 years older and wiser with a head filled with thoughts of S.A.Ts and college applications she gave a triumphant nod every time she completed a question. Completely engrossed in her work, she didn’t see the way he smiled discreetly at each nod, proud of his daughter._

_“Alright kiddo, I give up.” He spoke up breaking the spell._

_Clarke looked up and grinned at him, “Need help?”_

_He rolled his eyes fondly at his daughter, “No, smartass, I do not. But I do need pizza.”_

_“Mom wouldn’t..”_

_“You see your mother anywhere, Clarke?”_

_“No..”_

_“So what’s stopping us?”_

_“She’s gonna know.” Clarke warned, amusement shining from her eyes as she imagined her mother’s long suffering sigh upon her arrival._

_“Clarke, Clarke, Clarke. Soon you’ll learn that some things are worth it.”_

_“And if I’m not hungry?”_

_“You didn’t!”_

_“Didn’t what?” Clarke defended innocently despite knowing that her father knew her too well._

_“Saying no to pizza! You wouldn’t..unless..”_ _Clarke stood up and backed up looked anywhere but at him as she forced out a cheery whistle. He advanced menacingly on her, “Unless you already..”_

_“Unless I decided that I want to respect the sanctity of my mother’s diet.” Clarke interrupted as she backed her way into the living room._

_“The sanctity of your..You had pizza earlier you little squirt!”_

_“Did not!” She retorted sticking her tongue out before she made a mad dash for the kitchen with him hot at her heels_

_“Did too!” He chased her around the house until her gave up collapsing on the couch and rambling about how Clarke should opt out of growing old if she can._

_They sat lazily on the couch, respective assignments forgotten until, a half asleep Clarke felt a kiss on her forehead and opened her eyes to see her father in a jacket with keys in his hand. “You’re going to get pizza?” Clarke asked tiredly._

_“You’ll bet I am.”_

_“I’m going to bed.” Clarke informed him._

_“I expected as much from a traitor.”_

_Clarke shook her head and got up, lightly pushing him, and made her way to her room. “Love you!” She called out, seeing his answering grin before he verbalized it, “Love you more!”_

_Clarke managed to brush her teeth and change into her sleep clothes relatively gracefully considering her exhaustion was causing her to be unsteady at her feet. Pre-bed tasks accomplished she collapsed bonelessly in the bed and was asleep in minutes._

_She awoke to the blaring of her alarm and the realization that she’d set it earlier so she could study for her Physics test. She looked over her notes and ran through some practice problems before heading downstairs to grab a bowl of cereal. It took her twenty minutes of eerie silence in the kitchen to realize the house was empty which was odd because she always beat her dad out of the house on school days and her mom should have been back from her shift late last night. She checked and double checked every room before calling the number for the hospital her mom had taped to the fridge but she knew by heart from years of calling._

_The call was a blur._

_Clarke knew all the nurses at the front desk by name._

_Emori picked up. As soon as she realized Clarke was on the other end, her tone changed._

_Dread filled Clarke as Emori told her there’d been an accident. Clarke could hear someone saying something to Emori but she couldn’t make it out. She was suddenly dizzy with the weight of knowing. When Emori addressed her again, she missed the first minute and a half of her words in her haze. “..coming to pick you up, okay Clarke?”_

_"Okay.” Clarke responded unsure of her vocabulary past that single word._

_She stood numbly in the kitchen until Jackson screeched into the driveway and gently led her out of the house. She sat in Jackson’s car quietly as he sped to the hospital. She could hardly remember them arriving at the hospital as she paced in the waiting room slowly until they finally called her in to the ICU room. The goodbye wasn’t much of one because her father had long ceased to be responsive. Her crying mother’s comforting hand was shrugged away with the sudden anger that overcame Clarke for a reason she couldn’t quite fathom. And Clarke simply watched as they finally unplugged the machines that were keeping his body warm._

 

 

Clarke woke with a start covered in sweat. It was the second time in as many weeks that she’d dreamt of her dad and she didn’t know what to make of it. She was especially unsure of what to make of this dream, considering it was really more of a memory.

An eerily vivid memory. 

Shaking her head, she swung her legs off the bed and made a beeline for the shower. She turned the shower spray to a scalding temperature and tried to calm the shivers in her body.

Clarke wondered for a moment if she was regressing. She had taken the death of her father hard, and spiraled several times over it but she’d thought her sessions with Dr. Cartwig had for the most part taken care of any residual grief.

But grief was a tricky thing.

And maybe the dreams meant nothing. Just her subconscious being weird.

With the dismissal of her thoughts, she proceeded to the actual washing part of the shower before she turned it off and toweled herself dry.

Hearing her phone ring, she padded over to the bedroom, towel around her chest, and grabbed it.

“Griffin.” She answered instinctively. 

 _“I’m calling to report a crime.”_   The soft voice came through laced with amusement.

“Lexa?” She asked looking at the caller id to confirm.

 _“Yes.”_ Came the chuckled response.

“Okay what’s the crime?” Clarke asked trying to play along.

_“That you answer the phone so formally whenever I call!”_

“Sorry.” Clarke answered with a weak chuckle.

 _“Are you okay?”_ Lexa asked immediately. 

“I’m just..a little shaken up.”

_“Do you wanna talk about it?”_

“No..not right now. How are you?”

_“Okay. Fair enough. Whenever you want to talk. I’m fine. I uh talked to Octavia yesterday.”_

“What?”

_“You heard me.”_

“When? Why didn’t you tell me this when we talked?”

 _“Umm mid-afternoon. And probably didn’t tell you cause it was the middle of the night and I was asleep when you called.”_ Lexa answered in a teasing voice.

“Sorry.” Clarke apologized with a grimace, “What did she say?”

_“Eh you know.”_

“I don’t actually.” Clarke noted with a roll of her eyes.

_“I’m not really sure myself. I don’t know if it was a warning or an apology.”_

“Typical Octavia.” Clarke murmured as she sat on the bed. Lexa hummed in agreement.  “I’ll talk to her when I get to the station, see where her head’s at.”

_“If you like.”_

“Thank you again by the way.”

_"What for?”_

“The audition thing.”

 _“Oh. You already thanked me.”_ Lexa dismissed casually.

“I can’t thank you twice?”

_“You can thank me as many times as you like in as many ways as you like.”_

“Lexa!”

_“Well I mean if you’re so eager to thank, I can’t say that I’m opposed.”_

“I can’t believe you.” Clarke laughed as Lexa joined in before they sighed amusedly into silence.

 _“I should let you go, you have work.”_ Lexa finally spoke.

“Okay yeah.”

 _"Okay bye.”_ Lexa rushed before the line went dead. Clarke frowned at her phone for a minute before she scrolled through notifications and realized that Lexa never responded to her text about the meeting.

She wondered of the lack of response was an answer. Maybe Lexa wasn’t ready to take that step and Clarke was pushing her. Or perhaps Clarke was just overly worried.  

With a sigh, she ran a hand through her wet hair and gave up on her analysis choosing instead to get ready for work.

 

 

_Clarke sat watching the man at the front of the room lecture._

_He looked like the caricatures of policemen that comic strips in newspapers used to illustrate the incompetence of the police. With a huge bushy mustache and a protruding belly, he waddled around, perpetually frowning, as he explained the magnitude of the journey they were about to undertake._

_As Clarke looked around the room, she couldn’t help but smile. Her college classes had hundreds of young shiny students in tiny desks with brand new laptops and it was a far cry from this small room that held twenty or so academy students who occasionally would jot down something in their notebooks._

_Clarke counted two other women in the room besides herself. Built like a truck, with short cropped hair and tattoos peeking out of her shirt, Clarke guessed the first woman, might have been ex-military. The second woman nearly caught Clarke staring but Clarke couldn’t really blame herself._

_She was beautiful with long brunette hair and she couldn’t have been older than Clarke._ _For some reason Clarke found her to be more intimidating than the ex-military looking woman._

_Clarke’s head buzzed lightly with the influx of information as her classmates filed out once they had been dismissed. She trudged out of the room and was immediately accosted by the brunette woman. “Hey, hi, I’m Octavia Blake, nice to meet you.” She said warmly with a firm shake of Clarke’s hand._

_"Clarke..Griffin.” Clarke responded a bit taken aback by the girl’s confidence._

_She had no chance to recover as Octavia jumped right into conversation, “So what’d you think of the class? Boring right. But we’ll be done with the classroom stuff soon and get to hop into the field for some real action. I can’t wait to get started. I’m ready to be out there taking out perps, you know?”_

_“Yeah, sure.”_

_“I’ve always wanted to be a cop, you know? Dressed up as one for Halloweens and everything. It felt like it took forever for me to finally be old enough to get through the academy.”_

_“Oh yeah, wow.”_

_“What about you?”_

_“I just…it just kind of came to me on a whim I guess, I was always set to go to med school.”  Clarke admitted, intimidated by how confident this woman was in her path._

_“A doctor huh?”_

_“Well, I didn’t even finish pre-med..”_

_“I couldn’t even do college. Too much siting still, you know? This is about as much as I can take.” She said gesturing the classroom they were in, “And even then, the only thing keeping me going, is knowing I’ll be out there soon.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“We should stick together Clarke?”_

_“Yeah?” Clarke genuinely asked, in a daze from the brunette's exuberance._

_“Yeah, I got a good feeling about you.”_

_And despite the fact that this girl had bombarded her with a conversation she had barely managed to keep up with, Clarke had a good feeling about her too. And she voiced it and watched Octavia smile widely in response._

 

 

“Hey.” Clarke said tentatively as she walked up to Octavia’s desk.

She’d tried to be early today but Blake always beat everyone into the station. She cringed at her own mental reference to Octavia as Blake. That’s something a partner would call her and Clarke hadn’t been a very good one lately.

“What’s eating you, Griff?” Clarke startled at her words. She’d been standing there for minutes stuck in her thoughts. 

“Hey, sorry just stuff.”

“Stuff?” Octavia asked with a raised eyebrow as she leaned nonchalantly in her chair.

“Yeah, listen. Can I sit?”

“Yeah, be my guest.” Octavia gestured as she sat up and moved her own chair closer to her desk.

“I’m sorry, O. I fucked up. Bad. I’ve been a shit partner. Shit friend. Shit all around person. And I should have apologized last night when we were working on eveything but I guess we got caught up and I'm just..sorry.” Clarke rambled as she placed her palms on Blake’s desk.

Octavia regarded her for a moment before she spoke, “Maybe you're the last two things but not the first.”

“What?”

“At least not recently.” She said as she handed over a manila folder.

“What?”

“Got a call from San Jacinto Sheriffs Department. They finally got the video from the motel where the clerk who called us last night said she’d spotted Mel.” Clarke opened the folder eagerly and looked at the pictures.

“I knew it was her!” she crowed as she recognized Mel’s face and the t-shirt her mother said she’d been wearing when she disappeared.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Bastard.” Clarke said as she looked at the man who was holding her arm. “Do we know anything more about him?”

Blake shook her head and sighed heavily. “Just the description from the clerk and these pictures.”

“We can’t see his face because of his damn baseball cap.” Clarke observed with a frown.

“Well at least now we know where she’s been and that she’s with someone.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Someone that the clerk said Mel looked uncomfortable around.”

Blake raised her hands in defense, “I’m not arguing with you.”

“So what do you think now?” Clarke challenged.

Blake leaned back in her seat and sighed as she mussed up her hair. “I think you were right. More to this than it first seemed.”

“But you still don’t think it’s linked to Keenan?"

"I don’t know. Could still be she ran away. Older boyfriend maybe. Convinces her she’s better with him. She sees Keenan’s Facebook status. Takes the opportunity to post her own to divert suspicion. Now maybe she realizes it’s not all rainbows and butterflies.”

“Her mother never said anything about a boyfriend.”

“Did you tell your mother about your high school trysts?”

“Point taken.” Clarke acknowledged with a sigh.

“What are you thinking?” Octavia asked as she stood up and circled the desk.

“I wanna talk to Keenan.”

“And why is that?”

“Maybe she knows this guy Mel’s with..”

“Clarke, they weren’t even friends.” Octavia reminded her.

“I just..I have to try.”

“Fine. I’ll call Mel’s mom. Maybe Mel mentioned this guy even if she didn’t call him her boyfriend.”

“Go team! Go!” Clarke cheered exuberantly. Blake, phone already in hand rolled her eyes as she started to make the phone call.

With a grin both because she was pumped about the potential break in the case and excited that things with Octavia didn’t seem strained, Clarke headed to her own desk. She found her notes on the case and dialed the number for Keenan’s mother.

 _“Officer Griffin?”_ A panicked voice came through.

“Yes ma’am.”

_“I was just about to call the station! I can’t find her!”_

“Slow down ma’am. You can’t find Keenan?”

_“She said she was sick last night and so I figured I wouldn’t bug her about school this morning but then I checked in on her anyway and it’s like a bad coming of age tv show.”_

“How do you mean?”

 _“Pillows under her bed made up to look like a person. And my car! It’s gone.”_  

“Give me a couple of minutes Mrs. Mykulak, I’ll be right there.”

 _“Okay. Okay.”_ The woman responded frazzled before Clarke heard the click of the line.

Well shit.

She glanced over at Blake’s desk and met her concerned look. She stood up and walked over quickly watching as Octavia finished her call. “Keenan’s MIA.”

“Damn. Let’s go.”

It was completely natural, the way they fell into step. Completely natural the way Clarke hopped into the driver’s seat and peeled out of the parking lot. And completely natural how they briefed each other on their respective phone calls.

But then the car grew quiet and Clarke knew she had to talk. “Sorry.”

“What for?”

“Not telling you about Raven’s wedding.”

“S’okay.”

“No it isn’t. But if I’m being honest, even if it crossed my mind to talk to you, I don’t even know how I would have done it.”

Octavia nodded as she looked out of the car window. “That wouldn’t have been a fun conversation.” She finally spoke.

“Not that your angry phone call was fun.”

“No that wasn’t fun.”

“I just wish things were different.”

“I talked to Lexa."

“She mentioned.”

Octavia hummed pointedly before she responded. “What’d she say?”

“I guess she was confused by the conversation.”

“There’s Keenan’s  mom!” Octavia exclaimed suddenly pointing at the woman who stood worriedly in the driveway of her house. Clarke pulled up the sidewalk of the house and she and Octavia hopped out to meet her.

A search of Keenan’s room proved fruitless and Clarke and Octavia left with a promise to keep Keenan’s mother updated if they heard anything and she promised the same in return.

“Cage’s?” Blake asked as she clicked her seatbelt into place.

“Cage’s.” Clarke agreed.

At Cage’s apartment, they garnered that Cage and Keenan had left late the previous night without telling his roommate where. After grilling him for several minutes, they began to leave with the insistent reminder that he call them if he remembered anything else about their hasty departure.

“I don’t think I’ll remember anything else, dude. They came in and out pretty quick. Didn’t talk to me at all. Barely remembered to print a map off my computer."

“Wait what?” Clarke asked as she whirled around halfway out of the door.

“What?” Blake echoed poking her head back into the apartment.

“What?” Cage’s confused roommate asked.

“Listen Butterfinger..”

“Why do they call you Butterfinger by the way?” Blake interrupted as she pushed into the room behind Clarke.

The boy grinned lazily and nodded, “Hard on the outside, soft on the inside, baby.”

“Okay anyway.” Clarke started as she shot an amused Octavia a glare. “You said he printed out a map?”

“Yeah, Keenan’s phone got taken away by her mom and Cage forgets to pay his cell bill.”

“Can we see your laptop?”

An easier than expected laptop search, because they neglected to delete their history, yielded a motel address a few hours away. Armed with information, Clarke and Octavia hastily left the dingy apartment and made for the car.

“Isn’t that motel pretty close..” Clarke asked as she started the car.

“Yeah to the one where Mel was sighted.”

“Would you call ahead to San Jacinto Sheriff’s department?”

“Already on it.” Blake answered as she tapped at her phone. Clarke continued to drive, following the route on the map the two minors printed as Octavia got though and spoke to the sheriff who said he’d send a man to check the motel.  

“What?” Clarke asked when an hour into the drive, Octavia hadn’t said anything to her.

Octavia glanced at Clarke contemplatively before she sighed and spoke, “I’m gonna talk to Raven whenever we get off.”

Clarke’s eyes widened and her grip on the steering wheel tightened but before she could speak, the phone rang Octavia answered quickly putting in on speaker. “Detective Blake.”

_“Detective Blake, this is Sheriff Sanz of the San Jacinto Sheriff’s department.”_

“What’s the status, Sheriff?”  

_“I got a guy watching the juveniles at a McDonald’s right now.”_

“The vehicle?”

_“Matches the description of the stolen vehicle.”_

“And the room?”

_“Empty.”_

“Have they talked to anyone?”

_“Negative.”_

“Have your men seen anyone matching the descriptions of Melissa Gaithers and the man she was seen with.”

_“Negative. How do you want us to proceed, detective?”_

“We’re an hour out. Just keep an eye on them and we’ll be there.”

 _“10-4.”_ The sheriff spoke before the line went quiet.

“What are they up to?” Clarke wondered out loud.

“Just getting away for some fun.”

“You think? Crappy motel in nowhere county isn’t exactly my idea of fun.”

“They’re strapped for cash. And when you’re a teenager, a shit motel far away from your parents is a great idea. Don’t you remember being their age?”

“Yeah, I do.” Clarke answered quietly. Itching to change the subject suddenly, she blurted, “Okay so Raven? How? What are you gonna say?”

“Not planning for it, Princess. God knows the best laid plans..I’ll just see where the conversation goes.” The pointed silence that followed for the remaining hour was enough to let Clarke know she wasn’t quite forgiven.

 

 

_“Wake up, Clarke. Come on.”_

_Clarke burrowed further into her sheets. It was too early for anything let alone her mother. “What do you want?”_

_“It’s noon. I want you to get your applications done so you can go to university. Now up.”_

_Clarke turned over her wrist and peered bleary eyed at her father’s wristwatch._

_It wasn’t working._

_It had been working the previous night when she was out racing with her friends._

_If she could call them friends._

_She swallowed back a lump and buried her face in her pillow. “What’s the point?” She mumbled._

_“The point? The point Clarke is that your gpa is excellent and your SAT and ACT scores are incredible and you should apply.” Abby insisted as she pulled the sheets away from Clarke’s bed._

_“That’s not a very good reason to apply to college.”_

_“For God sakes Clarke, do you want a nice job, house, car?”_

_Clarke rolled over cold from the lack of sheets and groaned. “Maybe I just want to be happy.”_

_“Those are the things that’ll make you happy, now up.”_

_Clarke slowly went through the motions as her mother stood and watched her get up and dress._

_“What time did you finally get to bed Clarke? You fell asleep with the light on.”_

_Clarke shook her head, still slow from sleep. “I don’t know, six? Seven?”_

_“In the morning!?” Her mother exclaimed incredulously. “Clarke, what of any importance could you possibly have been doing to stay up all night?”_

_“I don’t know mom.” Clarke responded, exasperated, as she made her way through piles of dirty laundry on her floor to the laptop on her desk. “I just, didn’t really want to sleep.”_

_It wasn’t a lie._

_Sleep these days was something she actively avoided._

_She sat down and opened up the laptop to the sound of the silence between them and found her way to the website of the first of many colleges her mother insisted she apply to. Clarke shuddered as she realized that she was the one who’d created the shortlist. She was the one who babbled endlessly to her father about the merits of each._

_And now, Clarke couldn’t even imagine a future at any of them._

_“Clarke you’re not the only one who’s sad.”_

_“I know, Mom.”_

_“It’s selfish of you to act like you’re the only one who’s grieving.”_

_“Are you going to stand there the whole time?” Clarke asked after a beat unable to muster a response to her mother’s last words._

_“Yes, I am.” Abby said seriously as she sat and watched pointedly over Clarke’s shoulder._

_With a sigh, Clarke turned to the screen that mocked her and began typing out an essay explaining how her father’s recent death had inspired her to forge ahead and make him proud. It was a tear-jerker and she got into every school she submitted it to._

 

 

Collapsing into the uncomfortable plastic hospital chair, Clarke let out a sigh.

The day had been long.

Octavia and Clarke had caught up to Cage and Keenan at the motel and piled them in the back of the police vehicle. An easy task when it came to Keenan. But during pat down, Blake discovered a balled up piece of paper which Cage, half handcuffed, dove to grab and run with towards the bridge.

By the time Clarke caught up with him and wrestled him down, a large chunk of the paper had been torn off and thrown into the river below. The remaining piece was at the station. In smudged ink it read, ‘Emerson.’  Whether that was a name or a place, Clarke didn’t know and the two people who definitively could tell her were sitting in separate holding cells, keeping stubbornly quiet.

The uncomfortable chair which seemed like sweet relief from her day chased her thoughts away of the two minors and she waited patiently for her mother to appear. Too patiently it seemed when she was shaken awake and opened her eyes to her concerned mother.

“Clarke?”

“Shit, mom. How long was I out?”

Clarke watched her mother wince before she shook her head, “I don’t know. What time did you get here?”

Clarke glanced at her watch, “Oh it’s only been twenty.”

“Are you okay? What do you want?”

Clarke straightened up in the chair words sarcastic as she laid a hand on her mother’s hand that had taken residence on her shoulder. “Jeez remind me never to come visit if you’re gonna react like this.”

“Oh.” Abby sighed as she grinned slightly, “Sorry. I just didn’t expect you.”

“Fair enough.” Clarke acknowledged as she watched her mother sit on the chair beside her. 

“Everything okay? How’s work?”

“Stressful. Had to take a little roadtrip up to San Jac County today.”

“Did you have fun?”

Clarke laughed and felt lighter. With a small smile, she leaned her head against her mother’s shoulder and felt deft fingers run through her hair. “No. Not too much fun.”

“Were you careful?”

“Always. How’s work for you?”

“I have a problem patient. Too young to be suffering the way he is.” She sighed heavily, “But they always are aren’t they?”  

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

“How’s Kane?” Clarke smiled as she felt her mother’s smile in the way her jaw moved against Clarke’s head.

“He’s wonderful.”

“Have you set a date?”

“Oh God no. We’re both far too busy right now.”

“Have you considered eloping?”

“Clarke Elizabeth Griffin!” Clarke chucked at her mother’s indignation. “That idea is not half bad.” Abby said contemplatively after a moment.

Clarke sat up with a jolt careful to not hit her mother’s jaw and instead was met by her wink. Clarke laughed appreciatively, “When did you get wild?”

“I’ve always had it in me.” Abby teased with an exaggerated dusting off of her shoulder. Clarke shook her head happy to be joking around with her mother again.

“How’s Lexa?”

“That’s..that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I umm. I’ve been dreaming about dad.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah it came out of nowhere and I just..”

“What kind of dreams?”

“Weird surreal ones but also vivid memory ones like of that day..”

Abby swallowed roughly and stared ahead at the hustle and bustle of the hospital in front of her. There was nothing but the sounds of the hospital before she finally spoke up again. “How do you feel? Do you feel unstable?”

“I feel..I feel off.”

“Do you need to talk to Callie?”

“I could. I just don’t want Jaha to think I’m not okay.”

“Everyone needs counseling sometimes.”

“I guess.”

“What does this have to do with Lexa?”

“I..well. I don’t want to mess her up.”

“How would you mess her up Clarke?”

“I asked her if I could sit in on her group sessions and she kind of dodged the question. Well not really dodged but didn’t answer.” 

“I’m very confused.”

“I..well, she obviously doesn’t want me there. I came on too strong. I shouldn’t have asked.” Clarke tried to explain.

“Did she say any of that?”

“No.” Came the quiet admission.

“Well there you go.”

“But I mean.” Clarke breathed in before she turned to her mother, “When dad, you know..I was bad. I drank and I tried stuff and..”

“I know.”

“You know?”

“A mother knows Clarke.”

“You never said anything.”

“What could I have. You hated my guts and I’d already pushed you so far about school. I was afraid if I confronted you about the drugs and the partying and the racing, I’d lose you.”

“I didn’t know. I mean I guess I thought that you suspected but..”

“You straightened up on your own.”

“Yeah well I had to after I got accepted into all those schools. But even after. Even when I was with Lexa. It was just so easy for me fall into bad habits and I just..with the dreams.”

“You can’t blame yourself for Lexa’s addiction.”

“I wasn’t.” Clarke protested, she watched exasperatedly as her mother raised an eyebrow, “Can’t I?”

“Well, not to dive into semantics but you can, I mean you are capable..” “Mom.” Clarke interrupted unamused. “But you shouldn’t” Abby finished in a sing song voice.

“I shouldn’t.”

“You shouldn’t. You know what you should do instead?”

“What?”

“Talk to Lexa and find out what she actually thinks about you attending her group counseling..”

“Yeah.” Clarke sighed.

“And..talk to Callie about how you’re feeling.”

“Yeah.”

“And..take your mother out for dinner at the fancy new jazz lounge that just opened up across the street.” Abby added innocently.

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yes mother. Even though you snuck that last one in.” Clarke said, rolling her eyes.

“Oh my, what did I do to deserve such a wonderful daughter?”

“Something really good in a past life, I’m sure.”

 

 

_“Easy there cowgirl.” Octavia’s gentle voice soothed her as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the alleyway._

_Clarke hated throwing up._

_She hated the feeling of her body rebelling against her._

_She hated the burn in her throat._

_But mostly she hated the tears._

_“You gotta ease up on this stuff, Griff.”_

_“I know.” Clarke moaned self pityingly. “Hey! Wait! You drank as much as me!” Clarke accused with a wobbly finger pointed._

_“No I didn’t. And even with the drinks I had, I paced myself. Had water. Ate more than a couple of times today and had a good night’s sleep last night.”_

_“That sounds smart.”_

_Octavia gently took Clarke’s hand and laid it across her shoulder, carrying her weight and leading them out of the bar. “When was the last time you ate, Griff? Or slept?”_

_“I don’t know.” Clarke slurred._

_Everything was double._

_Did she eat today?_

_“Clarke, you gotta take care of yourself.”_

_“Yeah, yeah. Drinking is better when you eat.”_

_“Clarke we’re in the academy. If you’re not well rested and nutritioned up, you’re not gonna do well in field training.”_

_“I feel sick.”_

_“I know Clarke.”_

_“What are we waiting for?”_

_“My friend, Raven.”_

_“Oh, okay.”_

_“Clarke, seriously. I consider us friends and I want to be your partner when we’re done. We’re gonna be a team okay?”_

_“Okay, Blake!” Clarke responded overly enthusiastic._

_“Okay, good. But you gotta take care of yourself. Sleep, eat, stop drinking so much. Just take care of yourself okay?”_

_“Okay Officer Blake.”_

_“I’m not trying to mom you or nothing.”_

_“Nah you’re prettier than my mom.”_

_“I’m gonna let you get away with that one. It’s incredibly weird that you’re thinking about how pretty I am compared to you mother. But I’m gonna let it go okay.”_

_“Okay, thank you, Octavia wan Kenobi.”_

_“Alright then partner.” Octavia responded fighting a grin as Clarke gazed at her adoringly._

_Clarke startled as a beat-up truck screeched to a halt in front of them. “This the friend?” The girl in the truck asked as she looked over Clarke, unimpressed._

_“Partner. Well, future partner.” Octavia clarified as she dragged Clarke to the back door and helped her in._

_“She looks..” Raven trailed off as she watched Clarke stretch in the backseat._

_“You’re really pretty too.” Clarke mumbled._

_Raven raised an eyebrow and turned to Octavia who was getting into the passenger seat. “She gonna be okay?”_

_“Yeah, we had a talk. Right Clarke?”_

_“Right. Eat. Sleep. Drink. More.”_

_“Maybe not the drink more, unless we’re talking water.” Raven said straight faced._

_“Let’s go, Raven. I’ll talk to her when she’s better.”_

_“If you say so.” Raven sighed and began driving. Clarke stretched and yawned, peaceful the way she always was when she was drunk and she fell asleep to the sounds of Raven and Octavia’s hushed conversation._

 

 

 “And how are you this morning, Griffin?”

“I’m fine.” Clarke huffed as she approached a nonchalant Blake who was reclined at her desk, “It’s fucking five thirty in the morning Blake. When do you sleep?” Blake laughed and stood up with a wide gesture at the mostly empty station, “Unlike my fellow officers, I sleep when the criminal element sleep.”

“So never.”

“Never.” Blake confirmed with a serious nod. “I’m also a bit pumped up.”

“Tell me tweedlepriss and tweedleprick finally said something.”

“No, Keenan and Cage did not say anything. Nor did they change their names from Keenan and Cage so I don’t know why you insist..”

“Why the good mood then?”

Octavia let out a huff at being interrupted before a smile spread across her face once again. “I talked to Raven.”

Clarke’s eyes widened and she sent a grin to her excitable partner, “Well, how’d it go?”

“We had dinner at a taco truck and just walked around the city and talked. It was like when we were in high school and used to have nowhere to go.”

“So well?” Clarke pressed eagerly.

“Yeah. Some tough stuff, then some good stuff.”

“And?”

“We’re hanging out tonight.”

“Wow.” Clarke said, happy for both of them.

“I miss her Griff. We’ve been friends forever you know?”

“Yeah.”

“We both apologized for being asses, me more than her so it was good. Real good.”

“I’m happy for you."

“I’m happy for me too!” She said with a grin before she frowned. “I shouldn’t have been so hard on Lexa you know.” Octavia suddenly said as she stepped closer to Clarke.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, Raven and her are close these days and I just never gave her the time of day. We talked a lot about her.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, I always knew she wasn’t to blame. Things happen you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” Clarke answered deep in thought.

“And God knows you were a mess Griff. I mean, I think part of the reason  I got so mad is that you were a wreck when we were in the academy. I mean you straightened up and all but you just always had that kind of propensity.”

Clarke’s stomach dropped as Octavia’s words hit her. She shuddered out a breath, face impassive.

“Oh.”

“I’m not trying to be shitty. Really I’m not. Especially since you’re good after the counseling with the doc and all. But you were kind of a disaster waiting to happen. Then add you to an alcoholic and of course it all went to shit.” She laughed. “And of course me coming in with my temper after it all blew up made even more of a mess.”

“I..yeah.” Clarke stuttered out unsure of how to respond. The shrill ring of Octavia’s desk phone broke in to their conversation and Octavia hopped over to grab it with a wink at Clarke. “It’s gonna be a good day. Good week even!” She said with as she picked up the phone, “This is Detective Blake.”

 

 

_“Lexa.”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“Do you ever get anxious?” Lexa tightened her hold on Clarke, still deep in the throes of sleep before she hummed lightly._

_“Lexa?” Clarke asked. She was thinking about her father. Not so much him but the brevity of life. And she had come to the realization only days before that she loved the girl who was clinging to her in her bed._

_It had only been 4 months but Clarke knew that she wanted to be with this girl for the rest of the foreseeable future._

_It was a terrifying thought._

_She had left herself so open and vulnerable and this girl. This wonderful girl had nudged her way in and wrapped herself fully around Clarke. And despite herself, Clarke couldn’t help but see all they ways this could end badly._

_"Sleep baby.” Lexa murmured sweetly, punctuating her words with a kiss to Clarke’s clenched jaw._

_“I just. Do you ever grit your teeth so hard that you feel like you’re going to snap your jaw?”_

_“Mmm no. Don’t do that baby.”_

_“I just don’t feel right you know. I thought I was better but I still get scared you know?”_

_“I know baby. Come here.”_

_“It’s better with you.” Clarke confessed._

_“I’m glad baby. Come here.” Lexa said blindly pulling Clarke closer. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was slow and Clarke knew that she would have no recollection of this conversation._

_She didn’t know if she was glad or sad about it._

_“It’s also worse with you.” Clarke whispered._

_But Lexa was too far gone into sleep too muster a response._

_And Clarke was wide awake with the implication of her own words._

 

 

Clarke felt a little weak as she stared at her phone. Her conversation with Octavia had left her feeling nauseous and she wanted everything settled. She shook her head and found her recent calls tapping at Lexa’s name and hitting call.

She slowly walked down the hall away from the voices in the station and into the sounds of the traffic outside.

 _“Hello?”_ Lexa answered breathless.

Clarke shook hear head and tried to focus on the current task and not think about the way Lexa's voice sounded. “Hey, Lexa. I just wanted to take it back.”

_“Take what back?”_

“My text, you know, about coming to see your group session.”

_“Do you..not want to come?”_

“No I..I don’t know..I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“ _You didn’t make me uncomfortable?”_ Lexa responded immediately.

“Didn’t I though? You didn’t answer and..”

_“I just..I’m a little nervous.”_

“Nervous?”

 _“These are the women who got me out…are getting me out of my addiction and I just..”_  

“It’s a big step, I’m overstepping. I get it.”

_“No Clarke, what? I just.. don’t want you to think I weak or something.”_

“Weak?” Clarke balked. She'd never viewed Lexa as weak.

_“I mean, I’m still struggling. I’ll never really stop.”_

“Lexa, the last thing I’ll ever think of you is that you’re weak. You are the strongest most wonderful person that..” Clarke began full of conviction before she was interrupted.

_“Come tomorrow. Can you? I mean I’d like you to..”_

“Yes. I mean, I can come tomorrow if you want.” Clarke interrupted eagerly. 

_“I do.”_

“Okay.”

_“Okay. Ten thirty.”_

“Ten thirty.”

_“I’ll text you the address.”_

“Okay.”

_“Okay.”_

The line was quiet for a minute as Clarke watched the hustle and bustle of the construction site a block down. “Lex, I..”

“Griff! I’ve been looking for you all over! Keenan’s ready to talk. Come on, pronto.” Blake called from the door, holding it open for Clarke. “Shit, Lexa, I gotta go.”

_“No problem, Clarke. Go get ‘em, Detective.”_

Clarke laughed at the familiar encouragement before she shook her head with a wide grin, “Yes ma’am, I will.”

 

 

_Every nook and cranny of the apartment was clean and it was only two hours into what would have been Clarke’s regular work day._

_She’d called in sick after Lexa left early for an interview, choosing to have a day to herself so she could think._

_Lexa was out of a job as of three days ago for showing up drunk repeatedly and Clarke was worried. Lexa didn’t seem to have the same worries. At Clarke’s insistence, she’d reluctantly asked around and scored herself an interview but she was detached at best about it throwing a, “Jobs are thin babe. May not get it.” Over her shoulder as she left._

_Clarke thought about the girl she’d met two years ago who was passionate and excited about running her kitchen and wondered what had changed._

_Lexa had an alcohol problem._

_That much was clear._

_Clarke had suspected it months into dating and confirmed it when they moved in together. But nobody is perfect and Clarke had no interest in judging. She simply wanted to be there and help in any way she could._

_But she didn’t know how not judging and good intentions had turned into facilitating and encouraging._

_Clarke wasn’t a stranger by any means to drinking especially when it came to coping. But she’d lost several nights of memories to blackouts in the past few months and honestly she was worried._

_But beneath all the worry was the awareness that it was her fault. Lexa had been a functioning alcoholic when they met. One who could have even successfully quit if her three weeks of abstinence had been any indication._

_But Clarke had gotten in the way of that._

_She’d messed it all up._

_She leaned heavily against the gleaming counter, which she’d spent twenty minutes scrubbing, and glared at the liquor cabinet._

_She could do it all again._

_Throw it all away._

_Set rules._

_Lexa wouldn’t be happy and it wouldn’t be easy._

_But Clarke had a feeling something bad would happen if she didn’t try. It was her anxiety, she knew, and it didn’t really mean anything. But the feeling and her disenchantment about the present were incentive enough._

_She pulled the cabinet open and grabbed herself a drink. “Liquid courage.” She mumbled to herself as she took a swig._ _For her conversation with Lexa._

_But by the time Lexa got home, Clarke was drunk._

_Clarke grinned widely as the door opened and Lexa stepped in._

_“Hello, you.” Clarke called out from her position on the floor against the kitchen counter._

_“Hello.” Lexa answered in a sing song voice as she threw her keys on the counter, “Did somebody skip work?”_

_“Somebody did.” Clarke grinned, guilty, as Lexa lowered herself to sit next to her._

_“And vodka?” Lexa mock gasped, “With no chaser?”_

_“What can I say?” Clarke said as she passed Lexa the bottle, “Don’t pretend you weren’t just out drinking too.”_

_Lexa’s slow smile would have given her away even of she’d chosen to lie, “Interview went horrifically so I’m officially in celebration.”_

_“That. Does. Not. Sound. Good.” Clarke responded jabbing Lexa’s shoulder with every word._

_“It’s not as bad as this vodka.”_

_“Hey! You bought it!”_

_“No my darling, you did along with the wine over there, did you forget already?”_

_“No.” Clarke lied petulantly cheeks warming as Lexa watched her. Lexa raised a doubtful eyebrow before tilting back her head and taking a hearty swig. “No chaser?” Clarke chuckled._

_“Mmm.” Lexa hummed as she put the bottle down beside her and leaned in closer to Clarke, “Only chaser I need is your lips.”_

_With the shake of her head, Clarke swallowed her own laughter by pulling Lexa in by the collar and demonstrating just how well she could play the part of a chaser._

 

 

Clarke had dreamt of her father and Lexa working on his engineering drawings together as Clarke diligently worked through her calculus problems.

It wasn’t an unpleasant dream.

But it wasn’t a pleasant one either.

She’d often wondered over the course of her and Lexa’s relationship, whether her father would have liked her. She liked to think so. Lexa was quick witted and charming and Clarke liked to think her dad would have loved joking around with her.

But more than anything, Clarke would have liked him around for his advice.

Especially on a day like today.

She had an hour before she had to be at Lexa’s meeting and she was nervous. She didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know too much about the group Lexa met with, only that it wasn’t like AA.

Despite her nerves, she was excited. She was eager to see the alternative to the AA that Lexa hated. The alternative that had achieved what Clarke or anyone else had never been able to with Lexa.

Having been lost in her thoughts she found herself, scrambling to make do with her remaining minutes before she dashed out of her house. When she arrived at the dull building, her nerves increased tenfold but she ignored them and made her way in. She found her way to the designated room and walked in, spotting Lexa instantly.

She watched as Lexa spoke animatedly to an older woman with short grey hair.

A young girl, too young really, gestured towards a seat and Clarke nodded with a smile and sat down. Despite keeping her eyes trained on the floor, her entire attention was focused on Lexa and she was aware of the exact moment Lexa spotted her. She saw the movement of her hands freeze in her periphery and felt the burn of her glance.

Before she had time to meet it, a woman two seats to her right clapped her hands together and called for the room’s attention, “Alright ladies, let’s get started.”

Clarke fidgeted lip caught between her teeth as the various women around the room took their seats.

As luck would have it, Lexa was directly across from her and Clarke forced herself to meet her gaze. Her eyes were wide like she hadn’t been expecting Clarke and Clarke tried to send her a soft smile that she was sure came off as more of a grimace. She watched as an older amused looking woman leaned in and whispered something to Lexa and watched the ensuing blush on Lexa’s face. 

“..Looks like we have a new face. Hello.” Clarke startled as she realized the words were directed at her and she forced a smile and a nod out. “Would you like to introduce yourself?” The woman asked cautiously.

“Umm yeah. Hi. I’m Clarke.” She started pausing when she saw several glances directed her way. Lexa must have mentioned her name before. “I uhh. I’m here for..” She met Lexa’s eyes and her feet suddenly wanted to take her anywhere away from this room. But then Lexa smiled. And Clarke was a goner for the way her mouth curved and the way her brow raised expectantly. “I guess get some things sorted. Thanks…for having me.” 

“Of course. Welcome, Clarke.” Clarke nodded and smiled softly at the soft murmured welcomes of the women that made up the circle. “You might know, this already Clarke but we don’t follow the tenements of Alcoholics Anonymous and other similar groups. I have some reading material on the counter by the door that’ll get you fully ingratiated. But for now essentially, we don’t adhere to the belief that a higher power is in control and that we have to resign ourselves to it or give up our pride. We believe, as women, that we have to find the strength that already exists within us and feed into it with the help of each other of course and that’ll help us in our journey to control and recovery.” 

Clarke nodded as the woman finished her introduction before trailing her eyes over to Lexa who was already engaged in looking at Clarke. Clarke hardly realized that the other women were speaking, entirely captivated by Lexa catching only snippets of the conversation.

“…I talked to my mom last week. Well, she talked to me. In a kind of passive way, she mentioned that my dad thought I had a drinking problem and then rambled about some other stuff before she brought it up again and asked what I thought.”

Clarke briefly broke her gaze with Lexa to glance at the young girl beside her. The girl sighed and shook her head before she spoke again. “Yeah, so I said that I hadn’t drank in a couple of weeks and that I was coming here. And it was kind of a weird conversation. She hugged me. Which is kinda not very typical in our house. But she told me she was proud of me.  And that was really..cool and I don’t know. It just feels kinda nice to have her support...”

“..Gracie’s been sick as you all know. Real sick and I..she’s my whole world and I know she’ll be fine with a little time and rest like the doctor said but I’m still the mom who was right there behind her to bandage her up when she fell. I can’t claim to be a good mom. Lord knows I was drunk too many a time while taking care of her but..it just worries me that she’s been sick. I’m stressed and I’ve thought about taking the edge off. But then I think of my little Gracie and how much she adores me and even though she doesn’t really get it, I know she wants me to be better…”

Clarke nodded as she watched the woman speak, struck by how composed she looked in her blazer and pink shirt that matched the flush of pride every time she said her daughter’s name.  

“Ay dios mio.” The older lady spoke up next, minutes later maybe, Clarke couldn’t tell as she’d had her eyes on Lexa. She shook her head and focused her attention on the greying woman. She could tell by the glint in her eye that this woman was more than a handful. “I’ve got a cute young guy coming to visit me.”

Clarke heard the ripple of affectionate chuckles trail through the crowd. “A stallion. Whoo. This old lady is suddenly full of life and energy.”

“You go, Silvia!” the woman to her right cheered.

Silvia, wiggled her brows before she straightened, suddenly serious, “But we’ve been talking. Nice young guy. Takes really good care of me. Respectful and maybe the best nurse I’ve had since I moved into the place. We talk you know? He tells me about his life and the things he does and I..it makes me want to do more. I’m not dead you know. I’ve lived a lot of my life in bars but there’s other stuff I can do. Take a pottery glass, join a book club, I don’t know. But that place is depressing and I want to live again.”

Clarke watched as Lexa laid a hand on Silvia’s fidgeting hands and stilled it. And she smiled. Because Lexa was always so sweet and so gentle.

It was a wonder how Clarke missed the fact that Lexa was starting to speak considering how closely she was focused on her. But when her voice spoke up, hesitant and shy, Clarke sat up attentive not missing the knowing glance Silvia sent her way. “It’s been an interesting couple of weeks for sure. Some hard conversations. And fun. Honest to goodness fun. I forgot how fun it was to be a sore winner with my friends, Jasper and Monty.” Clarke chuckled lightly. “Had a hard conversation with Octavia, the cop, Clarke’s uhh.. Clarke’s partner. It was rough. She was understandably upset. But she said some things that..she gave me more insight I guess into umm how bad certain things were.”

Clarke ducked trying to meet Lexa’s eyes in a question but Lexa’s eyes were trained on her own hands. “I just..I think I was so consumed in myself that I didn’t realize how serious things were. It uhh was a good realization. I think I was blind to many things but now I uhhh see?” Chuckles broke out through the tension that had filled the room. “The uhh, the lead up to today was hard. I’m trying to be more transparent in my recovery and it was your..” Lexa trailed off as she briefly met Clarke’s eyes.

“Clarke’s suggestion but I think it’s a good one and I’m always happy to share this group and my process. And I hope that good things…come out of it. So. Yeah.”

“Thank you Lexa, it’s good to acknowledge…” Clarke missed the group leader’s words as she watched Lexa nod to herself the way she always did when she was thinking too much.

“..Clarke?”

“Huh?” Clarke looked up as her name surprised.

“Sorry. I asked if you would like to say something. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” The woman offered gently.

“I umm. I just. I’ll say something.” She nodded at the woman before taking a deep breathe. “I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams. I feel kind of off kilter. I don’t feel like I’m gonna start drinking heavily again but I feel just off balance. Lexa…” She trailed off shaking her head, eyes trained on the door. “Lexa’s been on my mind a lot. So has my father.” She admitted trying to ignore the widening of Lexa’s eyes. “I’m afraid that I’m not really better. I used to have a lot of bad anxiety and I’m just worried. And that’s probably lack of sleep and this consuming case at work. Things are weird between me and my partner right now but she’s happy and I know everything will settle cause it already is much better with our whole group of friends. I umm. I’m really honoured to be here and really glad to see how strong and wonderful you all are.” She looked around the room with a smile. “I wish I’d found you all earlier so I would have had to go through AA.”

“Hear hear.” Silvia spoke up.

“I umm. But most importantly I guess. I’m very glad that you all have been here for Lexa. Cause it’s been rough. And she’s so strong, she’s always been. But I can see that a lot of it is cause of you all. I just umm. Thank you for taking care of her when I..just thank you.”

Clarke could hardly pay attention to the murmurs of acknowledgment. Hardly pay attention to the last words of the leader. Hardly pay attention to anything between Lexa’s wise glance. Lexa knew her too well. Clarke’s only coherent thought was to leave the room as soon as possible. She’d been suddenly overcome by the weight of Lexa’s and her own words and was desperate for some fresh air.

The meeting had hardly been adjourned before Clarke was out of the room and two blocks away. 

“Clarke!” The heard the familiar voice call as she turned into an alleyway. She leaned heavily against the wall and waited because she couldn’t bear to run away. “Clarke, hey.” Lexa’s out of breath voice came as she skidded into the alleyway before approaching Clarke cautiously.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke whispered shaking her head.

“Clarke, look at me.” Lexa spoke gently as she ducked slightly to get in Clarke’s line of sight. Clarke shook her head again before raising her head and meeting Lexa’s eyes.

“What happened in there Clarke?”

“Octavia was right.”

“What?”

“I was a mess before I met you.”

“You weren’t.”

“I was. I was. I never really told you. And everything happened so fast with us. But, I’d just gotten my shit together. Octavia, you know, she made sure I was all set but I was never really okay you know. It was all so sudden with my dad and then I was forcing my way through pre-med then I quit to be a cop. And it’s not like it was my dream to be a cop. Not like Octavia. I just wanted…. Something. And it stuck. Probably cause my mom didn’t want me to do it. And Octavia wouldn’t let me quit.” Clarke sucked in a ragged breath.

“You never said..” Lexa started face full of confusion.

“I didn’t. Cause I thought I was better. Found purpose then found the girl. But anxiety and grief,..it doesn’t go away.”

“I mean, I knew you struggled sometimes but we just never really talked..”

“Yeah well we never actually talked about your drinking till a little before you lost your job.”

“No. We didn’t.”

“And even then..”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry, Lexa.”

“For what? Not talking about your problems?”

“That and just everything.”

“Me too, Clarke. Me too.” Lexa cooed as she stepped closer and ran her hand up and down Clarke’s arms soothingly.

“Sorry.”

“For what?” Lexa laughed at Clarke’s second apology.

“This. The women in your group probably think I’m crazy.”

Lexa grinned and shook her head, “Please.” She teased, “They are what actual crazy is. You just don’t come close babe.” 

Clarke smiled and sighed quietly at the pet name. It felt so normal to be here. She was aware that it was an alleyway with her ex-girlfriend who was an alcoholic and that she herself was a work in progress.

But she could smell Lexa’s light scent that she knew was from the laundry detergent she swore by and she could hear Lexa’s soft breaths that took her back to lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed and she could feel Lexa’s warmth that she’d been craving without knowing. And it was so so natural to nudge Lexa’s cheek with her own and tighten her knuckles around the material that hugged Lexa’s hips and shiver when Lexa’s nose brushed along her jaw before adjusting its trajectory and heading upwards.

And it was so easy to meet her lips, soft and yielding.

It had been a year since she’d kissed her and while it felt like no time at all with the familiar gentle way Lexa cupped her jaw it felt like the first time with the way her heart beat wildly but in tune with Lexa’s.

But the slight chill of the evening and the light from the sun as it peeked through the clouds and the traffic on the adjacent street all suddenly jarred her and she pushed away and looked out of the alleyway unable to look at Lexa. Her hands were still gripping at her shirt and her heart was still hammering away as she spoke quickly, “I’m not ready.”

She felt Lexa’s nod as it slightly moved the hands fisted in her clothes and she let go and inched her way out of the confined space before turning back. Lexa looked as stunned as Clarke felt and Clarke ached for her.

“I’m sorry.” Lexa said.

Clarke shook her head roughly in attempt to get her not to be sorry but she knew whatever effort she made to assuage Lexa of her guilt would fail. And despite the voice in her head insisting on otherwise she spoke the words, “I just need some space.” Into the air and watched Lexa deflate.

But Clarke’s head was still dizzy and she was scared.

So she left and made her way home without looking back.

 

 

_Clarke had been dreaming._

_She wasn’t sure about what. Only that it was pleasant._

_But it was chased away by the feeling of the sheets on her body and the hum of the air conditioning and she stretched out her body with a yawn and reached over for Lexa._

_Her hands met cold sheets and nothing else and her eyes fluttered open in confusion._

_It took her a full minute to realize that Lexa was gone._

_Not gone to another room._

_But gone._

_And suddenly she couldn’t breathe. She panicked, sitting up and trying to suck air in. But it wasn’t working. She couldn’t get any air. Her lungs ached with effort and the tears stinging her eyes gave way to sobs._

_It felt like she’d been struggling for hours when she realized that she was having a panic attack. She’d had to apprehend a suspect a few months ago who’d panicked as soon as he’d found himself in cuffs. She tried to remember how Octavia had talked him down. Imagined Octavia was there talking her down. Her breath slowly evened out and rough sobs turned into sighs over the course of several long minutes._

_She leaned against her headboard when it was mostly passed, relieved and glanced at the alarm clock on the side of the bed. She was due for a meeting with Dr. Cartwig in a few hours._

_Lexa had only left a couple of weeks ago. A panic attack over her was perfectly reasonable. After all this wasn’t the first time she’d had anxiety related breathing problems. They were almost the norm in college. Of course this was worse than she ever remembered having. But it was fine. Perfectly normal. Nothing to alert Dr. Cartwig to when her reinstatement was coming closer._

_And she’d gotten it under control._

_“It’s fine. I’m fine.” She spoke to no one as she moved to lay on her back, wide eyes on the ceiling._

_“I’m fine.”_

 

 

It had been hours of laying awake in her bed.

Sleep was elusive and positive thoughts even more so. But exhaustion had started to seep into Clarke’s bones and she was slowly starting to fall when her phone beeped.

All thoughts of sleep gone, she sat up excitedly.

Her nerves were thrumming with eagerness as she stretched a hand out to grab her phone. She knew it was Lexa texting and she was over the moon about it. Because with a kiss like the one they shared in the alley, Clarke didn’t want space.

She didn’t want distance.

She told herself it was a reasonable thing to feel and the ramifications wouldn’t be so great but when she opened up the text she knew she was wrong.

Because it wasn’t from Lexa.

Why would it be when Lexa was giving her the space she asked for? 

When Lexa was so good?

The ramifications were already great because she was in too deep.

Because Lexa hadn’t sent one of her late night texts and that fact was almost too much for her to bear.

Fuck spam.

**Unknown Number: Recent Bollywood, Tollywood & Kollywood premium movies are on YuppFlix now. Reply STOP to unsubscribe.**


	8. Just want to make it new with you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa sighed, eyes on the straw she was playing around with, “We have a lot to work through. It’s going to take time to..”
> 
> “You can’t work through shit if you’re not talking to each other!”
> 
> “Raven, I just..she asked for space okay..she doesn’t want to talk to..she doesn’t want me..” Lexa trailed off into a whisper.
> 
> “You’re wrong. She just as stubborn as you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long long overdue. I've been writing this story for almost two years now and it's strange how much change has taken place since I started. I'm definitely not in the same place I was when I started writing this and it's strange to revisit. Nonetheless I'm glad. I can see what drew me to write it and hopefully old and new readers alike find something in here too.
> 
> Thanks to the anon who prodded me on my [tumblr](http://sovereignchicken.tumblr.com/) to finally update.

It was 3am and Lexa hadn’t slept a wink. She had her phone loosely held in her hand and she couldn’t stop thinking about Clarke. Clarke’s back as she ran out of the alleyway leaving Lexa to her muddled thoughts. Clarke’s face when she said she needed space. Clarke’s mouth.

Fuck.

Lexa had somehow managed to get through the rest of her day without thinking about why she kissed Clarke. Not well, given the looks she received from her chefs at the restaurant but she’d managed all the same. But now with nothing to distract her as she lay in the darkness, she was forced to confront herself.

She had kissed Clarke. She had wanted to. She wanted to do it again. But more than that, she wanted Clarke in all her glory. The good and the bad. She’d had it before and she missed it terribly. She missed it before it went all bad. Even missed some parts of it when it was bad because there was good in it. There was always good in Clarke.

She had a counterargument for every argument.

It didn’t work out the last time: Clarke and her had both been in a poor place and hadn’t been in sync in addressing their problems but the time apart had been beneficial for both and they had learned from their mistakes.

Their friends were at odds: If she and Clarke could get past their differences then so could Raven and Octavia. Everyone else would follow suit.

Clarke didn’t want to be with her: Well, every argument but that.

Clarke had said not yet. She said she wanted space. What did that mean? Did that mean that there was a possibility at some point? Did that mean that Clarke was letting her down easy? Did she mess up her one chance with Clarke?

Lexa tapped the screen of her phone like she’d been doing obsessively all night and watched the screen light up. 3.05am. She’d been thinking about texting Clarke. For the past couple of weeks they’d been in communication every night. It felt wrong not to text her. But it would feel even worse to do so when Clarke had asked her for space. She sighed and reached over to place her phone on the floor next to the mattress.

When sleep finally came hours later, it was fitful and minimal.

 

 

_Lexa hated social rules. She didn’t understand them. All she knew was that she had met a beautiful blonde the previous night and she wanted to see her again. She wanted to see Clarke again. So she didn’t understand why she was sitting and staring at her phone instead of calling her or texting her._

_“Text her.” Gustus grunted as he walked past her and made a beeline for the fridge._

_“Really?” Lexa asked as she twisted in her stool in front of the counter to watch him. He grunted an affirmative and pulled out some leftover chicken in a container before placing it on the counter and diving back into the contents of the fridge._

_“Didn’t you just meet her last night?” The voice of Lexa’s other roommate, Nyko, asked floating into the kitchen. The man himself walked in seconds later and headed over to Lexa punching her lightly ._

_“Yes.” Lexa growled out as she tried to retaliate._

_“Don’t want to seem desperate, do you?” he sang out cheerily as he dodged her punch._

_“She wouldn’t be desperate for texting the next day. She’d be honest about what she wanted.” Gustus argued as he kept rooting around in the fridge._

_Nyko walked over to the container and popped it open unceremoniously before taking a bite out of a drumstick. “The girl’s gonna think you’re weird.” He responded._

_“No she’s not..Nyko?”_

_“Hmm?” Nyko responded innocently._

_“Are you eating my chicken?” Gustus asked._

_“No?”_

_“Damnit!” Gustus exclaimed as he pulled his head out of the fridge and stood up. Nyko’s eyes widened and for a moment that was the only movement in the kitchen. Suddenly Nyko was off and a disgruntled Gustus was chasing him._

_“You shouldn’t have left it there!”_

_“What part of mine don’t you understand.”_

_Lexa shook her head, eyes still on her phone, as she wondered how she’d wound up living with two men who looked like they should have been herding bears and or wolves in Alaska._

_”I made the food!” She called out to the men as they thundered around the house._

_“Shut up Lexa!” came the collective response._

_Lexa sighed and redirected her attention to her predicament. She’d been drunk when she’s met her. Drunk and bold. Celebrating her clumsiness, to the delight of her friends, she’d turned and caught the most beautiful sight. Beautiful blue eyes amused and a lip caught in cheeky teeth and hair so golden, Lexa was ready to invest in it. So she walked over and found herself in the midst of officers of the law, a fact which would normally have made her a little nervous but somehow with the gravelly tone of Clarke’s voice, Lexa didn’t mind._

_She’d spent the whole night with Clarke, trading shots, laughs, and conversations. When the hours of the night dwindled, she whispered the request to walk her home and Clarke had chuckled about how it should have been the other way around considering she was a cop. With a wink Lexa had informed her that even cops need some service and protection sometimes and the blush that preceded it had made the victory of Clarke’s nod much sweeter._

_A quick detour to the bathroom had led to a weird staredown with Clarke’s partner, Octavia. The brunette had been somewhat hostile the whole night sending glares in between rounds of drinks that she included Lexa on._

_“That’s my partner out there.” She had said as she grabbed Lexa’s arm. Lexa had nodded dumbly in lieu of a verbal response._

_“Come on!” A woman further down the line called. Octavia had turned to her briefly before she nodded and let go of Lexa’s arm and headed into the bathroom Lexa had just vacated._

_When Lexa had met Clarke outside, the moment with her partner had been quickly forgotten and all Lexa could process was the wide smile on her face._

_“Shall we?” Clarke had asked as she held her hand out for Lexa._

_“We shall.” Lexa had responded with a chuckle._

_Shaking her head to return to the present, Lexa could still hear the argument of her roommates in the background and the hum of the still open fridge in the corner. But the loudest noise wasn’t a noise at all but an image. The image of Clarke’s dazzling smile as she linked their arms together. Lexa wanted more of that. She wanted everything that came with it._

_So she texted Clarke._

 

“What’s up short stack?”

“We’re the same height, Raven” Lexa shook her head as she answered. She stood up and hugged the newly arrived girl before gesturing to the seat in front of her.

“Never.” Raven whispered as she took her seat gleefully.

“Got your favourite.” Lexa announced.

Raven mock held her hand to her chest and gasped with feigned emotion. “You really know how to treat a girl right.” She stated dramatically before she raised the glass of water in question and took a sip. “Life sustaining liquid this is!”

“I know,” Lexa chuckled, “That’s why I put a special request in for you.”

“You’re a catch babe, marry me.”

“No thanks. Also you’re already engaged to someone else.”

“Oh right, Finn.” She tried to say calmly but her excited smile still bled through.

“What convincing nonchalance.” Lexa joked dryly.

“Whatever, shut up, I’m happy. Sue me.”

“I’m glad you’re happy.”

Raven’s face lit up, “I just…I’m glad too. He’s..you know?”

Lexa grinned at her friend’s joy. “Yeah, I know.”

“The usual?” Asked a chipper, young waiter as he bounded up.

“Yup. Make that times two.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow.

“Trust me.” Raven directed at Lexa as she waved away the waiter. “And hanging out with Octavia has been..” She trailed off. But Lexa saw all the excitement she needed to see in her friend’s eyes.

“That’s good.”

“It is. God, you know, she’s known me forever.” Lexa nods and sips at her own water. “And especially..I mean..you saw the book. She’s supposed to be here, you know. Suggesting dumb stuff, making me cry with her dumb speech.”

“She has it written?” “God, for years now. I’m really hoping she updates some stuff.” Raven laughed, “But, you know..this is how it’s supposed to be. I didn’t  even really realize how much it was weighing on me till we started talking again. I mean, I feel..I feel good Lexa.”

“That’s really great, Raven.” Lexa responded sincerely.

“Enough about me!” Raven declared. “Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.”

Lexa made a show of looking around the room with wide eyes.

“Alright smartass, I’ll rephrase. I’ve been talking to you every night about her. Clarke.”

“Talking implies conversation.” Lexa said as she shook her head.

“It would be conversation if you responded!”

“At four in the morning?”

“Whatever, you’re dodging the subject.”

Lexa couldn’t deny her words. Clarke had kissed her a week ago and it had been radio silence both ways. And if Lexa hadn’t been obsessing about it constantly, Raven’s nightly texts that consisted of variations of, ‘Talk to Clarke!’ would have certainly been a reminder. But Clarke had asked for space and Lexa couldn’t deny her that.

Raven shook her head as she realized the conclusion Lexa had come to. “She doesn’t want space, trust me.”

Lexa sighed, eyes on the straw she was playing around with, “We have a lot to work through. It’s going to take time to..”

“You can’t work through shit if you’re not talking to each other!”

“Raven, I just..she asked for space okay..she doesn’t want to talk to..she doesn’t want me..” Lexa trailed off into a whisper.

“You’re wrong. She just as stubborn as you.”

“She..what?”

“She thinks she made you uncomfortable and that she’s a mess who’s going to ruin this like she ruins everything..”

“Wha..She didn’t…She doesn’t..”

Raven rolled her eyes, “I know that, Shakespeare, but it’s not stopping her from wallowing in self pity.”

“Here you go!” The young waiter said as he set down two humongous bowls of pasta.

“Phew!” Raven exclaimed, “They don’t call you speedy for nothing.” He bowed with a flourish before darting off to cater to other customers. “Talk. To. Her.” She punctuated.

Lexa shrugged, “I..she asked for space.”

Raven let out a long suffering sigh, “Fine. Fine. Eat. It’s good stuff.  And then we can talk wedding menu. But even though Lexa lit up at the prospect, much to Raven’s delight, she couldn’t shake Raven’s words.

 

 

_“Quite the party you’re having over here.” A voice spoke startling Lexa as she downed another shot at the bar. Lexa hummed not really knowing what to say to the woman. Octavia’s best friend, she remembered, from the introductions that had gone around earlier. Robin? Red? “_ _Raven.” The girl said confidently as she sat on the adjacent chair._

_“Lexa.” Lexa mumbled in response._

_“I know.” The brunette said lazily, “I have a good memory for names.”_

_“Cool.”_

_"Sooo..Clarke’s girlfriend, why are you alone at the bar.”_

_Lexa smiled at the association. “Why shouldn’t I be?”  She remembered to answer._

_Raven laughed as she flagged down the bartender. “I’m pretty sure she didn’t invite you to this happy hour so you could spend the entirety of it at the bar. And certainly not to drink as much as you have.”_

_“What do you know about it?” She bristled. The truth was she was uncomfortable. Clarke had introduced her around and everyone had been extremely nice with the exception of Octavia who hadn’t missed the opportunity to confront her once again. But it was still overwhelming and she still felt a little like an imposter on Clarke’s arm._

_Besides, she liked sitting the bar. It was relaxing and they had a good selection and her head was swimming pleasantly. She turned away from the brunette to watch Clarke speak animatedly to a group that had gathered around her._

_“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude.”_

_“But you were.” Lexa responded._

_“Yeah, sorry..it’s just..you remind me of someone.”_

_Clarke turned mid-story and caught her eye. She finished what she was saying, to the laughter of her audience, and cocked her head to the door. Lexa stood up and pulled on the jacket that she had draped on the back of her chair before turning to Raven. “I’m not whoever that person is so..”_

_“No you’re definitely not.” She responded._

_“It was nice to meet you I guess.” Lexa offered distractedly._

_“Yeah, yeah. Sorry again. Really, I mean it.”_

_Lexa shrugged, eyes on Clarke who was holding the door open for her. “See you around.” She said before she sauntered over to her girlfriend and pulled her in for a kiss, earning cheers from the patrons standing around on the outside patio._

 

 

Lexa sighed as she chased after the ball that was making its way to the corner of the room.

“You’re sulking and it’s irksome.” Anya called.

Lexa huffed as she retrieved the ball and walked back over to the table. “Who says irksome?”

“People who are irked by people who won’t stop sulking.”

“I’m not sulking.” Lexa grumbled as she served.

The rec room was full of people playing different games and as a civilian, Lexa rarely came back here, spending most of her time at the VA at the front desk. But Anya had insisted, and Lexa suspected she wanted a few easy wins so like a good younger sister, she acquiesced but made sure to complain as often as she could.

“Call her.” Anya said as she returned the serve.

Lexa darted to her left and sent the ball back. “Who?”

“Really?”

“Ok fine, she doesn’t want me to call.” Lexa admitted, out of breath.” Anya rolled her eyes and sent a powerful ball Lexa’s way. But Lexa was slow and she found herself chasing after the ball once again.

“Point to me. You suck at this.”

“Whatever, excuse me for not being as good as Forrest Gump.” Lexa breathed out heavily as grabbed the runaway ball and once again made her way back to the table for more punishment.

“She’s as gay about you as you are about her.”

“Thanks.” Lexa answered with a frown as she prepared to serve, “You’ve certainly changed your tune.”

“I’ve told you before, I just hated how things turned out. But don’t forget that I was the one rooting for you in the beginning.”

“I haven’t.” Lexa said as she served. Lexa didn’t even see the ball as it came back instantly.

“Point to me.” Anya said primly.

“Are you actually still keeping track? Because I’m losing by a lot.”

Anya shrugged, “Just by seventeen.”

Lexa groaned. “Wanna talk about your session?” She ventured after a few moments where the sounds of the other occupants of the rec room rose.

“No.”

“Okay.” Lexa stated as she lined up her serve.

“Lexa?” Anya said, voice small. Lexa straightened.

“Maybe later..we can talk.” Anya said quietly.

Lexa did her best to hide her surprise. “Sure sis.” She said simply.

 

 

_Her roommates were being ridiculous. She wasn’t talking about Clarke that much._

_“Thank God!” Gustus yelled as the doorbell rang. Nyko beat him to the door though, throwing it open. “You’re here to save us!”_

_Anya walked in cautiously, “Umm Lex..”_

_Gustus spoke up before Lexa could, “She won’t stop talking about this girl.”_

_Anya snorted. “Been there done that.”_

_Lexa blushed remembering confiding in Anya about the huge crush she had on her second grade teacher.”_

_“So have we.” Nyko explained, “But it’s worse than usual.”_

_Anya gasped. “It can’t be.”_

_Lexa rolled eyes and called out a protest, “Guyyyys!”_

_"It’s still the Clarke girl?” Anya drawled as she sunk into the couch._

_“Yes.” Gustus and Nyko chorused as they flanked her on the couch._

_“What is this? An intervention?” Lexa complained, facing the formidable trio._

_Anya laughed before she became serious. “It can be.”_

_“She’s gonna be here in like half an hour and you,” Lexa accused pointing at Anya, “Weren’t supposed to be here. And you two,” She gestured at the two grinning men, “Were supposed to be in your rooms or away just..not here being weird.”_

_“Ohhhh she’s coming.” Anya sang._

_Lexa shook her head at Anya’s glee. “No way, sis. You’re leaving. Thanks for coming. Love you. Bye.”_

_Anya gasped and shook her head faux hurt, “My own sister.”_

_"Your own sister.” Gustus and Nyko grumbled in unison._

_“Guys listen, I just..” The doorbell rang and Lexa froze. It couldn’t be. She still had twenty seven minutes._

_“Hello!” She heard Nyko say from his position as he held the door open. Lexa debated for a moment on how a man the sheer size of Nyko could move so fast but her musings were quickly cut short by a gravelly voice._

_“Do I have the wrong apartment?”_

_“No! No!” Lexa called out as she darted to the door and pushed past Gustus and Anya who’d already beaten her to the door and were staring at Clarke._

_“Sorry..I..”_

_“No..No.” Clarke responded sheepishly, “I’m sorry. I’m early I was just waiting outside. I texted but I guess you didn’t see it.”_

_“I’m Nyko.”_

_“Gustus.”_

_“And I’m Anya. Lexa’s sister.” Anya said as she stepped forward seriously._

_Lexa watched horrified as Clarke winced, no doubt from the grip Anya had on her hand as she shook it. Lexa was mortified. But she needn’t have worried. Clarke held her own perfectly, trading banter and regaling everyone with stories from the academy. And when Lexa walked her out she earned a kiss and a promised whisper for another date the following Saturday._

_And when Lexa walked back in, she earned a clap on the back and a grunted, “She’s a good one.” from Anya and two ‘Hear hears’ from the kitchen where her roommates had disappeared._

 

 

“Bryan.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re staring.”

“He knows.” Miller said from where he putting a final garnish on a plate that was ready to go out.

“I know.” Bryan agreed not taking his eyes off Miller.

Lexa shook her head in exasperation, “Bryan.”

“Yeah.”

“Please go be gay out on the floor. I’m sure there are customers wanting to be serviced.”

“Not on my watch!” Miller called out with a glare at Lexa.

“No thank you.” Bryan agreed.

“I’m taken.”

Lexa rolled her eyes, “Let me rephrase. I’m sure there are customers who are wondering where their server is.”

“Oh yeah.” Bryan exclaimed, “Customer out there wants to give their compliments to the chef personally.”

Lexa let out a long suffering sigh. “Of course they do. Just another day. Can hardly get a break from the fans.” The collective groans that Lexa was waiting for filled the kitchen.

“Commander.” Miller whined, “Why are you like this?”

A strong sense of de ja vu hit Lexa as she walked through the tables and caught sight of Octavia. “I’m getting whiplash.” Lexa said as stopped in front of the table, “First the snapper is terrible and now you’re giving me compliments on the..Salmon?” She said as she looked down at the almost empty plate.

“They were both great. Can’t fault you for how you do your job.” She said, matter of fact.

“No?” Lexa asked, “Just how I do everything else?”

“Lexa.” Octavia said tiredly, “I’m not here to fight.”

“Sorry.” Lexa sighed. “Old habits. What can I do for you?”

“Sit.” Octavia gestured. Lexa sighed and obliged her, making a casual visual sweep of the restaurant. Everyone looked like they were enjoying their food and Lexa couldn’t help but feel proud. She loved working at Trikru. She loved her staff who took as much pride as she did in their jobs, she loved her manager who stepped out of the way and trusted Lexa with the back of the house, and she loved moments like these where she got to see the end result.

“You should talk to Clarke.” Lexa’s eyes snapped back to Octavia upon hearing her words. The words hung between them for several seconds.

“Am I living in bizarro world right now?”

“Come on Lexa.”

“No really did I get hit by a car or something and restart the day in a world where you, Octavia Blake are encouraging me to talk to Clarke?”

“Don’t be like that.”

Lexa was floored. From Raven, she wasn’t surprised and even Anya but Octavia..

“Can you see where I’m coming from or am I the unreasonable one in this universe?”

Octavia rolled her eyes and sat back. “You’re in the correct universe, no need for the dramatics.” She chuckled, “And yes, I can see where you’re coming from and why this conversation is weird.”

Lexa sat back trying to match Octavia’s calm demeanor. “Okay. Alright. I’m listening.”

“Thank you.” Octavia acknowledged. She sat forward and picked up her fork idly. She sighed and seconds dragged on as Lexa watched her play with her fork.

“That salmon pairs really well with the..”

“Clarke is just..”

Lexa chuckled as she realized that they were both speaking at the same time and Octavia shook her head ruefully. “Go ahead. I think yours is more important.” Lexa stated amused.

Octavia nodded, “Yeah..so I..this past week..Clarke’s been..I don’t know distracted..not herself..well she’s back to a way worse version of how she’s been the past several months.”

“She wasn’t doing well?”

“No..well. She wasn’t doing great. I mean of course she wasn’t. She was coming back from suspension, in recovery, newly broken up with her girlfriend so no. Not great. But considerably well given the circumstances. I mean, gotta give the girl credit..she was a hundred percent throwing herself into it despite not being a hundred percent ya know. But I know her. So I knew it. But what could anyone do about it?”

Lexa shook her head, unsure of what to say.

“Anyway you came back. And it’s been some working through of stuff, you would know better about that than I do but she’s been..chipper you know. Back to her old fun self but more grounded. She needed the closure. I mean we all did. But I guess last week. The whole kiss thing..”

Lexa held her breath.

“Yeah, she told me. I’m as surprised as you are right now. I don’t know. I just..she’s off. And now’s not a time to be off. It never really is when you’re a cop but..I just. You should talk. Clear the air.”

“And what do you want me to say? ‘Hey it’s cool Clarke no worries.’ And then get on my merry way.”

“Octavia chucked, “Maybe a couple of weeks ago I would have. But I’ve been a little harsh about some things. Raven and I have been talking.”

“So I’ve heard. I’m glad. I really am Octavia.”

“I know, Lexa. I’ve never been able to fault you on your sincerity. Listen..I..maybe I shouldn’t..”

“Shouldn’t what?” Lexa asked suddenly nervous at Octavia’s tone.

Octavia sighed, “Just talk to her.”

“No come on. What aren’t you telling me?”

Octavia shook her head and looked around, “She was bad last night.”

“Oh?”

“Like academy bad.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Myles. Fucking Myles is always bugging her to have another drink.” Lexa’s heart dropped. “He persisted and persisted and I guess at some point she stopped telling him to fuck off. I skipped that happy hour to have a date night with Lincoln, this guy I’m seeing..and I got a call. I mean..I wouldn’t worry too much about it with anyone else but..Anyway I got bits and pieces from everyone when I picked her up. But essentially she just wouldn’t stop and yeah..I expect she isn’t having too great of a day today.”

Lexa shook her head panicked, “I can’t..”

Octavia sighed, “No you can’t help her when you’re in the middle of your own stuff. I get it. And she’s not bad you know. She just holds stuff in and she convinces herself she’s to blame for everything and she gets anxious and it’s like..” She gestured around wildly, “You know?” She sighed again, “It’s not fair to you. I know. But she could use the conversation. She’s better I swear. She’s not gonna spiral or nothing I’m sure. Just a rough spell. She just got it in her head that she’s gonna mess you up, that she’s gonna mess everything up. Just. Try. Please. And you can tell me to fuck off or that I’m out of line and you’d probably be right.”

Lexa sighed, “I’m not gonna tell you to fuck off.”

“Thank you.”

“She told me she wanted space.”

“Yeah, I’m not surprised she did. I doubt that’s what she really wants but she’s trying to be noble or something.”

“Let me think about it.” Lexa finally said as she stood up.

“No of course. I get it. It’s a lot.”

“It is a lot.” Octavia agreed. 

“I’ll see you around.” Lexa sighed.

“Yeah. I’ll see ya, Lexa.” 

Her chefs who were joking around when she walked back in muted and busied themselves as soon they caught sight of her and Lexa didn’t have the heart to send them a smile of reassurance.

 

 

_“This is Lexa.” Clarke said with a smile as she clung tightly_

_“Lexa!”_

_“Yo Lexa.”_

_“Hey, Lexa!”_

_Lexa’s heart was pounding and her head was spinning but everyone was friendly even though they insisted on leveling good-natured threats between conspiratorial winks at Clarke. And Clarke laughed and laughed. Lexa felt good but she was itching for a stronger drink and before she realized it, she had taken a few steps to the bar._

_Her earlier suspicion that the one frowning face was watching her was confirmed, when it’s owner, Octavia or Blake as Clarke sometimes referred to her, approached her. “Glad we could get a moment alone.”_

_Lexa looked pointedly around at the throngs of people if only to remind Octavia that there were plenty of witnesses in case she was planning to kill her._

_Octavia rolled her eyes. “Let’s sit.”_

_“I’d rather not.” Lexa said._

_“Fine. Let’s stand. That’s my partner.”_

_“You told me already, remember?”_

_“Yeah, I remember. But that was the first night I met you. I didn’t know it would result in you being her girlfriend.”_

_“Well.”_

_“Well now it’s different. Because she cares about you. And you care about her. And you know what Clarke and I both care about more than anything?” Lexa shook her head.“The job, that’s what. That’s what matters. That’s who we are. That’s what you have to accept. Got it?”_

_Lexa snorted and quickly regretted it when Octavia looked livid. “Listen Octavia, yeah she’s a cop and that’s incredibly important, I won’t argue that, but she’s a person too.”_

_“Not like you are. When she took the oath..when we took the oath, we became different. We gave a lot up but we gained a sense of responsibility. You can’t understand it. Not really. But you need to respect it. Got it?”_

_And Lexa would have laughed at the drama of it all but she could tell by the glint in Octavia’s eye and by the hard set of her jaw, that she believed unequivocally in what she was saying. She couldn’t help her mind’s fleeting thought as she watched Clarke do a little dance out of the corner of her eye, that she was way in over her head.  “Got it.” She finally managed to respond._

 

 

It was late by the time Lexa left the restaurant. All her chefs, the waiters, managers, everyone was gone. She’d been poring over a catering menu for a witches conference which according to Miller who’d been working at the restaurant for the last one, consisted of fifty odd middle aged women who wore pointy hats and giggled their way through tons of wine and food.

And while she found the task of making the menu interesting, she couldn’t shake her head clear of Octavia’s visit and what she had said about Clarke. She eventually had to throw in the towel on the menu for the night when she realized it was past one in the morning.

She generally preferred to make the walk home but given the hour, she headed to the bus stop to catch a bus. She was thinking about calling Clarke. She had no idea how to even go about it considering the fact that Clarke had asked for space but after her conversation with Octavia, Lexa couldn’t help but think she would do more harm by not talking to Clarke. She just needed to muster up the courage to call. Or maybe she could text.

“Lexa!” And Lexa would know that voice anywhere.

“Clarke?” She asked turning.

“Hey. Let me... Can I walk you?”

“Sure umm..what are..”

“I was in the neighbourhood.” Clarke said with a shrug before sending a shy smile Lexa’s way. Lexa doubted she was telling the truth but she had no inclination to argue with a smile like that so she followed as Clarke slowly began leading the way.

“Off Fremont right?”

“Yeah. How did..”

“I’m a cop.” Lexa raised an eyebrow. “Who only uses her powers for good and definitely did not look up Anya’s address!” Clarke finished hastily.

Lexa shot her a skeptical look, “So..”

“Raven told me.”

“Ahh.”

“Sorry to ambush you.”

“Don’t be, Clarke, I uhh..” Lexa looked up as they crossed the empty street in front of them, “I wanted to call you. I just..”

“I asked you for space.” Clarke finished. Lexa nodded. “It’s been a rough week.” Clarke said quietly.

“Because of the space?” Lexa asked hesitantly.

Clarke sighed and shook her head, “No..it’s. Well it’s a lot of things. I don’t know.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Clarke echoed.

“Nice night.” Lexa observed.

Clarke laughed. “I deserve better than that terrible small talk.”

“It is a nice night!” Lexa defended.

“And you deserve better than my shitty explanation.” Clarke added. Lexa shrugged. “No you do. You really do. Okay so..” Clarke trailed off and stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to turn to Lexa, “I’m not perfect. I’ve never been perfect. Even when I was younger I had anxiety but it wasn’t too bad. But..after my dad it all kind of..Well anyway by the time I joined up the academy, I was kind of a mess. Blake..Octavia helped me a lot. But I mean..it never really went away. I always felt like everything could be taken away you know..anyway I did some reckless stuff because I cared too much and I wanted not to and I straightened out in the academy but…"

“Then you met me and I sucked you into a spiral.”

“No. Don’t say that. You..” Clarke sighed, “Things were good in the beginning remember?”

“Yeah..”

“Too good. You..you were something to lose. Something so big and I..my problems were always there. I’d never dealt with them. I’d just compartmentalized and I don’t know…there were no compartments with you and it all just..”

“I’m sorry.”

Clarke shook her head and grabbed a hold of Lexa’s hands. “Lexa, seriously. You didn’t..” She sighed, “We both and I mean, stop me if you think I’m wrong but..I think we were both on a trajectory and we were catalysts for each other.”

Lexa nodded and swallowed hard before she spoke, “I don’t regret it. I mean I know there were parts but as a whole I..”

“God Lex..I don’t either at all. Not a second of it.” Clarke huffed and let go of Lexa’s hands before she turned to look down the street, “I didn’t have a very good night last night.” Lexa it her lip and waited quietly for Clarke to finish. “Got a little drunk. Well more than a little, you know me, self-destructive.” Lexa shook her head in protest, “I am Lex. I can be.” She sighed, “Anyway, I woke up this morning and it was just so much like it used to be. I couldn’t..I couldn’t.. So I called my mom. Told her everything and she gave me the same advice she’s been giving me. So I called Callie. Remember Callie she..” “I remember.” “Yeah well. Looking back I think I rushed it you know. I wanted to get back on the force. I wanted to prove I was okay to Chief Jaha but..I wasn’t. And I've been omitting a lot from her since. But it's not helping and mom says it's fine to need help so I'm gonna try. I'm gonna really try and talk. Really talk, you know.”

“I’m glad, Clarke.”

“I just. I feel so dumb that it took so long for me to just..confront myself..”

“It takes the time that it takes, Clarke. You’re not dumb. Far from it.”

“Yeah, well..you’re biased.”

Lexa smirked, “Whatever gave you that impression?” She asked cheekily.

“There were signs here and there.” Clarke teased with an exaggerated wink. And Lexa swayed on the spot with the immense desire to kiss her. But she couldn’t. Not when everything was so up in the air. Not when the last kiss had resulted in a week’s worth of silence.

Clarke pulled Lexa out of her thoughts literally by linking her arm through hers and guiding her along gently. “Nice night.” She said, voice husky. And Lexa laughed.

“Really it is!” She insisted. “Look!” She exclaimed as she grabbed Lexa’s hand and pointed it upwards. “See that constellation over there?”

“No. I see two stars because of the effects of light pollution.”

Clarke snorted, “That’s the constellation I’m talking about!”

“Uh huh.”

“It’s called ‘Line Major’ see? You trace it from that star..to that star..boom. ‘Line Major’”

“I feel like that’s a made up constellation.” Lexa teased as she let Clarke lead her hand back down until it swung between them intertwined with hers.

“All constellations are made up constellations Lexa! There’s no science to it. It’s just connect the dots!”

“Were you this blasphemous when we were dating?”

“Oh yeah babe, always been a bad girl. Have you seen my leather jacket?” Lexa blushed instinctively. Clarke laughed loudly as she caught sight of her cheeks, “What a silly question. Of course you remember. ” She managed between laughs.

“Umm.” Lexa mumbled unhelpfully as she looked around. She kept her eyes on the cars passing them by as they walked on the sidewalk and willed her cheeks to return to normal colouring.

“God Lex. I loved you so much.” Clarke rasped. Lexa shuddered at her tone and managed not to stumble as her heart started up a quick rhythm. “I thought being bi kinda insulated me you know?”

Lexa frowned, puzzled. “Not from loving you.” Clarke clarified as she shook her head, “From U-hauling. I mean who moves in together after five months?”

Lexa turned to Clarke slowly, “It felt right.” She said quietly.

“Yeah, it really did.” Clarke whispered, “But it was still gay. Like record gay.” Lexa smiled widely. “But I mean. God, Lex. I was so into you. Like you were my number one. Not my job. Never my job.”

They walked together quietly in the wake of her words. “Lex, I’m serious. I know ultimately that’s what it came down to but that’s because..”

“I wasn’t at my best.”

“No. No you weren’t but you can’t imagine..before all that..you can’t imagine how much crap I caught. Octavia’s kind of a nut when it comes to the job. She’s not the only one at the station like that. But the divorce rate is like..The job is intense but Lex, it’s just a job. I’m good at it. I like it. But the only reason I’m in it is luck. And I could have done just as much helping people as a doctor if I’d made it through you know? Anyway I’m rambling. I just..I care about you more..I cared about you more than anything.”

Lexa was quiet, mind running in circles, ‘Loved, Loved, Cared, Care?’

“I’m sorry.” Clarke said suddenly. “We have a crazy case going.  I’m low on sleep. And today I was sick..well hungover. And I’m overwhelming you. I’m rambling. I just I don’t..”

“You’re fine, Clarke.”

“I don’t wanna mess this up. I don’t wanna mess you up.”

“You’re not gonna mess me up, Clarke. If anything I’ll mess you..”

“No no. You’re doing so well and I’m a mess..”

“I’m still in recovery Clarke. I’m not out of the woods.”

“I..”

“Let’s..”

“No..”

“Okay fine! We’re both messed up!” Clarke declared.

“I just..”

“Lexa..”

“Fine.”

“Fine."

“Fine.”

“I kissed you last week.”

“Fine..no I mean..yeah..”  

“I don’t..uhh..I don’t  regret it.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“What..” Lexa began.

“Hypothetically..” Clarke started at the same time.

“Did you..”

“No go ahead.” Lexa insisted.

“Umm I was just gonna say..in a hypothetical world you know, with people like you and me and history like yours and mine..”

“Yeah..”

“Well..wouldn’t there be..couldn’t there be..you know, like a possibility of going back..not really back I mean maybe going forward slowly..like. Am I making sense?” Clarke finished as she scratched the back of her neck.

Lexa was positive that her heart was beating so fast that some sort of space time barrier had been broken. Because either she was completely misunderstanding Clarke or Clarke was asking if..

“Lexa?”

“Yes. Yes to both of your questions. You’re making sense and umm well hypothetically..” Lexa managed.

“Oh I uhh.” Clarke said shaking her head.

“This is me.” Clarke startled and looked at the house Lexa was gesturing to. “Oh I umm..it’s cute.”

“Walk me to the door?” Clarke was quiet for a long moment before she took a deep breath and smiled at Lexa. “I am a gentlewoman.” she stated with an English affectation before she bowed and gestured for Lexa to lead the way.

The walk was short and it was mere seconds before Lexa found herself standing nervously on the doorstep. “This is..well..this is it.”

“Cute.”

“Yeah. That’s my bed.”

Clarke peered into the nearby window, “The mattress?”

“Yeah..well..haven’t gotten around to getting a frame.”

“I see. Very chic. No privacy either.”

“Listen. Who needs privacy when..”

Clarke kissed Lexa before she could finish her sentence. On the cheek gently before she pulled away. And Lexa was drawn completely into her blue blue eyes. And she watched Clarke all the way as she leaned in and in and her lips touched her own. Softly. Gently. Perfectly and imperfectly. And when she pulled away, Lexa wanted so much more.

“Let me walk you home.” She offered.

Clarke laughed, “I just walked you home!”

“I know but..”

“How about we compromise.”

“I’m listening.” Lexa said as she found her hands lightly pulling at Clarke’s shirt. “I’ll text you when I get home.”

Lexa grumbled and shook her head as she tightened her grip on Clarke’s shirt. “Not much of a compromise.”

Clarke grinned. “Okay. Well. How about I text you when I get home and that text will essentially be something that I’m too afraid to tell you in person.”

Lexa frowned.

“It’s a good thing.” Clarke added. “I..I think…it’s a good thing.”

Lexa loosened her grip on Clarke’s shirt, mind racing with possibilities and by the time she came back to reality Clarke was flagging down a taxi. She sent a smile and a wave Lexa’s way and all Lexa could do was wait.

 

 

_Lexa couldn’t help it. Her eyes kept darting in a loop. From the face of the beautiful blonde beside her to their linked arms as they walked home and up to the sky as if some all-knowing being would come down to tell her just how she got so lucky. The blonde in question, Clarke, whose name kept echoing in Lexa’s head was murmuring lowly. An anecdote about Police Academy that Lexa couldn’t focus on because of the raspy voice that housed the words._

_One night and she was hooked. She certainly hadn’t planned to abandon Nyko and Gustus on their night out to take up with a beautiful woman but Lexa couldn’t complain. Instead she let herself be gently pulled along and marveled at the way she was feeling giddy and so alive and more than a little drunk. On the copious amounts of alcohol that she and Clarke had consumed but mostly on Clarke herself._

_They walked slowly and leisurely and without a care and it seemed to soon when Clarke slowed them down as they arrived at an apartment building. “Walk me to my door?” Clarke asked, husky and low._

_And Lexa had to hold her breath before she mustered up a response. She barely realized that she had voiced an affirmative before Clarke gently pulled her into the building. Clarke sent a smile Lexa’s way as she pushed the button on the elevator and as they rode up, their arms unlinked and their hands joined together._

_“Hi.” Clarke said as the floors went by slowly._

_“Hi.” Lexa responded with a grin._

_Lexa counted thirty three steps from the elevator before Clarke came to a halt in front of the door and turned to her. “This is me.”_

_“Nice door.” Lexa observed._

_Clarke shook her head before succumbing to laughter and tugging Lexa closer. Lexa felt her sleeve pulled up and watched as a pen hovered hesitantly over her skin. “Can I?”_

_“Yeah.” Lexa sighed immediately and felt the pen press down as she watched the numbers take shape. Lexa felt like she couldn’t breathe, staring at the numbers while Clarke out the pen away._

_And then she felt it. So soft and overwhelming at the same time. Clarke pulled away so softly that Lexa almost felt like she had imagined a kiss. “I had fun.”_

_“I did too.” Lexa managed. And she was rewarded when Clarke leaned up and placed an even softer kiss on her lips. Lexa couldn’t help her wide smile and even though she had her eyes closed, she knew there was a matching one on Clarke._

_Caught in the moment, she whispered, “Goodnight Clarke.”_

_“Goodnight Lexa.” Came the soft response._

_And all Lexa could think was that it felt like a beginning._

 

 

Twenty five minutes. That’s how long Lexa estimated it would take Clarke to get back to her apartment. Fifteen minutes in the cab ride and then ten to get up to her apartment and settled. It took Lexa three minutes to get undressed and flop onto her mattress. She checked her phone religiously every minute while her mind reeled. She was nervous. She checked her phone again. It had been twelve minutes. 

She didn’t know what to expect from Clarke’s text. Clarke had said that it was a good thing but she had also said that she was afraid. She checked again. It had been nineteen minutes. And Lexa couldn’t help it. Because all she hoped, dared to hope was that Clarke wanted..

Her phone buzzed on the twenty fourth minute and Lexa nearly fell off her mattress in shock. She fumbled hurriedly to open it while her heart pounded.

**Clarke: I think I want to try. Us.**

**Clarke: I know I want to try.**

**Clarke: I’m ready.**


	9. Stay for a while.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke smiled softly, “Yeah.” She chuckled, “Okay. So tell me about yourself.”
> 
> “Seriously?”
> 
> “Yes.” Clarke laughed out.
> 
> “Well..” Lexa returned with a cheeky smile, “I’m Lexa and I’m an alcoholic.”
> 
> Clarke raised an eyebrow.
> 
> “Bad joke?” Lexa asked.
> 
> Clarke shook her head ruefully, “Not at all. Funny really. Well timed and unexpected. Ten out of ten.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy. Do you believe I'm back with this? I barely do. Just the epilogue to go now. It's been a heck of a ride. Thanks for following, kudosing and commenting.

Clarke had done many scary things during her time in the force.

From her days as a rookie, chasing suspects she encountered on the beat, to her more recent endeavors as a detective trying to get justice for juveniles while facing down perpetrators who she could really only classify as evil. But Clarke powered through. Lived by the mantra of fake it till you make it with bullet proof vests and a very fearless partner as backup.

The thought of trying again with Lexa was scary.

Texting Lexa was scary.

Waiting for the response was scary.

But ultimately, never trying was scarier.

When all she’d been plagued with recently was memories of her and Lexa, the realization that she wouldn’t get the chance to make new ones if she didn’t try was terrifying. And admittedly she could have done it in a more condensed way. Four texts in a row was probably a bit much but she wanted to be clear that there was no hesitation about her choice. She wanted to clear that she wanted her. The good, the bad, the everything. She just wanted Lexa. She just hoped that Lexa still wanted her back.

**Lexa: Okay.**

**Lexa: Alright.**

**Lexa: Me too. Definitely me too.**

**Lexa: Let’s try.**

And Clarke just laughed at the series of texts, with relief, with joy, and with excitement, because that’s all she could manage.

 

_With every text that made her phone chime, Clarke grew more excited and more frustrated._

_Because all of her texts right now were coming from Octavia. And she couldn’t help but wish they were coming from the brunette that she’d met last night. Because even accounting for the not so enjoyable hangover that Clarke was experiencing, she’d had a wonderful night._

_Another text chimed in._

_**Blake: I’m so ready to be in the field!!!** _

_Now that they were officially academy graduates, they were headed to the Field Training Officer Program that was due to start the following Monday and then in a few months they would be hitting the streets as patrol officers. And it’s not that Clarke wasn’t excited as well, it was that she wasn’t entirely sure yet. She’d gotten herself together with the help of Octavia and managed to get through the academy and now she was about to be in the thick of it._

_Joining the academy hadn’t been a planned out decision but while she was in it, it postponed thinking about what she really wanted. And now that Monday was looming, she had no choice but to throw herself head first into this career. And it was a terrifying prospect but she couldn’t think of any alternatives._

_She envied Octavia’s sureness. Envied her excitement. Envied the fact that for Octavia, this was finally. A set path that she finally got to get started on. And Clarke couldn’t deny Octavia her excitement. So she responded to every text with her own enthusiasm because even though her feelings were mostly muddled, she was excited for Octavia. And she was excited for herself as well because at least she was doing something._

_When the barrage of texts somewhat died down, she redirected her thoughts to the night before. To the brunette that she’d left outside on her doorstep with a number on her arm. Her stomach fluttered as she thought of the sweet smile on Lexa’s face and the even sweeter kiss they’d shared._

_It had been a long time since she had felt this way. And even then it wasn’t as intense. Some crush she’d had on some boy in high school. But this felt like so much more and she was kicking herself._

_Had she been too eager?_

_Too cliché with the writing on her arm?_

_Too obnoxious in the graduation excitement?_

_She couldn’t help but obsess over every moment. And she knew the dumb three day rule. She lived it and had never thought to question it. Getting texts from girls three days later, texting boys four days later. All of it was the norm for her but now it felt like every hour was agonizing._

_Would Lexa even text her at all?_

_**Unknown Number: Hi. This is Lexa. We met last night at Grounders and I walked you home. I had a lot of fun and was just wondering if you’d be interested in hanging out again.** _

_**Unknown Number: With me. Just in case I wasn’t clear.** _

_**Unknown Number: Feel free to ignore the second text.** _

_**Unknown Number: Please don’t ignore the first one though?** _

_**Unknown Number: Actually, feel free to ignore this entire interaction. It’s entirely embarrassing.** _

_And Clarke couldn’t help but laugh. Pure exhilaration shot through her veins and a wide smile took over her face as she rocked excitedly and reread the texts._

_**Clarke: Yes.** _

_**Clarke: Yes to hanging out.** _

_She flopped back onto her bed, sending the book she’d unsuccessfully been reading to the floor and grinned dopily at the ceiling. Unable to help herself, she sent off another text._

_**Clarke: With you. Just in case I wasn’t clear.** _

 

Lexa watched, amused, as Clarke sipped her orange juice slowly, across from her at the table on the restaurant patio.

“Enjoying that?” She asked.

Clarke merely nodded and continued to sip her drink.

At this point the drink was halfway down and Clarke showed no signs of stopping.

“Thirsty?” Lex tried again.

Clarke shook her head and Lexa couldn’t help but laugh.

She was nervous as well and if it hadn’t been evident from her body language it surely had been when she stumbled while getting to her feet as Clarke walked into the restaurant or when she saluted to her as she walked up or when she nearly missed her attempt to hug her, or when she stuttered profusely in her request to the server or when she was unable to say a word as they waited for the server to return. But Clarke’s orange juice and Lexa’s hot chocolate had arrived Lexa had somehow managed to order food and now Clarke who had seemed cool and unaffected to Lexa was hiding in her Orange juice.

It seemed like minutes before Clarke finally put down her glass with a thump and sucked in a huge breath.

“I’m nervous too.” Lexa confided in her.

“Okay. Okay. Good.” Clarke rushed out, “Me too.” She added.

Lexa chuckled, “Good to know.”

Clarke sighed and shook her head, “I don’t know why I’m so nervous, it’s not like we haven’t been doing this the past few weeks. I mean really.”

Lexa flushed at the admission. “I guess..” She spoke up, “I guess there’s intention with it now. We’re trying.”

Clarke smiled softly, “Yeah.” She chuckled, “Okay. So tell me about yourself.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.” Clarke laughed out.

“Well..” Lexa returned with a cheeky smile, “I’m Lexa and I’m an alcoholic.”

Clarke raised an eyebrow.

“Bad joke?” Lexa asked.

Clarke shook her head ruefully, “Not at all. Funny really. Well timed and unexpected. Ten out of ten.”

“I thought so.”

“Okay then, my turn. My name is Clarke and I’m an anxious wreck. Have been for a while, really.”

“Clarke’s an interesting name.” Lexa responded, solemn.

“So I’ve been told.”

“That was fast!” Exclaimed their server, as she suddenly appeared and refilled Clarke’s glass.

“I like my Vitamin C.” Clarke responded cheerily.

“So let’s get to the real questions.” Lexa said seriously after the server walked off.

“Shoot.”

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

Clarke huffed out a laugh before meeting Lexa’s eyes steadily, “No, because I landed in your arms.”

 

_Lexa was amazed at how well the date was going. She’d gone with the cliché, invited her to the carnival that was currently in town and it had been..an experience._

_Clarke was competitive. And so was Lexa. The evidence lay in the bags they held in their hands that were filled to the brim with stuffed animals they had won each other._

_The evidence as to how much they were enjoying themselves lay in the fact that their hands not otherwise occupied with the bags were instead clasped together and swinging between them._

_“Wanna sit?” Lexa asked as she gestured with their joined hands at the railing on the edge of the pier._

_“Let’s.” Clarke said simply and followed as Lexa led._

_They placed their bags beside them and sat together dangling their legs over the water through the space under the bottom rail._

_The sun was setting beautifully capping a perfect end to a perfect date and Lexa was giddy with how good it all felt._

_“Clarke’s an interesting name.” Lexa said, breaking into the quiet breeze._

_Clarke smiled, “Yeah, my Dad was a big Superman fan.”_

_“Is he not anymore?” Lexa asked as she looked out on the water._

_“_ _He’s dead.”_

_Lexa cringed at her own thoughtlessness._

_“It’s alright.” Clarke reassured as she lay a hand on Lexa’s lap. “You didn’t know. And besides, it’s all in the past. I did my grieving.”_

_Lexa squeezed her hand gently._

_“_ _I used to drag race." Clarke suddenly said._

_Lexa raised an eyebrow._

_“_ _Really! I’ll show you.” Clarke laughed out before pulling her phone out with her other hand._

_“_ _It’s not that I disbelieve you..”_

_“I’ll show you..where is it? I know I just saw it a couple of days ago. Oh yeah. Here!” She handed her phone over._

_Lexa nearly shuddered as she felt Clarke’s chin on her shoulder and her arms wrapping around her. She tried desperately to control her heartbeat every time she swiped to the next picture and Clarke hummed before explaining who everyone was or telling an anecdote._

_The Clarke in the pictures was young, beautiful and quite frankly crazy once Lexa saw a video of her crossing the finish line and jumping out in celebration of her win before all the cars had even crossed the finish line. But the Clarke on her shoulder was older, grounded, thoughtful, funny and even more beautiful and Lexa wasn’t entirely sure how she managed to score a date with her._

_When the phone was put away and Clarke sent her a ‘told you so’ grin, Lexa stood up and held her hand out._

_There were still plenty of hours to go and Lexa was determined to make sure this date was the first of many._

 

Clarke smiled as Lexa joined her on the couch and handed her a steaming cup of hot chocolate. “You don’t have to go to all this trouble you know?” she reminded Lexa.

Lexa frowned before readjusting the blanket that covered Clarke. “What trouble?” she asked.

Clarke chuckled. She was comfortable, smothered in blankets with a hot chocolate in her hand and freshly cooked chicken soup in the kitchen, all because she’d mentioned in passing that she was feeling under the weather.

“I’m fine, really. I don’t even feel bad anymore. I was more run down from the case.”

Lexa tutted gently as she pulled Clarke’s legs into her lap and rubbed gently on her calves, “How’s it going?”

“It’s all right. Just can’t wait for the charges to be leveled and it all to be done with. Cage’s parents are rich and they’re helping him even though he’s emancipated and Keenan’s mother is rich too so they have expensive smarmy lawyers.”

“Such a weird situation.” Lexa observed quietly.

“Actually it isn’t. I mean it is but it’s not so uncommon. The system has had a couple of abusive friendships come through.” Clarke sighs, “Juries aren’t always sympathetic.”

“Is Keenan more remorseful?”

“No. She’s still overly concerned about what her actual friends think. She wouldn’t admit even knowing Mel for the longest time. Everyone was surprised at how extensive their..” Clarke trailed off lightly thinking through her words before making air quotes, ‘friendship’ was.”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.” Lexa said.

“Yeah me too. When she confessed to knowing where Mel was and it all unraveled it was..I mean they met and became friends at summer school and then just fell into this power dynamic.”

“You said Keenan hit her right?”

“Sometimes, when she…'misbehaved'.. and of course Cage, psychopath that he is, got in on it but Mel had enough at some point and then..”

“Carl Emerson.”

“Yeah, Cage’s buddy. Keenan and Cage got him to grab her and the plan was to punish her by scaring her but we grabbed Keenan and Cage when we were tipped off by San Jac PD and all of a sudden she was stuck with Emerson and it was way beyond what any of them had planned for.” Clarke sighed again, “He’s an adult though, so the felony kidnapping should stick but Keenan and Cage..”

“It’ll be harder.”

“Yeah, their defense is playing it by saying that Mel could have gotten out of the friendship whenever she wanted.”

“She was being abused!” Lexa protested indignantly.

“I know. But you know how people are with blaming victims.”

“You think it’ll fly?”

“I honestly don’t know. We’ll find out next week. But for now there’s nothing I can do. I don’t wanna talk about work, I wanna talk about you or anything else.”

“Sorry.” Lexa said sheepishly.

“No. I just talk about it all day with everyone and I feel like I don’t see you nearly enough and what can I say..I’m selfish.”

Lexa laughed. “Clarke, we see each other almost every day!”

Clarke found herself not able to help it as she joined in the laughter, “Almost every day, so there’s days I don’t.”

“You’re spoiled.” Lexa teased with a gentle squeeze to her thigh.

Clarke squirmed exaggeratedly, “Well whose fault is that!” she shot back.

“Hmm well maybe I should reconsider given your current attitude.” Lexa almost whispered as she leaned closer.

“No. You definitely shouldn’t” Clarke whispered as she leaned up and travelled the remaining inches that separated them and pulled her into a kiss.

“Hi.” Lexa greeted lowly.

“Hi. Kiss me again.” Clarke returned.

With a lazy, eager nod, Lexa complied and leaned in further and kissed her.

“Again.” 

Lexa did, stretching the sweet gentle kiss into a long languid one.

“Again.” Clarke whispered, “And maybe this time..don’t stop.”

Lexa silently raised a brow as her eyes travelled up from Clarke’s lips to her eyes.

Clarke met her eyes for a charged moment before gently nodding.

Lexa leaned in again and kissed her mouth gently before she travelled gently down to her collarbone. Clarke shifted, pulling her legs from Lexa’s lap and grasping at Lexa’s shirt to guide her on top of her as she settled back onto the couch.

“Clarke..” Lexa whispered, as she followed and hovered above Clarke, elbows on either side of Clarke’s head.

“What’s wrong baby?” Clarke murmured as she reached a hand up to cup Lexa’s cheek.

Lexa pressed her forehead against Clarke’s and shook her head exasperatedly, “I just..it’s been..a while, you know?”

Clarke brushed her thumb gently along Lexa’s closed eyes and hummed, “I know. I know. Me too. Me too.”

Lexa nodded and took a deep breath.

“I’m ready, are you?” Clarke asked, “If you’re not, that’s completely fine and we..”

“I’m ready. Just scared..”

“I know. I know.”

Lexa’s body sunk into Clarke’s gently and Clarke let her arms come around her shoulders in a hug.

“Come on.” Clarke eventually nudged.

Lexa sat up and followed as Clarke led the way to the bedroom.

Clarke’s heart was pounding relentlessly but she also felt somewhat calm.

There was an inevitability about it all and it was somehow reassuring.

She made her way slowly towards Lexa once the door was closed behind them. Her shirt came off first, matched by Lexa’s. Then her trousers. Then Lexa’s. Bras. Underwear. And they joined each other slowly under the covers.

Clarke was dizzy at just how much she’s missed Lexa’s scent in her bed as her hands perused familiar and new skin.

It wasn’t until Lexa first kissed her under the covers, that Clarke realized she was shaking.

“Hey, hey.” Lexa reassured gently.

“I’m okay. I just..I just missed you.” Clarke confessed, tears threatening.

“I missed you too. So much.”

Lexa kissed the quiver of her lip and kissed the flutter of her stomach and on and on lower as Clarke rose higher and clung to her back and her hair.

And when Clarke fell, she turned Lexa and enveloped her as her fingers guided her and guided her and upon Lexa’s summit they quivered and quaked and they simply held on to each other.

 

_Going dancing with Lexa was a bad idea._

_Or a good idea._

_Clarke wasn’t sure at this point._

_But it was their fourth date and she had Lexa pinned to her door and they were pushing and pulling at each other and it was definitely definitely a good idea._

_“Bed.” Lexa gasped._

_“Too far.” Clarke groaned as she maneuvered Lexa into her living room._

_She pushed Lexa roughly onto the couch and straddled her when she landed and dipped right back into kissing her. She groaned as Lexa’s hands made their way into her hair and tugged her closer, increasing the frequency and fervour of her kisses._

_Swinging her right leg over she pinned Lexa further into the cushions and reveled in the breathy moan Lexa let out as her thigh met her centre. She felt hands grab at the back of her hips and just like that they were rocking together, entirely too desperate to take each other’s clothes off._

_They rocked frantically, exchanging kisses and curses and clutching at each other until Clarke tensed up, surprised by how quick the crest came and shuddered and collapsed on top of Lexa._

_“Wow. Fuck.” Clarke breathed out._

_“Yeah.” She heard the rumble of Lexa beneath her._

_But Lexa was still tense and her hands were still gripping tightly onto Clarke and with a smile and a cheeky dip into her pants, Clarke sought out to rectify it._

_Rectify it she did as within a minute, Lexa tensed and released and tensed and released with a beautiful moan intertwining its way into her muscles oscillations._

_“Bed?” Lexa finally asked as they lay in the quiet aftermath._

_“Definitely.” Clarke responded with a grin._

 

“Nervous baby?” Clarke asked Lexa as she linked her arms around the neck.

Lexa wanted to stand there forever, afraid of what was to come behind the door at the end of the hallway.

It was the first time Lexa was going to be around Clarke’s friends in a while. It felt like a new and necessary beginning but Lexa was still anxious.

“A little.” Lexa confessed.

She watched as Clarke nodded and sighed before kissing her gently. “I know. Me too.” She said.

“Yeah?” Lexa asked.

“Yeah. I mean..it’s a big step but..it’s you, you know. This is supposed to be how it goes.”

“Supposed to be huh?” Lexa teased.

“Yup.” Clarke said simply, “You and me babe. It was an inevitability.”

“Mmm.” Lexa murmured, calming as she kissed Clarke’s forehead.

“Does it help if I say I love you?” Clarke whispered.

Lexa’s heart skipped and she nearly gasped out loud.

Deep down she knew it.

In the way Clarke was around her.

In the way that she was in love with Clarke.

In the way that really, even with everything, they’d never stopped loving each other.

But hearing the words was a confirmation she didn’t know she needed.

She relaxed instantly in the knowledge that this was Clarke and they’d been through so much and this was easy as pie. “It does. So much.” She admitted. “I love you.”

“Good.” Clarke responded with a deep kiss.

“You guys just gonna hang out in the hallway all day?” Bellamy called out standing just inside the door to his apartment.

“Yes.” Clarke answered.

All the way at the end of the hallway Lexa could see his eyes roll and she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Get in here.” He called before he disappeared inside and left the door open for them.

Clarke sent a wink her way and feeling confidence and joy thrumming through her, Lexa intertwined their hands and they walked together to the apartment.

It was pure chaos inside once everybody arrived but it was..normal.

No one batted an eye to the closeness that Lexa and Clarke enjoyed and the way Octavia and Raven were back to their constant friendly bickering.

Lexa’s heart was full and overflowing with how good and right it all felt.

Much to her delight, as the energy slowed a little, the whole group gathered around the TV to watch the challenge Jasper gave to Lexa play out.

“Ready to lose, Lexa?” Jasper taunted.

“Dude, I wouldn’t aggravate her before we even start.” Monty whispered loudly across the room at her.

“Doesn’t she always win?” Finn asked confused from where he sat on the loveseat with Raven tucked into him.

Octavia sighed heavily and took another swig of her beer, “Yes, she always does.”

Lexa grinned. She leaned back against Clarke’s chest where they sat in the floor against the couch and proceeded to select her character.

It didn’t take long for her to win.

She played a perfect game, not getting killed once and when the timer came down to zero, she dropped her controller, raised her hands and a hand promptly clamped over her mouth.

“Oh thank God! She was gonna go on and on!” Jasper called out in relief.

“Thanks for saving us, Clarke.” Monty added as the laughter swelled all around them from the rest of the group.

Lexa could feel Clarke’s smile on the back of her neck.

And then she whispered, “Let me.”

Lexa felt her hand fall away and felt herself get pulled closer and then the rumble of her voice, “Boys..”

“Clarke, no!”

“Don’t do this to us!”

“You’re fight is over!” She finished triumphantly as Jasper threw himself off the couch dramatically and Monty hung his head disappointedly and the group heckled and called and laughed.

 

_Lexa felt the calm of the dizziness wash over._

_She functioned best like this._

_Slightly unbalanced with her head swimming pleasantly with possibilities._

_“There you are.” Clarke said warmly as she came up to Lexa, “Oh. What have we here?” She came up behind Lexa and jiggled her wrist gently._

_The liquid in the flask sloshed around lightly._

_“Not enough to drink out there?” She asked._

_Lexa could hear the sounds of Clarke’s friends in the other room. She turned in Clarke’s arms and kissed her gently, “Wasn’t enough of you in here. But now..”_ _She insinuated and she trailed kisses down her jaw._

_Clarke shivered and Lexa delighted in the feeling of it against her._

_“Let me.” Clarke whispered before she eased the flask from Lexa’s hand._

_She took a large swig before she placed it on the counter and took Lexa’s hands and placed them on her waist. “That’s better.” She whispered before she leaned in and kissed Lexa._

_It got heated quickly but neither girl cared._

_Lexa was just about ready to turn Clarke around and hoist her onto the counter when they heard Octavia call out, “I swear to God, of you both don’t stop making out in Bellamy’s kitchen and get back in here like civilized people, I’m going to shoot you both.”_

_They pulled away from each other with matching grins and Lexa quickly pocketed the flask as they went back into the living room hand in hand._

_“Hey Lexa.” Jasper asked as they settled on the floor next to each other, “Have you ever played Halo?”_

_Lexa shook her head, “No. But I’ll give it a try.”_

 

“Blondie.”

“Your hair is literally also Blonde.”

“Semantics.” Anya dismissed as she turned around presumably expecting Clarke to follow.

Clarke followed slowly peering around every corner for Lexa.

“She’s not here.” Anya’s bored voice called from the kitchen.

Clarke frowned, “What? She said..” She trailed off as she pulled her phone out to a text from Lexa saying she would be late. “Oh..she’s running late.”

She sighed and put her phone back in her pocket, fidgeting awkwardly in the center of the dining room.

She could feel Anya’s eyes on her as she stirred what Clarke assumed was chili based on the smell. “You can go back and sit in your car to wait for her like you would have if you saw that text in time.”

Clarke startled. She hadn’t been avoiding Anya per se, it’s just that every time they spent time at Lexa’s there wasn’t much time for one on one interaction. “I don’t want to do that.”

“You don’t?” Anya questioned skeptically.

“No. I don’t.” Clarke sighed out as she pushed herself to approach the kitchen. She sat down slowly in one of the stools in front of the kitchen bar and peered at the food faux nonchalantly.

“Smells good, huh?”

“So good.” Clarke gushed immediately.

Anya let out a laugh at the blonde’s eager tone. “Lexa’s likes to pretend she’s the only one who can cook. Pshh, she’s not even close to as good as me.”

“I’ve never had the pleasure.” Clarke said with a gesture to the chili.

“I don’t know how. You were at her apartment all the time before she moved in with you and I cooked for her and the boys all the time.”

Clarke’s heart skipped at the reminder. “Don’t know how I missed it.”

Anya responded with a hum and busied herself with adding ingredients to the pot.

“How are you?” Clarke asked after a long silence.

Anya shook her head, “We don’t have to this you know.”

“I want to.” Clarke insisted.

Anya remained quiet.

“How’s Graham?”

Anya sighed heavily. “He’s the best damn thing that happened to me since I got back.” She stopped her work and settled her eyes on Clarke, “Thank you.”

Clarke shook her head, “Not a problem. He’s like an Uncle to me and he and my dad had each other’s back on their tours and they had each other’s back when they were readjusting to civilian life. I don’t think I realized how much my dad struggled when I was younger..he was always so cheerful you know.”

“Like Graham.”

“Like Graham.”

Anya was silent and still for a long time and Clarke simply waited wary and knowing that something was coming. “Listen Clarke..I like you and God knows I’m grateful to you. But I love my sister.”

“Got it.”

“Do you?”

“I do.”

“I hated how that shit went down. Lexa took the fall for everything. She lost her friends over it.”

Clarke frowned. “I didn’t mean..”

“I don’t care what you meant. You guys were a unit and you didn’t split fairly. I don’t blame you for how it ended. You both were shitty. I blame you for how you handled it after.”

Clarke nodded and breathed in deeply, “Yeah. I blame myself too.”

“Listen Clarke, my point here is not to attack you.”

“I didn’t..”

“Lexa’s an alcoholic. I should have seen it earlier. We all should have...but regardless. It is what it is. She always will be. But she’s better.”

“I know.”

“I want her to stay that way. I can’t watch her spiral the way she did again.”

Clarke’s chest tightened and she nodded.

“I know there’s only so much you can do. But. There’s also so much you can do. So. If you’re not good for her, leave. Got it?”

“Got it.” Clarke agreed quietly.

“I’m rooting for you.” Anya admitted finally.

“Does that mean I get an extra large bowl of chili?” Clarke asked innocently, mind still reeling from the conversation.

To her relief, Anya laughed, loud and long. And Clarke joined in right along with her.

“Sounds like a party in here.” Clarke heard behind her as she felt warm arms slip around her and a kiss pressed to her cheek.

“Lex!” Clarke greeted.

“Hi babe. Sorry I’m late.”

“Don’t know why you’re sorry, kid. We were having a blast without you.”

Lexa gave Clarke a faux betrayed look.

“Sorry Lex.” Clarke apologized coyly.

Lexa leaned in close to Clarke, “Somehow I don’t buy your apology.” She whispered before she kissed her.

A dish towel to their heads broke the kiss and Lexa turned to her sister indignantly.

“Lunch is served and I’d rather keep it down if that’s alright with you.” Anya shot at the pair.

Lexa simply rolled her eyes and settled in next to Clarke digging eagerly in to the chili Anya served them but not without a comment about the chili being second only to hers to which Anya merely sent Clarke a long suffering look.

 

_Anya woke up with a start._

_She’d dozed off on the couch on a lazy Sunday and Clarke had done the same on the loveseat. Lexa had left with a hurried apology to go address a kitchen emergency at the restaurant she was working at leaving Clarke and Anya to finish the documentary she’d picked out and neither of them were successful._

_Clarke woke up to whining and was confused about her surroundings for a few seconds before she’d realized she was at Lexa’s apartment. The confusion was understandable, they’d only been dating for a couple of months and Lexa had done her best to limit her time with the ‘mongrels’ as Lexa described her roommates and sister._

_But Clarke liked Gustus and Nyko. She even liked Anya who lived on the other end of town but was over more often than not._

_Anya who Clarke realized suddenly was the reason she woke up._

_She was covered in sweat, eyes tightly shut, with a furrowed brow and whining as she thrashed against something only she could see._

_Just as Clarke was about to try and shake her awake, she roused herself and sat up abruptly with her head in her hands._

_For long minutes, the only sound in the room was her heavy breathing. And Clarke could only sit and wait._

_“Don’t tell Lexa.” She finally spoke, voice hoarse._

_“What?”_

_Anya’s head snapped up and her hard gaze fixed on Clarke, “You heard me.”_

_“I..okay.”_

_“It’s not always..I don’t always.” She sighed, “I’m fine most of the time.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“She worries, alright so just..”_

_“I won’t say anything.” Anya stood up finally and headed down the hallway to the bathroom._

_“I have a friend.” Clarke called without thinking._

_Anya paused, shoulders high, “Yeah so do I..lots of them..”_

_Clarke rubbed her temple and swallowed, “My uh dad. He served.” “Yeah?” “Marine Corps. He was medically discharged.”_

_Anya turned fully to face her._

_“_ _He recovered pretty well physically. Great actually. Much better than doctors expected.”_

_“But..”_

_“Yeah..he had a rough time adjusting.”_

_“Why are you telling me this?”_

_“I just..the friend I’m talking about, Graham, was my dad’s buddy. Doctor before enlisted. Real smart guy. Kinda fell into this role of helping people like my dad.”_

_Anya simply stared._

_“There are some good resources out there but sometimes it’s not enough. A guy like Graham lived it you know? And sometimes that helps. It helped my dad anyway.”_

_Anya scratched her head before mussing up her hair with a loud sigh. “So..”_

_Clarke raised her hands to placate her, “Just, if you ever want a phone number..”_

_“Maybe.” Anya responded tone flat._

_“Fair enough.” Clarke agreed._

_“Just..”_

_“Don’t tell Lexa. Got it.”_

_With a sharp nod, Anya disappeared down the hallway and Clarke was left slightly unbalanced at the turn of events._

 

“It’s been a year and a half since I last had a drink.”

“And some change.” Silvia chimed in eagerly. “Don’t sell yourself short Mija.”

Chuckles ran through the room.

“I would never.” Lexa said firmly as she met Silvia’s eyes.

“It’s been..well it’s been a whirlwind frankly. Some of you have met Clarke...she’s..we’ve been dating again for a couple of months now.

“Seven months.” Silvia piped up again to louder laughter.

“Thank you, Silvia.” Lexa acknowledged. “Anyway, it feels like the first time but better. It’s like I get to relive it all but I’m there for it. All of me you know. There’s so much stuff that muddled from the first time but this time it’s..clear it makes sense. I’m here for it. And she is too. She’s been pretty consistent with counseling and so she’s more present. Less anxious. Just actually living it with me. I don’t know if that makes sense. But it just..It feels really good.”

“Hear hear.” Silvia called out.

“Hear hear.” The room echoed.

Lexa blushed at the rousing support. She cleared her throat and sent a cheeky look at Silvia, “Anyway my stuff is boring, I wanna hear about the show that you performed in last week Silvia.”

The room burst into eager pleas for the story and Silvia rolled her eyes good naturedly. “First of all, it was a poetry slam, and second of all, those yuppie kids were not prepared for this old lady to show them just how it’s done.”

 

_I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”_

_“_ _You can say anything.” The group leader said gently._

_“You all have been really welcoming the last couple of weeks. I uhh..well..I got trashed last night. Snuck out of the house and just..and when I got back my sister was worried sick about me. Just..She yelled and yelled and yelled and I guess I realized that I didn’t want to be a burden for her. She’s such a good big sister. And Raven my friend who brought me here. And..I just..there’s a lot of people who want me to be better. Whether they’re in my life now or..not and..well I want myself to be better. I do. I just do. That’s all. That's all”_

 

“You look frazzled.” Abby observed as Clarke careened into the seat across from her at the little dive Mexican place they’d discovered a month ago.

Clarke grabbed for the water her mom ordered for her and gulped it down eagerly. “Yeah.” She finally managed before she looked around. “Lexa not here yet?”

“No. She sent a message saying she was running late.”

Clarke frowned and pulled out her phone, “She didn’t send one to me.”

Abby chuckled lightly, “Maybe she likes me better.” Clarke gaped, “Or maybe she figured she would beat you here.”

Clarke hummed before she grabbed a chip and dipped it into the salsa.

“Wedding stuff?” Abby asked.

“Yeah, Raven’s got us running around like maniacs.”

“I thought Octavia was the maid of honour now.”

Clarke laughed, “Yeah but she would die if she tried to handle most of this herself, Raven and her have been dreaming of this forever and it’s..extensive.”

“How far away now exactly. I got the ‘Save the date’ but...”

“Three months give or take. Or is it two.”

“Clarke!”

“What! It’s not like I’m the maid of honour or anything!”

“You are a bridesmaid.” Abby chastised.

“Yeah, and remind me never to agree to that again. It’s a nightmare.”

“Wow. Three months huh. Good for her.”

“Yeah.”

“You think maybe she’ll stop inappropriately flirting with me.”

Clarke laughed a full laugh, “Oh mom. Never. She’s always gonna be gross.”

“Who’s always gonna be gross?” Lexa asked as she plopped onto the chair next to Clarke and kissed her on the cheek.

Clarke smiled sweetly at her before she processed the question, “Raven.”

“Oh..yeah.” Lexa agreed slapping Clarke’s hand away lightly to get to the chips.

“Hello Lexa.”

“Oh gosh. Sorry. Hello.”

“I know few things exist to you when my daughter is around..”Abby teased.

Lexa groaned, “I’m sorry I didn’t greet you properly.”

“I didn’t either.” Clarke chimed in to defend Lexa.

“Oh Clarke, I gave up on you a long time ago.”

Lexa laughed around a chip to the faux ire of Clarke.

“So are you two planning on getting married anytime soon?” Abby asked.

Clarke choked on her chip.

“Baby steps.” Lexa managed.

“Are you?” Clarke countered when she got her breath back.

“Yes actually.”

Clarke’s eyes widened.

“We talked about taking our time because we were busy but why? We'll always be busy..so..we’re thinking in about six months.”

“Wow.” Clarke let out stunned. Her thoughts turned to her father but she shook them away and focused on the joy that radiated from her mother's face.

“Yes. Wow is correct.”

“That’s fucking..”

“Clarke.”

“That’s freaking amazing mom.”

Lexa watched the two women silently.

“Really?”

“Really mom.”

Abby sighed out in relief, “That’s good because I was hoping you’d be my maid of honour.”

Lexa laughed as Clarke’s face went from happy to panic stricken, “Huh. What an honour to be asked you see...but remember five minutes ago when I said that I never wanted to go through with this again?”

“Your own mother.” Lexa said shaking her head with barely concealed mirth.

“I birthed you, you know.” Abby chimed in.

“Mom..”

“Popped right out of her.” Lexa added in.

“I did not pop, Lexa.”

Clarke protested as she nudged Lexa playfully.

“Oh you popped.” Abby, “Painfully might I add.”

“Fine. Fine. I’ll be your maid of honour.”

“Oh Clarke how wonderful.”

“Really truly.” Lexa agreed.

“I hate you both.”

“Okay so here’s what I was thinking for the wedding..” Abby began completely ignoring the ensuing groan from Clarke and muffled laughter from Lexa.

 

“ _Clarke.” Abby greeted stiffly as Clarke walked up._

_She could have sworn she was early but her mom always eerily arrived everywhere ridiculously early. “Mom.”_

_“It’s been a while.”_

_“Well.”_

_“I had to call you everyday for a week before you finally agreed to meet me.”_

_“Yeah well. Can we sit?”_

_“Can I help you?” Abby directed at a nervous Lexa hovering behind Clarke._

_“Mom, Lexa. Lexa, Mom.”_

_“Hello.” Lexa greeted as she joined the two women at the table._

_“And who is Lexa?”_

_“My girlfriend, mom. We live together.”_

_“How long?”_

_“Can we order something to eat?”_

_“Clarke.”_

_Lexa cleared her throat, “Umm. About six months, ma’am.”_

_“Six months?”_

_“Mom you’re giving me a headache and you’re making Lexa nervous, please.” She ground out as she tightened her grip on Lexa’s hand._

_“It would have been nice to know that you were bringing someone..”_

_“Mom..”_

_“I’m gonna grab a drink at the bar, service seems to be slow.” Lexa spoke up as she stood up hastily._

_“Look what you did!”_

_“Well good riddance. You barely know her anyway.”_

_“Whatever mom, I love her and that’s all you or fucking Bellamy or Octavia need to know.”_

_“So they agree it’s quick.”_

_“Look mom I get it’s quick. I’m not an idiot. But she’s the one okay? So just drop it.”_

_Abby huffed, “It’s dropped.”_

_“_ _What’s good around here?” Clarke asked turning her attention to the menu._

_“It still would have been nice to have a lunch with you without you inviting a buffer.”_

_“Mom, she’s not a buffer, she’s my girlfriend and I’m sharing this important relationship with you. Isn’t that what you wanted? To know more about my life?”_

_“Fine.”_

_“Fine.”_

_“How’s work?”_

_“It’s fine.”_

_“Just fine?”_

_“No I mean. It’s good. Scary sometimes.”_

_“Clarke if you’re worried about your safety I can tell Thelonious...”_

_“Or you could drop it because it comes with the job.”_

_“I am proud of you, you know.”_

_“I know mom. You were at graduation and it meant a lot. Really.”_

_Abby reach out a hand and squeezed Clarke’s hand and Clarke sent a small smile back at her. The waiter came around and Clarke ordered food for Lexa and herself and they settled into conversation about the hospital._

_“Babe.” Lexa greeted with a kiss to the side of Clarke’s head as she returned balancing drinks in hand._

_She handed one to Clarke and hesitated briefly before giving one to Abby, “Mrs Griffin, didn’t know what you would like but the bartender tells me this is a very good..” “_

_Call me Abby. My husband is long dead.”_

_Lexa shifted uncomfortably as Clarke’s jaw dropped._

_“You were gone a long time. How much did you have to drink while you were up there?” Abby added._

_Lexa stiffened, surprised and on the defensive._

_“Mom.” Clarke all but yelled._

_“Thanks for the drink.” Abby conceded after a tense few moments._

_“I’m sorry.” Clarke leaned in to Lexa whispering in her ear trying to convey her apology for the whole dinner._

_Lexa smiled back brightly causing Clarke’s heart to thump. “It’s okay.” She responded simply._

_Clarke could smell the tequila on her breath no doubt to quell the nerves as well as the smell that was indescribably Lexa._

_For a moment they held each other’s eyes stuck in a world that was theirs alone before Abby cleared her throat and they breathed in simultaneously and turned to face her._

_“_ S _o what do you do, Lexa?”_

 

“I feel like Anya’s gonna walk in any second.” Clarke’s breathless voice whispered. "She should be back from her job any minute now right?"

Lexa groaned into her neck exasperatedly, “Please don’t say her name when my hand is in your..you know.”

The unmentioned body part fluttered around Lexa’s fingers and she moaned into Clarke’s neck in response and sped up her movements.

“I mean uhm..I ..mean it, she’s gonna walk in and..”

“Clarke, just..”

“I just..”

“Clarke let me..”

“Lexa it’s just..”

“We didn’t even take our clothes off yet...”

“I know but uhh..”

“Ugh.” Lexa groaned as she pulled out and tasted Clarke on her fingers before collapsing on the mattress beside her.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke said hoarsely.

“S’ok.”

“I just..you know..it’s not like you have a bedroom or you know..a bed.”

“There’s a door.” Lexa weakly protested. "I put it up myself when we started dating again."

“Lexa this is a living room.”

“Fine.”

“I’m sorry, I just..really really don’t want Anya to walk in.”

Lexa sighed, “That makes two of us. But she wasn’t gonna walk in.”

“You can’t know that.” Clarke challenged as she turned to her side and faced Lexa.

“I can and I do.”

“And how is that?”

“There’s a sock on the door.” Lexa stated calmly.

“You’re joking.” Clarke said, eyes wide.

Lexa simply shrugged and watched Clarke’s face turn to horror.

“Oh my God!”

“Where are you going?” Lexa asked as Clarke scrambled to her feet and rushed towards the door.

She swung it open and let it slam against the wall as her mouth fell open in shock. “Lexa!”

“What! It’s a universal sign..”

“A sock with marijuana leaves all over it?”

“Gag gift from Murphy, I never actually smoked, you know that..”

“Lexa the design on the sock is not the point. The point is that you are not a seventeen year old boy getting laid in his dorm room for the first time.” Clarke all but yelled incredulously as she threw her hands up.

“I..well..yeah..but at least now you can see that she wouldn’t have walked in.”

Clarke groaned before she pulled the sock off and discarded it by the door. She shut the door with a huff and took two steps to the mattress where she collapsed unceremoniously on it face down.

“So sex is off the table?” Lexa asked lazily.

Clarke groaned loudly into the mattress before she lifted herself onto her elbows and shook her head, “I can’t believe I’m dating a frat boy.”

“Am I the first?” Lexa teased as she inched closer to Clarke.

Clarke rolled her eyes fondly and placed a few gentle pecks onto Lexa’s expectant lips, “No, but you’re the cutest.”

“I’ll take it.” Lexa declared as she pulled Clarke down for a deeper kiss.

 

“ _What if Gustus or Nyko or Anya hear us?” Clarke worried from her position above Lexa._

_Lexa sighed languidly. “Well..” She started as she took a pull out of the bottle on the bedside table, “First of all, the music out there is really loud. And second of all..” She paused to tickle Clarke’s sides eliciting a peal of laughter, “Don’t you think that they would have heard us the first time..or maybe the second?”_

_“No need to brag.” Clarke stated in a dry tone._

_“What do you mean there’s no need?” She hovered her hand over Clarke’s chest before placing her hands on her boobs and gently squeezing them one at a time, “This..this right here is one and two needs.”_

_Clarke tilted her head unperturbed by Lexa’s antics, “You know, I have a one bedroom..no roommates.”_

_Lexa hummed, “Is that so?”_

_“Yes, you’ve been there. A lot and I’d wager you enjoyed the freedom a lack of a roommate afforded.” Clarke continued voice carrying a hint of cockiness.”_

_“Oh did I?”_

_“Yes you did. And I’m sure you’d enjoy it more..you know on a long term basis.”_

_“So what are you getting at?” Lexa asked half convinced she’d drawn conclusions that Clarke hadn’t wanted her to draw._

_Because it sounded a lot like Clarke wanted her to move in with her. And the thought made her head spin in a way that all the drinking before they snuck into her room and away from the party didn’t._

_“Maybe it’s crazy..I mean we’ve only been dating for four months and..”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Some people would say it’s not long..huh wait..what?”_

_“Yes. If you’re asking me to move in with you the answer is yes please.”_

_Clarke froze above Lexa and scanned her face as if she was looking for a lie. “Okay.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Oh my God..We’re moving in together.” She gasped out._

_“Yeah.” Lexa responded, giddy, “Yeah we are.”_

_Clarke kissed her hard and swift before she began making her way down Lexa’s body._

_“_ _Whoa there, what if Gustus or Nyk..or oh..what if..”_

_Clarke paused and Lexa sucked in a breath, “I really don’t care at this moment.” She said voice low. Lexa swallowed and nodded and Clarke promptly made her lose her breath again._

 

Clarke burrowed deeper into her pillow as she waited for Lexa to finish up in the bathroom.

She liked Lexa in her space. She always had and she couldn’t help but think that they were ready for the next step. She felt the sureness she did the first time but this time there was an underlying knowledge that they were stronger and that they would make it.

Well, that and the fact that she didn’t particularly enjoy sleeping on a mattress on the floor when she was at Lexa's.

But she’d had this apartment for years and it felt like just as much Lexa’s as it did hers and she couldn’t bear to leave it even after Lexa had moved out.

She felt the vibration that signaled a text and she grabbed her phone from the nightstand and looked at it.

“Lexa..” She trailed off as she realized that the woman in question was watching her from the door.

She was beautiful.

Clarke tried to shake her head clear as her heart took up an accelerated rhythm. “Did you just text me?”

“I did.” Lexa answered softly.

Clarke opened the text and smiled as she read it, feeling her cheeks heat up. “Come here and cuddle.” She demanded.

Lexa eagerly complied crawling up the bed and slipping under the covers.

She kissed Clarke, once, twice before she pulled her gently into her arms.

Clarke reached over to the nightstand and placed her phone on her nightstand before turning off the light and relaxing into Lexa’s arms for the night.

**Lexa: You’re beautiful.**

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me a comment and let me know what you think!


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